My baby is 4 months and I still hate being a mother

[LittleAmy]

When is this going to change? Will it ever change? I'm at the end of my rope.

You poor thing for feeling like this.
What's the main problem for you? What do you dislike most about being a mother?
I'm sorry that you are feeling like this as I'm sure it's not something that you can talk to people about in RL for fear of their reactions.
I have never disliked being a mother, but I found at least the first 6 months very hard, stressful and at times wished we'd waited another few years to start a family.
Now DD is 16 months old and I can say that since she was about a year old, I have loved every minute of it, I have more of my old life back, I feel like the old me, and I am looking forward to having more children.
I hope it's as simple as that for you.

:(

is there anything specific you hate? do you have much support round you? family. friends etc?

My house is a prison (I'm EBF). I'm sick and tired of never being alone. Never being able to even go for a walk (expressing takes too long).

I hate my husband.

Some days I even hate my DD.

What the hell can I do?

Amy :(

In your other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1072926-Ive-ruined-my-life-by-having-a-child a number of us suggested you got some proper help...do you think you might be able to do that?

Can you get a mother's help for a few hours a week, someone who can push dd around the block for half an hour, or mind her while you have a bath or pop out for a coffee?

Things WILL get better.

tell us about the decision to ebf, do you think it is working for you?

and of course, how do you feel about telling your HV about these feelings.

sorry to hear you are feeling so down, by the way.

I posted on the thread tiktok linked to

4 months is a weird time - they can go through a feeding frenzy/disrupted sleep thing which can be failry dramatic

I think you need some real life practical and emotional support.

You will also get lots of advice and a listening ear on MN but think you need it in RL as a matter of urgency

I hate being glued to DD. I feel like a robot. I'm fed the fuck up.

Can't seek professional support (HV, GP, etc) Been there, it doesn't work.

Don't know what the fuck to do.

My marriage is going down the drain.

Some days the only human contact I have is when my husband comes through the door at 6.30pm and by then I'm so fucking exhausted that I pick arguments.

Mum tells me to grow a pair. and she says that by being upset infront of DD I'm traumatising her. So I've stopped talking to mum for support.

No "friends" to speak of. Just aquaintences at the baby group I go to.

Have you started taking the anti-depressants? Have they helped?

If you hate breastfeeding, maybe it's worth thinking about stopping or mixfeeding?

your mum is giving you bad advice. (i can say that, i think my mum is full of helpful buck up chats as well.)

would you mind saying what happened with HV and GP?

i haven't read your other thread, but i do agree based on the first post of it that you may have PND

it's strange, i loved EBF because of the freedom i had! and you hate it because you feel constrained...

why do you feel you can't go out at all?

when you say EBF do you mean exclusively breastfeeding or expressed breastfeeding?

I think it may be time to introduce mixed feeding if you think it would help you - would your mum take the baby for a day here and there to help you?
In my experience it does get so much better, you feel less restricted the older they get.
Have you thought about counselling for you and your husband? Does he know how you're feeling? What's his take on it all?

Mum ... says that by being upset infront of DD I'm traumatising her.

Oh God, this reminds me of what my Mum said when we were TTC without success - that if I got stressed about it, it would never happen.

Sent me into a total tailspin - because you're being told your natural reactions aren't allowed, and what's more stressful than that?

You say seeing the GP didn't work - do you mean you've given up on the anti-ds? Because you sounded quite chipper on the John Lewis thread...

You poor thing, I do feel for you.

Four months is full on feeding and night waking nightmare sometimes.

Can you set yourself a timetable - find baby groups to go to? Swimming, music, a regular walk somewhere? If you can get out for a walk for half an hour it can help.

