My baby is 4 months and I still hate being a mother

[LittleAmy]

When is this going to change? Will it ever change? I'm at the end of my rope.

Amy, I've been rock bottom. I'm in leicestershire, contact me if you want to meet up.

If I were you I would:

1. take the ADs I took ADs - they make you feel shit for 2 weeks then really really really help. And if it doesn;'t try another one.

1. Go back to HV and tell her how terribly bad you feel and a friend, and your mum explain you need help and ask for it, people really do want to help. Find a number of exercise classes and see if anyone can look after her for the hour that it happens.

1. Talk to your DH and explain that you think you are ill and need his help.

4.Try lots of skin to skin cuddles.

1. don't worry if you don't love her yet, it can take time, took me about 6 months with DS2 and now I get accused of favouritising him, and he is totally emotionally fine.

1. Keep going to the baby groups/any other places you can, contact your local surestart centre and ask them or your HV for more ideas, I go insane when I spend all day in.

good luck, I'm thinking of you

Amy you will only have wasted anyone's time if you don't act on any of these suggestions.

Do you really want to fix this? I'm asking because you are stonewalling all the suggestions and ideas that anyone is presenting to you. There is no magic cure for this, you aren't suddenly going to wake up one day and everything be better, you have to find some strength and desire from within yourself to take the first steps to getting yourself better.

Thats not what I meant, and I am sorry if that's how it came across, I am worried about you, so are many others,

I am anxious that you secure help in RL and only you can do that

littleamy - you're not wasting anyones time. we all want to help you.

Its not about wasting time. You are doing a good thing by posting how you feel on here and getting advice from people who have been through it.
Take time to read back through this thread and your previous one. There is lots of good advice, offers of support and people who are sharing their experiences to help you realise you are not alone.
I hope you get help in real life and soon.

You sound very depressed. I know this because I've been there. Everything is too hard, nothing is worth the effort, no-one will help you. That's what depression makes you think. But it's not the truth, it's depression. Truth is that there is a whole world of resources and support you can access, we can suggest these, but we can't do it for you. You need to be extra brave, and I know you've been brave for so long and you're tired, and at the end of your rope, but be a bit more brave for a little bit longer and reach out until you find something that works. Part of being a mum means realizing when it's time to ask for help. That time has come.

it's fair enough to sound like that, amy. i pity you too, it sounds horrible for you right now. but the problem is that there isn't a thing that can be done on here for you, other than listen. you have to ask for real, practical, medical help.

and then, boyoboy, we will listen and laugh and bitch and kvetch and it will be you and us and your dd and dh on the road to recovery.

You're not wasting anyone's time. Every single person here has the option of getting up and doing the ironing instead, but we'd all much rather lull you through your misery.

Now then.

Firstly, your husband - he needs to take the baby OUT. he needs to take her OUT for that hour that you need to have a bath and do your hair. You won't relax if you're waiting for her to squeak, so he needs to take her away and let you have the whole damn flat to yourself for an hour. She will not starve in an hour. feed her, hand her over, and say to him "Go for a walk and do not come back until X o clock unless you truly think she needs a doctor."

I remember needing that very much - somoene to take the baby AWAY for a little while.

Secondly - try a different antidepressent. they don't all cause insomnia. Side effects go away after 3 weeks max - what is better, feeling shit for 3 weeks or feeling shit forever more because you won't take the tablets you clinically need?

Thirdly - have a think about whether or not you would be happier if your daughter could be fed without your breasts having to be involved. She has had a good four months and a virgin gut is not worth much if your mother is miserable.

Fourthly - it gets better, it gets so so much better, so much easier, so much nicer. And it will do soon.

Amy - in your situation I would change to Formula Feeding and going back on the AD's that work!

Breastfeeding is great - but it's not the be-all and end-all of parenting. I know you feel it's the one thing you are doing for her - but to be honest, you being well is FAR more important than her being BF - you have given the best start - now it's time to give her the best Mum you can be.

bfing is great if you can do it, but i think you can't do it and be healthy. neither could i. it's not a failing on your part, it's just a crummy fact of your life. you have depression, which in your case just isn't compatible with bfing.

would you handle the idea of a bottle of formula at night, to start off with?

You can be really proud of yourself for EBFing this far though and giving your dd a great start - my baby is about the same age as yours and no one I know in real life is still EBFing.

LBsmum, don't worry, I don't think it was your post in particular that sparked Amy's subsequent one.

Amy, I asked this on your other thread: you mention having no friends and I was curious about that. Do you really have no friends at all?

I just wondered in case the reality is that you've let your friendships drift a bit, and are now thinking negatively (because you are depressed) that they are dead. Can you clarify? If you have any friends at all, even ones you haven't seen for a while, they would probably be glad to help you if they knew how awful things have become.

It comes down to what everyone else has said, you can't just stonewall all the suggestions; you do need to reach out. EBFing your DD is great, but not half as important for her wellbeing as making sure you are a happy and healthy mum to her.

If you need an our to yourself you DH shouldn't be at home with DD and you, he should take her out. She'll be calmer for longer, and if she crys you won't hear it so you won't become stressed by it.

You need to tell your DH to do this at least once a week.

bfing isn't the be all and end all, but I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it's the only good thing you do - I felt exactly the same.

