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Original poster

My baby is 4 months and I still hate being a mother

156 replies

LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 20:00

When is this going to change? Will it ever change? I'm at the end of my rope.

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Original poster
LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:04

ali - i cant even have an hour to sit in the bedroom and dry and straighten my hair. my heart rate goes up just sitting there waiting for the cry - and it always comes - when im only half way through. i try to dry shampoo as much as possible because i dont even have time to do my hair. i feel and look, a wreck.

we live in a pokey little flat. there is no space to myself. i feel choked.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 23/11/2010 21:04

can i ask your reason for continuing to bf, under the circumstances it doesn't seem like it's working for you (and by extension dd).

thisisyesterday · 23/11/2010 21:04

ok...

re: AD's. side effects are common, but often wear off. you really need to take them for 2 weeks or more to see that...
there is definitely more than one alternative if you are breastfeeding

if your GP is not sympathetic to this then maybe you need to see a different one?

I honestly don't think anything is going to change unless you get this under control. it isn't normal (at least, i don't think it is normal) to be sick of the sight of your baby :(
and even if you could go out for a whole weekend by yourself it wouldn't make anything any different

i know you said on the other thread that you feel people keep pushihng the option of formula onto you, and i don't want you to feel i am doing that, I am generally staunchly pro-breastfeeding! BUT and it's a big BUT, if you really feel this way about her and your need to get away then she WILL be fine if you leave her with your partner or mum for the day with some formula

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twolittlemonkeys · 23/11/2010 21:05

How long did you take the anti-Ds for? Sometimes it can take a few weeks before things start to get better on them. I didn't actually take ADs for my PND but I remember feeling very bleak, totally exhausted and fed up and hoping I'd have some horrible accident which would mean I'd be hospitalised and someone else would have to take over looking after my children.

I'm sorry the avenues you've tried haven't worked. Can you see a different GP at the practice and be referred for counselling?

In addition there are lots of natural things you can do to help, herbal supplements such as 5HTP, St John's Wort. Including more Omega 3 oils and B vitamins in your diet, drinking plenty of water, less sugar, caffeine and simple carbohydrates, more foods such as bananas, turkey, soy, low-fat dairy which boost serotonin levels. Lots of fresh air, sunshine and exercise can be great depression-busters too, so go for long walks - it gets you out of the house, baby can sleep in the buggy and you will feel better for it.

I know that's easy to say, but believe me it works.

Alouiseg · 23/11/2010 21:05

Amy, where are you, can we get some real life support to you?

I'm in North Essex, are you anywhere near me? I'd be glad to listen/ talk whatever you want.

I'm happy to give you a ring or Skype??

Original poster
LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:06

"Well he's only making matters worse. What happened to supporting his wife?"

tbh im a bitch. i deserve it.

OP posts:
lucy101 · 23/11/2010 21:06

You sound very depressed and you do need to keep trying to sort it out or as others are posting it may get worse.

You can't give up on meds yet - how many different ones have you tried?

Take a look at this other thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1089844-PND-just-been-diagnosed-Sertraline-anyone-else

Sometimes you need to try different ones (and for long enough) to see what suits and works for you.

Can you go back to the GP and ask for counseling too? Again, you have to get the right fit of person.

If the GP isn't helping, see another one in the practise and keep seeing people until you get some support.

If you can start feeling a little better (maybe because of meds working) then you can start making other changes - because you need to tackle this on different levels (even if it feels insurmountable right now) like going out more/slowly making friends etc.

It is miserable feeling like this but you need to keep trying to get better.

Longtalljosie · 23/11/2010 21:06

"he says he hates me and when DD is one year old i can fuck off."

Right... Do you think he meant that? I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing to say - but was it said in the heat of a row? Do you think he really means that?

AitchTwoOh · 23/11/2010 21:07

i do think expecting an hour to yourself with a young baby isn't that likely, unless dh or your mother is with her. they want company, they love it.

does she sleep during the day at all?

Original poster
LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:09

can i ask your reason for continuing to bf, under the circumstances it doesn't seem like it's working for you (and by extension dd).

because its the only decent thing i do for DD

OP posts:
madmissy · 23/11/2010 21:11

I have finally beaten PND I personally gave up BF so I could take stronger painkillers that I took at night to help me sleep.

Please try all avenues for help, its very hard but it can be done

dizietsma · 23/11/2010 21:13

Oh LA, please get help.