I dont' know the other thread, but you have to push GPs etc sometimes. You shouldn't have to but sometimes you do. If you have ADs please start taking them.

you need to take the advice posted on the other thread

speak to your doctor or HV, or go to a sure start centre if there is one near you

there is a strong likelihood these feelings will not go away, but get stronger and you will feel worse in time, or perhaps stay the same, which is clearly far from ideal

the reality of motherhood can be so very different from what oyu hope and imagine, but you aren't the first and won't be the last woman to feel like this

there is hlep out there, but oyu have to take steps to find it

good luck

I think you do have PND and I hope you get it sorted out. I am surprised you havent had any help from your GP or HV. I strongly recommend anti depressants at this time to help you get on board. They will NOT work straight away,it will take 2-3 weeks for them to settle down. You need to do something before it gets worse and potentially damage your and DD's health. I know it's hard, depression is horrible but it will only get worse if you dont act on it.
Councelling didn't work for me - it does for others.
Don't agree with what your mum is saying sorry.

the anti-ds gave me terrible insomnia so had to stop taking them. EBFing so cant take any other kind.

thisisyesterday - i want to go out without DD. Im becoming sick of the sight of her

"Does he know how you're feeling? What's his take on it all?"

he says he hates me and when DD is one year old i can fuck off.

Can you get a mother's help? Can you go out at the weekends when dh is home, or for an evening class/swim/yoga?

If you can express in the day, you may be able to get a good few hours to yourself in the evenings.

LittleAmy, maybe you should consider stopping breastfeeding and getting the depression under control. The good of EBF isn't worth having a mother who is sick of the sight of her for your dd.

I don't agree with your Mum, but she comes from a different generation where the only option for a woman in your position was to grit her teeth and bear it and 'buck up'. Mine is prone to handing out similar advice, she means well but it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

You have to get out of the house, no wonder you are going round the bend if you aren't getting out places.

Tell us about the feeding, because I found EBF utterly liberating by the time DS was 3/4 months. Before that it was a slog, but as I got better at it we had more freedom. It should be getting easier, and if it isn't then maybe you need to think about mixed feeding. I don't say that lightly, I am the world's most passionate advocate of breastfeeding but you have given it a bloody good go and clearly it hasn't clicked for you.

I think you have PND too. I had it and it is awful - but medication and counselling helped hugely. What hasn't worked about what you have tried so far?

Oh Christ, just read your last post about your dh.

Well he's only making matters worse. What happened to supporting his wife?

I can see things are far more complicated. How horrible of him. There you are, biggest change life can throw at you, hormones all over the place, no time to yourself and that's his way of helping? or is he usually a cock? Poor you and poor dd, with that for a father.

I think you need to speak to a counsellor. You're tired, depressed and vulnerable and the person who's meant to love you most hates you and wants you to fuck off, and your mum is no help either. No wonder you're feeling so bad.

I'm so sorry.

How often do you go out with other mums and babies of the same age? I only ask because 2 months after having DD I was at rock bottom. I had given up BFing and felt ashamed of myself (ridiculously so) and was going stir crazy in my house. Then I went to a local mum and baby group and met women who were also all first time mums and were going out of their minds a bit, too. We started meeting every Thursday and it helped no end. On bad days I would think longingly of Thursdays. It didnt fix everything but it helped a lot.

You say you have acquantances at the mum and baby group? Have you suggested meeting up every so often to do something with them?

You sound like you're spiralling. You need to go back to the drs and explore other avenues. If those anti-ds dont work you need to think about others. I know some might flame me for saying this, but the decision to quit BFing saved my sanity a little and certainly helped me bond with DD whom I was resenting for always rejecting my breast. If you need to quit for you mental health, I would say quit. Or certainly cut back.

Sometimes some of the posters on mn make exclusive bf sound like the be all and end all. I was heartbroken and felt like a complete failure when my mum ended up giving my DS a bottle (of formula) at a few days old, which i think was largely due to alot of what i'd read on here before his birth. In hindsight it was the best thing we ever did. He is now 6 months old and has formula last feed before bed and i also used to give him formula when we were out as i didn't like breast feeding in public. Rest of the time he is breast fed.

Was questioned by certain people why not express for times i was using formula but at the times when i did express i felt like i was spending all my time expressing and feeding and had no time for anything else, this was stressing me out. Now am much more relaxed at happy mum.