I didn't let DH take DD out for ages because I thought she'd scream and he wouldn't be able to stop it.

I now realise that she almost certainly wouldn't scream if they were out and he kept moving continuously, and if she did it wouldn't be the end of the world.

fwiw, we got through it and I ended up bfing for aaaaages, and am now pg with dc2, this time I shall be shoving DH and the baby out the door at the earliest opportunity.

When I was beating myself up about BFing I read (on here I think) something which really helped. That "Breast is best" stuff was kicking me when I was down. Someone helpfully amended it to "every little helps" (promise I didnt get this from Tesco...though they have the right idea!) Suddenly I realised that I'd BF'd for 2 months. For 2 months DD got the good stuff, including that oh-so-important first colostrum. Then we switched to formula and it was just the best thing for all of us. DH got to experience more feeding times and I felt less of a milk-cow...a failed milk-cow at that. I intend on trying again if we have another baby, but will remember that mantra whenever I struggle.

And see, your DD has had 2 whole months more than my DD had. You should feel very, very proud of yourself! But being a good mum does not mean sacrificing yourself for your daughter. It sometimes means making the choice to save yourself a little and in your case you can do this by saying "I fed my daughter the best I could for 4 months, but now I need to focus on my mental health"

How much does your partner understand about depression? How much do you really talk to him, without spoiling for a fight? At one point my DH and I were stuck in a rut of sniping at each other without ever saying anything nice. It took us both sitting down and talking about why we were so horrible to each other.

I know right now everything feels hard and useless but you can get there.

Breastfeeding is only bestfeeding if its working for your family.
As littlewhitewolf is saying every day makes a difference and you have made a whole lot of difference to your DD.

Ach love, please think about at least introducing a bottle.

I was in a similar way at 4 months (think many people hit a wall then).

My baby didn't want a bottle so we had to insist. It was awful and hard but probably better than me wanting to commit suicide daily. Who knows, I might have done it.

i was told 'every little helps' at my bfing clinic thing. i found it really comforting.

four months is a great, GREAT effort, amy. give yourself a break here, in every sense. you seem like a nice woman, you shouldn't have to live in this miserable state. get better, and have a laugh again.

i don't think littleamy needs to stop breastfeeding if she doesn't want to

she said on the other thread that she felt she was being "pushed" into using formula when she didn't want to, and i think people should respect that decision

while i agree that she needs time away from the baby, that doesn't mean she has to stop breastfeeding.

there are medications which are compatible with breastfeeding so it isn't a one or the other situation is it? and there is evidence to suggest that women with PND often feel worse if they give up BF due to feelings of guilt (not saying they should btw, it's just something I have read)

Personally I think it would be a hgood idea to give some AD's a proper go and THEN think about if the feeding needs changing. In the meantime of course DH needs to help out more with the baby so that littleamy doesn't feel she is the only one doing it all

I would like to add a couple of things. You mentioned somewhere further up 'it's the only thing I can do for DD'. Well you are already doing so much for your DD and you need to start giving yourself credit for this. I went through some really low patches with my DD, and I found it helped to break down my 'achievements' for each day (I know this sounds patronizing and I'm sorry, but this really worked to help me gain a bit of perspective through the PND haze). For example - I used to say to myself 'I must be doing OK because today I ensured she was fed, clothed, cleaned, and comforted). Don't think of it as any more than this and certainly don't go down the 'but I didn't do...' path, focus on the positives, however small.

Now for getting some time to yourself:
I don't know if most/all offer this but my local council gym has a creche and also a cafe on site. Now you don't actually have to use the gym to use the creche, you can just use the cafe. Stick with me here, you need small steps to help you feel better - I ended up putting aside going to the gym and instead went to the cafe for a cup of tea and a good browse through the paper. I remember you said you used to exercise to feel better, well hopefully this is another option for you to relax and get some 'me' time.

was unaware of her having posted that, sorry, thisisyesterday. i can imagine that everyone is saying to give it up...

no need to apologise, i just saw it on the other thread and thought i'd give a head's up.

Thisisyesterday She has said that the AD's her Dr gave her, gave her insomnia and the only others she can have, she can't take while BF. So, yes, I think she does need to stop BF - stop being made to feel guilty about it - and get herself well. The baby has had 4 months EBF - it has been a good start - but it's clearly not good for Amy if she can't take AD's and not good for any of them that she is feeling like this!!!

Maybe another option is a buggy you could jog with, I've heard lots of babies like this too and your DD might sleep. You'd also get some exercise and hopefully help with your depression.

I actually did leave our DD with DH even though it was likely she'd cry (and still do) as I need to have a shower, dry my hair etc. I block out the noise and remind myself that DH is her daddy and he can cope for a few minutes.

Although I BFed DD (until she was 14mo) she would take a bottle of formula from DH on the occasions I couldn't feed her. It worked well for us as expressing just took too long but the odd bottle wasn't a problem for anyone. It meant DH could comfort DD if she was hungry and it freed me up to do the odd thing on my own. Might this be an option? We used BreastFlow bottles and DD took to them straight away.

Aitch - Amy needs to understand that BF is not 'all she is doing' for her baby & that she needs her AD's more than the baby needs the BM :(