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Parenting

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Original poster

My baby is 4 months and I still hate being a mother

156 replies

LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 20:00

When is this going to change? Will it ever change? I'm at the end of my rope.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/11/2010 21:23

Can you not put your DD in a carrier and go out for long walks? I know it isn't the same as the gym or whatever but it would be something.

I agree it is unrealistic to expect an hour to yourself - but won't your DD sit in her bouncer and you talk to her while you sort your hair out and do your makeup?
I'm trying not to sound like your Mum here, but I think it's really easy to fall into the 'oh god my life is ruined I can't do anything the way I could before' trap. Once you are there (which I have been) then it is hard, but you have to adapt how you do things and alter your expectations and find sources of joy and comfort and satisfaction in new things.

It is bloody hard being a Mum, it really is, and the pressure to do it 'right' is immense and contributes hugely to feelings of failure IME.

sazlocks · 23/11/2010 21:23

Re exercise - have you thought about one of the classes that you can do with the baby in a buggy ? pushy mothers, buggyfit etc - don't know how much they cost. Some local authorities have cheap classes or buggy friendly walks.

dizietsma · 23/11/2010 21:25

Agree with Aitch, you need to let go of your DD and let your DH be her dad for longer periods, for the sake of your sanity and for the sake of his bond with her. He needs to learn how to be a dad and can't do that unless you let him deal with the good and the bad.

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Original poster

LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:25

LA - So why doesn't your DH do something about your DDs crying while you are busy?

what can he do? he doesnt have tits :(

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 23/11/2010 21:25

Right... Do you think he meant that? I mean, it's a horrible, horrible thing to say - but was it said in the heat of a row? Do you think he really means that?

i can understand why he would hate me.

Not the same thing. When I'm down, I feel pretty hateable as well.

You used exercise to combat depression before. Were you a member of a private gym? Is there one near you with a creche? Mine takes babies from 8 weeks.

To those who say that won't do it for PND - I know. But it's a start.

dizietsma · 23/11/2010 21:26

He doesn't need them. She's 4 months, she can go a couple of hours without feeding. It's not all up to you, stop martyring yourself.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/11/2010 21:28

She isn't only crying for food, not by this age. He can perfectly well keep her amused for 20 minutes while you finish sorting yourself out - DH was doing it with DS from younger than that.

He needs to learn to be a Dad, but you have to let him. It is a two-way thing and it isn't easy.

scallopsrgreat · 23/11/2010 21:30

Amy you DH needs to start taking some responsibility for his child. It can't and shouldn't be all down to you. No wonder you are feeling depressed you are getting zero support. But as others say - you have to let people support you - be they your DH or professionals.

MollieO · 23/11/2010 21:31

Why can't you go to the gym, for a swim etc if you know exercise helps your depression?

Lots of gyms have good creches. Go and find one and spend an hour exercising. Your baby is old enough to go in a creche - my local one took them from 4 months and ds went the day he turned 4 months (although actually really 9 weeks as he was prem). It gave me some time to think about myself and do something just for me.

Have you tried any of the NCT stuff? I missed the classes as ds was too early but managed to get to know those who were on the course I should have attended. It meant that I met up with the same people each week and spent time chatting. I found classes hard as a lot of people seemed to know each other. I can't think of one baby class I attended where I made a friend.

It does get easier but it is so hard when you are in the middle of it. I've never really liked babies so for me it only really changed when ds was 16 months and started talking well enough to have some sort of conversation. I also went back to work at 10 months, which helped.

If you don't want to go to the gym then get a all terrain pushchair and go out for long walks. If you and your dd are wrapped up you can go out in practically any weather. There is nothing worse than sitting in a flat staring at four walls and feeling trapped.

FanjolinaJolie · 23/11/2010 21:31

"because its the only decent thing i do for DD"

Well it doesn't have to be. You could get help with your depression which would be the best thing you could do for your DD, and for you too. If you don't where do you see yourself in a months time, in three months time?

Go to your GP as a matter of urgency, ask to try a different type of and and give yourself a realistic timescale to see if they begin to work. You could write on the calendar each day a score out of ten for your mood to see if there is an improvement.

It might be worth stopping the ebf if it is causing you to have serious negative feelings towards your DD.

As for exercise, you could powerwalk with your DD in a pushchair or sling, or have you considered a gym with a creche where you could do a class or swim for an hour or so for a bit of time-out?

Original poster

LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:31

what are my options ladies? - all of them, even far-fetched ones

OP posts:

FanjolinaJolie · 23/11/2010 21:33

options for what?

Coping with a baby?

heymango · 23/11/2010 21:34

You have got some really great options here - from mums who have been through it all and understand what it's like. You need to try some of them out and see what works for you.

