My baby is 4 months and I still hate being a mother

[LittleAmy]

When is this going to change? Will it ever change? I'm at the end of my rope.

LittleWhiteWolf describes me, only I obsessively expressed and gave no formula as I felt it was the one way I could be a good mother. Sane, right? I wish to God I'd been together and rested enough just to whip out the sodding formula.

Other mothers know it's hell. As someone with a fabulous toddler, who HATED the first year, I promise you - it gets better.

I didn't love my son the first year. That made the treadmill of work just appalling, because there was no payoff. And my DH wasn't interested in our baby, either, and we fought so much. In all honesty I think what you describe is very normal, just never admitted to. There is nothing wrong with you at all - you're exhausted and unhappy with very good reason. It will pass, and it will get better, but you need some sleep - real sleep, with someone feeding the baby (formula, if need be) and no demands at all. And you need to set up a few hours a week where you can swim, or get a massage, or SOMETHING that's just for you. Your mother's reaction is horrifying - if she is so bothered about your baby, why the hell isn't she supporting you?

I'm in Gloucestershire if you fancy a coffee. My Mum has my son overnight once a week in Birmingham (you see what a difference support can make, Amy's Mum?) so we could meet for a coffee in either place if you like. I know how hard this is - you are not going mad. Look how many women here are telling you they felt/feel the same. Being a mum to a baby is HARD, exhausting and relentless. But it's a very short time. Just feels endless, while living through it.

Little Amy, my word this is so much like how I was 5 years ago with DS. He was EBF, lived in a small village we'd moved to just before he was born (stupid mistake) so knew bugger all people. God did I miss work and being a grown up. My usually work shy DH developed an urgent need to get to work early and return home only after 7 pm and disappear for weekends doing stuff, it was shit. I too had a baby glued to me for 5 months when finally I got 5 minutes to walk to the village shop and buy a newspaper one evening! I have never found 5 minures by myself so liberating.

What I am trying to say is that although it is hard now, it does get better. honestly, it does. You will be OK

Morning Amy, hope you've had an OK night.

I think the first thing is to try to identify some you-time. I'd love to see you back at the gym since that was a real boost for you. Were you a member of a gym before? Does it have a creche?

How are you doing today Amy?

I think your DH needs to MTFU and take the baby out for an hour or so every day. for one thing, he needs to get to know her better, let alone giving you a break. And when he's with her, he needs to not be texting you! My DH took DS to the park for 2 hours when he was about 7 weeks old. He had a bottle of ebm, which he used in the first 20 mins, and DS screamed the rest of the time. He sent me a text telling me they were having a lovely time, because he knew I needed 2 hours to myself ( I had a bath, read my book and did my toenails, bliss!), and he also knew he needed to work out how to calm ds down.

At 4 months, she is old enough to go for a while without a feed, even if she's crying, some distraction like a walk in the park may send her to sleep or calm her down.

If you get a little break, it will help you feel like yourself again so much, I promise. I know it's not the answer to pnd, for that you need to get a new dr and some different meds, but it will help!

As for the feeding, I honestly don't see how the odd bottle of formula will do any harm, especially if it means you can go to the gym, or out for a bit on your own.

Or, I run in the evening when DH gets home, I only go out for half an hour, and just after DS has fed, so I know I have at least 45 mins to run and shower before he might need another feed (evening cluster feeds!) would that be an option?

Hi Amy. I've been following your threads and send you huge sympathy for the state of mind you're in now. That really sucks.

You've already taken a number of the suggestions people have made on board and that's great.
Now can I suggest a further plan of action?

1. Change your GP. Now. Then make an appointment with your new one ASAP and request different anti-ds, explaining why the previous ones are unsuitable. Then start taking them and stick with them for a while. This is priority one.

1. Breast feeding is important to you, so carry on with it. But persevere in encouraging DD to take an occasional bottle (be it formula or expressed milk) to take the pressure off you a bit (and give your DH fewer excuses to bother you when he's in charge).

1. Try with your DD when she's unsettled. It works on older babies as well and your DH can use the technique.

1. Draw up a rota (or similar) in agreement with your DH specifying times when he's babysitting for an hour or two. Encourage him to take the baby for a walk. Meanwhile, this is when you can straighten your hair etc. Turn off your phone if necessary. If your DD cries, your DH can comfort her. He's probably as lacking in confidence as any new dad, but the only way he can build it up is to practice.

1. Take your DD for at least one walk every day (for a nap, ideally - but doesn't have to be). At this age, she probably needs to sleep after no more than 1.5 hours awake max.) It'll help your tone up and that plus the breast feeding will soon see you dropping excess baby weight etc.

1. Examine your diet. Cooking can be tough to fit in, so get loads of stuff like fruit, sliced bread and sliced cold meat, prepared salad etc., breakfast cereal. Things you can prepare and eat with one hand, if necessary. Avoid too much sugar, it causes havoc with moods and energy levels (but a bit of decent quality chocolate is a must for all new mothers, IMO ) It's essential you're eating properly, both for you and your DD.

1. Pram rocking indoors for a nap or two can work quite well and you can often wedge a book to read while you're doing it - I got through loads of books that way and it helped save my sanity in the early days! Something to help you get out of yourself and apply your brain to something other than mothering, while soothing your DD to sleep.

1. Enlist your mum's help with a bit of childcare, but practice saying "I'm struggling at the moment, Mum and I really need your help right now, not criticism..."

We're all concerned about you Amy, but you CAN do this. You'll be OK.

PS other MNers: I believe Amy is in the NE - Tyneside-ish....

Amy I just wanted to check in and say I hope you are doing okay.