Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

IS PARENTING A JOB?

170 replies

nicola1969 · 25/11/2010 19:29

I am a full time mum.. although hope to be an artist later,,

i have two children aged 7 and 10

my Partner for 20 years(we are not married) works full time and pays for everything..

He is always telling me that i should work also.. i feel that i am working.. looking after the children is definately a job.. if i didnt do it he would have to pay for a nanny or au pair..

what do you think .. being a mum...is what i do a job.?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
dikkertjedap · 29/11/2010 12:10

I must say I am amazed at some of the remarks posted here! It seems a witch hunt against SAHM and unless your are in paid work you are lazy.

How dim can you be!!! Yes, in my job I managed large teams and no, not everybody pulls their weight. A lot top managers will tell you that the most challenging staff are women with young children. You never know if they turn up (child may be ill and they are unlikely to have somebody arranged to come in and look after their sick child). They as a result cannot be relied on to meet their deadlines, so you always have to have a back up plan to shift their work to another team member at short notice. I know that this is a generalisation and there may be exceptions (yes, exceptions, in the majority of cases this is how it is). There is no doubt that women with young children take more time off or 'work more often from home' or call in sick themselves, because their child is ill.

Furthermore, I have noticed as a parent helper at school what a problem can be caused to the school with both parents working: a kid is ill, vomitting its guts out, possibly fever and it takes the parents three (!!!) hours before they arrange for the kid to be collected (yes, I was called in by the school to sit and console this child, because its family was nowhere to be seen, you should be dammed grateful that there are people like me who take care of YOUR kid when it is in such a state). Then there are all the parents running late in the afternoon and arriving up to 30 minutes after lessons have finished resulting in the teacher being stuck with their kids.

I don't say that working and having a child cannot work, you may be able to make it work by muddling through, but it is not an ideal solution and I have not the slightest doubt that the children suffer as a result. Look at all the other threads with mothers not coping, feeling stressed, shouting at their children, not being ablt to get things properly organised in the morning, well, doesn't come as a surprise to me. It is not for nothing that our mothers used to stay home and look after children and the home. Nowadays we want to have it all, we are terribly materialistic, obsesses with money, obsessed with ourselves. Maybe children don't fit well with this attitude? Children don't ask to be born, we put them in this world, so to try to be less selfish and actually properly look after them would be a good start I would think.

You may have high opinions about yourselves, but you won't fool me - the fact that you go to an office has nothing to do with whether you work hard or not ...

GetOrfMoiLand · 29/11/2010 12:13

Oh dear dikker.

Evidently couldn't hack it in the real world then...

Onetoomanycornettos · 29/11/2010 12:23

I don't think you should work if you don't want to and your husband is happy to support you, but equally, making out that the time spent when the children at school is as demanding as running a top corporation is quite funny! Why not admit that it's nice to put your feet up and have a choccy biscuit when they have gone to school, that's what I do if I have a day off. I do one to two hours housework on those days and that seems quite enough. I don't think it's lazy to want to stay at home when your children are nearly teenagers, perhaps you like that pace of life, perhaps you have something else to do (care for parents or voluntary), but you would have to create work really to make it as ultra-busy as you suggest, dikker.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

kittywise · 29/11/2010 13:51

Dikker you are spot on bravo

Ormirian · 29/11/2010 14:30

"You may have high opinions about yourselves, but you won't fool me - the fact that you go to an office has nothing to do with whether you work hard or not ..."

Oh yes I do. I have a very high opinion of myself. I think I am pretty fucking amazing. I work, have built a career and have 3 DC all of whom are reasonably well-adjusted and happy. Going to an office (or hospital or school for that matter) doesn't mean I don't get to do the other things as well. I am not aware of trying to fool you. I couldn't reallty care less about your opinion although you seem to have some very strong ones on this subject.