Longtalljosie · 23/11/2010 21:34

See Fanjolina's post. Those are options...

ZombiePlanB · 23/11/2010 21:35

You could hint at where you are based, I am sure someone would meet you for coffee / take you to a babygroup

FanjolinaJolie · 23/11/2010 21:36

Do you think you have PND?

beebuzzer · 23/11/2010 21:40

Agree with LWW above.

dizietsma · 23/11/2010 21:41

Fanjolina- read the previous thread.

LA- you have been given 1000 options, please try them!

MollieO · 23/11/2010 21:43

Is there any type of baby massage class available where you are? I did one through the HV service for mums with PND or with babies with medical issues. Odd to lump us both together but I think it was done on the basis that those with PND were struggling to bond with their babies, and this can also be a problem with babies who have medical issues (like my ds). It was a way of learning something whilst talking about what was worrying you - a HV ran the class.

It was incredibly supportive and non-judgey. You could say whatever you wanted to however awful. Big contrast to some of the usual baby classes I went to that had huge amounts of competitive mothering going on. This mostly made me want to vomit and sometimes made me feel very inadequate.

FanjolinaJolie · 23/11/2010 21:43

You are doing your DD a great disservice if you recognise you have a problem with depression yet choose to try nothing to address it.

See your GP and try a different type of AD, keep trying until you feel an improvement.

Look for baby groups or classes in your local area which interest you.

Find opportunities during the day when you can get outside in the fresh air even if for only twenty minutes. Exercise if you feel like it it may well improve your mood considerably.

Relate for some marriage counselling once your depression has improved.

You can leave your DD with your husband and leave the house, the time together will do them both good and your DH is prfectly capable of comforting your DD without needing tits (provided she has recently been fed).

Reach out

thisisyesterday · 23/11/2010 21:44

you have a plethora of options, i don't think we could list all of them!

what i would do would be this:

give the AD's another go. promise yourself you will do it for a week. and then re-evaluate.

if not happy then see a different GP about it. ask about PND.

talk to your husband. or write him a letter! I did that with dp when ds1 was tiny and i wasn't coping. i found when we "discussed" stuff it ended in an argument. in a letter i could bullet point all the difficulties i had, all the things he could do to try and help me, and all the things he did that made it worse

it was probably horrid for him to read, but it was something i needed to do, and it DID help

you need to start working together. he needs to try and help more with the baby, and you need to let him.
that might start with an arrangement that he takes baby out in the sling/buggy for an hour every sunday morning, allowing you time to go to the gym, or take a nice long bath and do your hair?

you need to talk to your mum, maybe see if she would sit for you once a fortnight or something. even if it was just for a couple of hours while you and dh go for a walk or out for a drink or 2. being together alone is important.

I honestly don't think that anything will change until you are effectively treating the depression tho. and you know that the only person who can do that is you.
it doesn't mean giving up breastfeeding if you don't want to, in fact from what you have said i would worry that giving up totally would give you awful feelings of guilt and possibly make it worse.
but there are several diff medications you can take while breastfeeding, so if the first one really, really doesn't work for you then you need to try something else. and you need to give it time to work

MoonUnitAlpha · 23/11/2010 21:46

LittleAmy, you need to sort your mental health out o0r it will affect your DD. Can you go and stay with your mum for a bit while you get used to the ADs so she can help?

I agree with the previous poster that your DH can look after the baby. Feed her and go out, turn your phone off and don't come back for two hours. They will both be fine.

beebuzzer · 23/11/2010 21:47

If you live anywhere around west London/watford I'd be happy to meet up for a coffee. Thats my best sorry. Sorry you are having a tough time but you need to take the bull by the horns and start fighting against this otherwise it will destroy you. Not all of the mums on here have been there,but many I am sure have been rock bottom and the only way is to tackle it head on.

LBsmum · 23/11/2010 21:56

Hello LittleAmy, followed your last thread and feel compelled to post on this one.

You seem to be asking for help but not taking it, there seems to be very little left for anyone to say to you.

Within your first post I sensed you had concerns about your abilities as a mother and that you wanted to do the best for you DD. This thread seems to show your attitude towards your DD has hardend and she has now become part of the problem. This should concern you, your DD is not at fault here and is entirely reliant on you making postive choices on her behalf. She needs you to help yourself.

You have only one option and thats to get your depression under control, if that means taking AD's, stopping breastfeeding, or getting out and about whilst being comfortable BF, then please do it, please

Original poster

LittleAmy · 23/11/2010 21:57

im sorry for wasting your time. i sound like a self-pitying brokden record

OP posts:

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