Change GP's if your current practice are unhelpful. It's really easy, I just took a friend to do this the other day because her current GP is an unhelpful waste of space and it literally took 5 minutes.

I know that depression makes everything seem hopeless and pointless and impossible, but it's not.

AitchTwoOh · 23/11/2010 21:14

i wonder if that sort of self-flagellation is a symptom of your pnd, tbh? it might be the best form of nutrition, especially if you are no longer drinking, but if it is preventing you from getting treatment and therefore enjoying her company, i think it's worth moving to formula.

(i am a failed bfer, btw, twice. i do get the instinct, and the loathing as well, i was definitely trapped by it, because i was so rubbish. very complicated feelings to give up trying, but i look back with no concerns that it was the best thing to do for my mental health and the dds')

Original poster
LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:14

twolittlemonkeys - i only took 1 anti-d and it caused terrible insomnia. i was a bigger wreck the next day than i am now. i cant endure that for 2 weeks. i physically cant.

before i was pregnant i used exercise to treat my depression - and it worked.

but now i havent the time, space or energy.

OP posts:
AitchTwoOh · 23/11/2010 21:16

what happened with the GP? why are they not helping you?

Original poster
LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:16

Right... Do you think he meant that? I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing to say - but was it said in the heat of a row? Do you think he really means that?

i can understand why he would hate me.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 23/11/2010 21:18

Put your DD in a sling and walk for exercise. Fresh air will do you both good.

AitchTwoOh · 23/11/2010 21:18

some men are not good nurses, but it doesn't make them bad men. Smile

you must get better anti-ds, to use as your window of opportunity. you will be able to exercise again, but in the meantime you need some medicinal care imo.

Original poster
LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:19

i do think expecting an hour to yourself with a young baby isn't that likely, unless dh or your mother is with her. they want company, they love it.

dh is with her when i attempt to do my hair.

OP posts:
pushmepullyou · 23/11/2010 21:20

Amy, the first time I enjoyed being a mum was sitting on a beach with my DD when she was 6 months old. It was the same day as I went to my first client meeting since she was born (my DH looked after her outside and we went to the beach afterwards). For the first time I started to feel like me again and the relief was tremendous.

She was starting to eat and therefore feed less (I ebfed too), she was more interactive and much more able to communicate and therefore more rewarding to be with, plus it made it easier to tell what she wanted and gave me a lot more confidence in parenting her.

She is 2 next week and I couldn't be more in love with her. Go to your GP or health visitor and get some support, but above all try to have faith in the fact that this stage is a very short time in your baby's life and you will come through it.

sazlocks · 23/11/2010 21:21

I saw and commented on your last thread too. I am sorry that you are not feeling any better.
The fact that you are talking about how you feel on here is good for you and good for your DD. Breastfeeding is presented as the be all and end all but it sounds like it is not working for you or your DD if its making you so miserable and trapped. You are clearly reaching out here and trying to get help which is a good thing. However, there is a limit to what people on MN can do for you and I think you really need to try and get some help in real life.

dizietsma · 23/11/2010 21:21

LA living with someone who has depression is frustrating, infuriating and heartbreaking. Put a newborn into the mix of that with all the stress they bring and of course you and your DH are behaving badly to each other. If you are worried about your relationship then get help. The only way anything in your life will improve right now is if you get the support you need from professionals who know how to help.

scallopsrgreat · 23/11/2010 21:21

LA - So why doesn't your DH do something about your DDs crying while you are busy?

AitchTwoOh · 23/11/2010 21:22

well he needs to learn to care for her for longer. can you ask him to take her out in the sling? fresh air normally puts them to sleep imo.

thing is, though, i don't see many new mums with straight hair. that one may well be a pipe dream for the moment.

heymango · 23/11/2010 21:23

Hi Littleamy - I was on your other thread - sorry things haven't improved for you.

Please try to take some of the advice offered - so many people have been through what you are going through, and come out the other side.

Put DD in her buggy and go for a long walk. Take a bottle of formula, or a blanket to wrap around you while you feed her - people aren't going to look or worry if you are sitting on a bench in a park.

Stop and go for a coffee, just the two of you, get a magazine and relax.

Persist with the ADs - the insomnia may have been a one-off.

Could you, DH and DD go away for a weekend - somewhere cheap, by the sea - walks along beaches? Confidence to BF with him around? Different place where no-one knows you? (I know you said very few women BF where you live)

He doesn't hate you - perhaps you are pushing him away and he can't deal with it. Please try to see that this will get better, but you need to try some different strategies. Take care.