Ephiny · 29/11/2010 15:19

I agree that 'work' does not equate to sitting in an office all day, in fact many of the most demanding and most socially useful jobs are not of that type. And I also completely agree that being in paid employment is not the only way someone can contribute to society and to their family, a payslip doesn't define a person's worth etc etc.

But that's not really relevant here, the point is that the OP doesn't appear to be contributing much at all, instead relying on her DP to take care of everything (she sounds like another child for her DP rather than an equal partner), and in the process leaving herself in a very precarious situation should the relationship fail.

If she was married and her husband was happy with the situation, then fine, but as neither of those things are the case, she's really storing up big problems for herself...

coatgate · 29/11/2010 15:34

I work two days a week, from home, so I am not actually a SAHM. I could go back to work full time, but I don't want to. I freely admit to spending my mornings reading the paper, meeting friends for coffee, walking the dog. When I was younger and fitter, I used to ride my horse every day that I did not work. Fortunately my DH is perfectly happy with situation. As am I. But as your DP is not happy, you need to start pulling your weight and brining some money in.

TooImmature2BMum · 29/11/2010 15:55

I want the OP's life. Partner who provides all, presumably funded me to do Fine Arts degree, employs cleaner, builds studio complete with kiln, enabled me to spend all day with kids every day since they were born...of course, it sounds like OP may not have this life for much longer as her partner sounds close to jacking it all in! In that case, will you give him my phone number?

Onetoomanycornettos · 29/11/2010 17:48

TooImmature, when you put it like that, he sounds lovely, I wonder where I can get a husband like that too? (although in fairness, my husband also supported me though my PhD as I indeed supported him when his business ran into trouble). I don't see the point in trying to make out it's busier being a SAHM, surely the whole point is to go a little slower and enjoy more along the way. Coatgate's days sound lovely. I'm actually talking myself into it as I go.

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/11/2010 18:22

OP, I dont see parenting as a job but neither do I agree with the term full time mum. People dont stop being a parent when they are away from their child, be it at school or work etc.

Parenting is a choice but not a job.

sparkleshine · 29/11/2010 18:55

Hmm so many harsh comments and mixed views.

My DS is 11 mths and I knew I was going to go back to work. 1 because we can't just live off DP wages and 2 because I haven't spent years of training to be a nurse to give it up and lose my skills. Also the adult company helps.
I went back when he was 8 mths for 3 days. He has 2 days at nursery ( which he loves and has thrived on being with other babies) and a day just him and DP for male bonding.
I just couldn't imagine being stuck in the house 24/7 on my own. I also couldn't find hours worth of cleaning everyday. I actually do my cleaning with DS following me around on one of my days off.

I think the problem here with the OP is the problem your partner has with you not working. He may actually want to have a day extra off to do his own thing. I think you should sit down and have a serious chat about what you both want and need from your relationship and working life. The last thing I'm sure you all want is for the situation to become worse and for him to resent you.

nicola1969 · 30/11/2010 09:02

My partner is amazing but he is also incredibly hard... He will go out and build the summer house in the winter and work to make sure it has everything an artist needs.. BUT THEN HE WILL TRY TO BLACKMAIL ME and tell me that if i cant keep it tidy then i should go outside and hire my own studio..
i wasnt having that so he now lets me keep it in whatever condition i want . he built a teak decking area outside the studio and if he comeback and sees clay all over the steps he freaks out.. definately OCD.. so every cloud does not have a silver lining.

I think dikkert understands.... not working has benefited my children in so many ways and for me they matter more than my partner!

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 30/11/2010 11:17

I don't doubt that staying at home in the early years can have many advantages for the children, I guess the question is if you have stayed at home for 10-20 years, should you stay home for the next 10-20 years when your husband is not supportive of this. I think it would be great for you to try to take your business off the ground, I don't know what type of art you do, but it sounds like you can get quite well paid for the pieces you do, and that is a real plus (I know lots of artists who do small pieces that just don't sell at a high price, so however well they do, they are not really bringing in much money once they have paid tax etc). I think you would actually enjoy putting all your hard work in the degree to good use, plus choosing your own hours does mean you would still be around for the children a lot.

It sounds like you are in a bit of a power struggle: him trying to control how you do your art, you trying to retain your independence (within financial dependence). I am not sure how you solve this except to listen when he says he is unhappy, as the worst situation for you financially would be to lose your partner, as you are not married and have no claim whatsoever on anything unless you have drawn up a legal agreement (e.g. is the house and the studio in both your names?) Apart from the obvious emotional distress as well.

nicola1969 · 30/11/2010 20:05

those mums who work .. (excluding the one who have to for financial reasons) i think you hide behind your own selfishness.. looking after kids full time is a handful and i think your relieved to be away from the kids..so please dont chastise me for commiting fully to the task at hand..

and every day i cook from scratch .! you working mums probably defrost (welcome to iceland) from scratch .. i make my pizza from scratch even the dough ..dont you atleast miss the pleasure of such things!

whens the last time you made pizza dough?

OP posts:
Teachermumof3 · 30/11/2010 20:51

Nicola-I am quite aghast at some of your posts! I feel very sorry for your partner and really wonder whether the two of you can survive your selfish attitude! If you do split up-now your youngest child is 7, you would certainly have to seek paid employment, have you considered that? You wouldn't just get 1/2 of the house.

You have written that 'looking after kids full time is a handful'. I agree, it is-but you don't actually do this as they are at school all day! If I had a husband who was paying for everything PLUS a cleaner but is still having to tell me to tidy up-I'd be ashamed! I think the main point here though is that he is unhappy about shouldering 100% of the financial burden and something needs to change. Have you shown him the replies to this post?

As for dikkertjedap-you have commented that people don't know what SAHMs do all day as you do all of these things...

tidy the kitchen, hoover, mop the floors, do the bathrooms, tidy the garden, sweep leaves etc. Wash clothes, hang them out, do ironing, fix things when necessary etc etc Yes, this takes me 3- 4 hours a day. After that I start preparing dinner for dd

Well, the rest of us do these things as well!

Rebeccash · 30/11/2010 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Teachermumof3 · 30/11/2010 21:32

Nicola-when your kids grow up; do you think that they will look back and think that their mum was great because she make pizza dough or look back and be sad that their dad was unhappy?

I must ask again; have you shown him these replies?

dikkertjedap · 30/11/2010 23:29

Teachermumof3 - you must then have 48 hours in a day rather than 24 like most of us human beings or did you mean that I am just a lazy SAHM??? Oh, suffice to say, my dd doesn't need to be looked after by others in some sort of inferior care ... Of course, this also means that I cannot spend hundreds of pounds on X-mas spent on X-mas presents, I must be living on a different planet), but that is fine, because my dd does not even ask for expensive presents. She has always been clear that for her the most important thing is for me to be at home, and the day I decided to resign from my job and become full-time mum (before I wasn't full-time mum, my DH looked after dd), she was so so happy. Now, she often tells me that she is so happy that I am not working anymore and there for her all the time. I think it is about prioritising: child, career, money, status, etc. For me the top priority is the well-being, happiness of my child.

lukewarmcupofmulledwine · 01/12/2010 09:47

Bonkers

Op, why are you trying to validate yourself to complete strangers online? Everyone is different and sees life differently; all that matters is that you and your dp are listening to what each other is saying, respect each other and take steps to change if either of you aren't happy. Sounds like you're not listening to your dp's point of view, and there's only so long a relationship will last if you don't respect each other.

I'm also very glad that you're so happy with how you've brought your children up and the environment you've given them. But please don't make the mistake that just because it works for you, it should be what everyone else does.

Teachermumof3 · 01/12/2010 09:51

Teachermumof3 - you must then have 48 hours in a day rather than 24 like most of us human beings or did you mean that I am just a lazy SAHM???

No, just 24 like everybody else. It just seems odd that you are justifying what you do all day. Everyone else has to do all of those things too!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page