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Parenting

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DD2 6 just told me something that has worried me...

668 replies

GruesomeShellChillingTortoise · 02/11/2010 16:29

She just said that her 13yr old half Brother keeps pulling her trousers and knickers down and looking at her privates and has touched her(haven't asked her how). And when she is led on his bed he puts her knickers over her head so that his face is close to her privates. Sad
I have just quickly spoken to him (because i didn't know what to say) and he said it was true. I have told him he mustn't do hings like that to his sister and that he shouldn't be looking/touching her privates.

Now i am worried and not sure if i should be doing/saying anything else to either DD2 or DS1.

Please help. Sad

OP posts:
LoopyLoops · 03/11/2010 22:41

Please don't change your mind Tortoise.

It isn't going to be pretty or enjoyable, but you will be doing a massive disservice to all of your children if you don't seek professional help.

I don't need to spell out what that could mean, either for your little girls or your boy, but remember that it is your responsibility to get help for them. DD2 has come to you for support, you need to act on what she (and DD1) has told you.

Please don't think that it will just go away. It won't.

BookcaseFullofBooks · 03/11/2010 22:51

Please please get help for the sake of both your son and daughters. He is at an age where he can still be helped if given access to the appropriate people and your daughters need the opportunity to process their experiences.

Thinking of you all.

ginodacampoismydh · 03/11/2010 22:51

oh no tortiose come on dont change your mind. It is so difficult to predict what may and may not happen here. the police may want to talk to him they may not. that does not mean he will treated as a criminal he will will still be treated as 13 yr old boy, the damage of not calling ss may mean he and you will further down the line need to talk to the police under more seriouse matters, you do not want to deny him the help he needs now. who knows he may face convictions later in life, that could all be prevented now.

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GruesomeShellChillingTortoise · 03/11/2010 22:52

I know i have to get help and i will. Just the 'doing it' will be really hard. I am scared of what will happen. Should i speak to DS1's dad? Or wait until i know more? I can see him being as much use as a chocolate teapot! Knowing his mother, she will say i am making it up. Sad

OP posts:
ginodacampoismydh · 03/11/2010 22:56

dont talk to his dad yet or anyonelse emotionaly involved untill you have the bigger picture. If i where you i would call ss as soon as kids are at school and offices are open that way Some clafity will be maintained for you as you will have spoken to tangible person about a tangible situation, you will not see any resolution untill you do at least make that first step, it may be long and grueling but at least it may have a reasonible end.

AnyFawker · 03/11/2010 22:57

don't speak to him just yet

wait and see what you are advised to do, and let someone else take the responsibility of making these horrendously difficult decisions

if your son's treatment at the hands of his father is influencing his behaviour at the moment, having his dad kick off just now will be disastrous

take advice first, please

ginodacampoismydh · 03/11/2010 22:57

clarity even

Lougle · 03/11/2010 22:57

Tortoise - firstly, well done for being brave. That was a hard, hard phonecall.

Secondly, ignore all the bitching and fighting on here. These people have their own experiences, and their own 'baggage' to deal with. You have your situation to deal with.

Thirdly, if you stop now, and you find that in the future your children, all of them, are emotionally scarred, you will live with that forever.

Think of it like a wound with grit and dirt in it. It will heal eventually, or seem to. But that grit will eventually work its way to the top and burst out, and the result is not pretty.

A wound like that needs to be washed out, cleaned, and carefully stitched so that the scar is neat and strong.

Your children, all of them, DD1, DD2, DS1 and now DS2, need you to show them how you deal with difficult situations. You don't run away, you don't hide it, you confront it.

Your DS1 has been a victim once. Don't let him be a victim of himself now. Let him get the help he needs.

Your DD1 & DD2 need to know that when they turn to their Mum for help, they get it, no matter how hard it is.

Your DS2 is watching and listening, you can be sure. He needs to know too, that any sexually inappropriate behaviour is dealt with immediately, dealt with properly and is NOT acceptable. The alternative is that you teach him that girls aren't that important.

You CAN DO THIS. You HAVE to do this.

Think on. Do you want to be in the same situation next year? Do you want to worry for the rest of your life about your DS's behaviour, and your DD's future?

Now think about your DS having had help to change his behaviour, change his thought processes, become a wholesome, decent young man who would be an absolute treasure to a young lady in the future. And a DD1 and DD2 who went into adulthood free from the shadow of this. Who could trust and love a man, without fearing abuse.

Take care, and remember that you can do this.

LoopyLoops · 03/11/2010 22:59

Are you not his mother? I'm confused... so they share a dad? Or do you mean your ex's mother?

Either way doesn't matter. Tell him once you have in your head exactly what you need to do to get the situation better. As soon as you have spoken to SS you will have a much better idea of what needs to be done.

Of course it is hard, and of course you are scared. None of us would like to be in your position, and I appreciate it is very different for us to say what needs to be done. You know that you all need help, and you will do it, so in my opinion that makes you a great mother and a very strong person. Be proud of yourself.

We'll be here for you, as will your RL friends, and your children too. Don't worry, it will all turn out OK in the end, you have caught this early and effective therapy should make everything much better.

More hugs. :) :) :)

bumpybecky · 03/11/2010 23:00

excellent post Lougle

one step at a time Tortoise and don't even begin to think about what ExP and Ex-MIL will say

ginodacampoismydh · 03/11/2010 23:03

and reads lougles post again, so well put Im sure nothing else i can say can quite match that.

ginodacampoismydh · 03/11/2010 23:06

loops think ds and dds have different dads, was dds dad that hit ds. not ds dad, ie exp1 and exp2

AnyFawker · 03/11/2010 23:08

I thought Lougle's post was top-notch too

I have thought that before, I think, on other threads

LoopyLoops · 03/11/2010 23:08

Yes, I got that, but I got confused about 'his mother'. I now take it to mean ex-MIL, which is much less confusing!
:)

Lougle · 03/11/2010 23:17

"Blinks Yes XP2 used to hit DS1 and various other stuff. I really, really don't think there was any sexual abuse though. I never left him with him. He only gets supervised contact with DD1 and DD2 thankfully!"

I think 'XP2' is DD1's and DD2's father.

Tortoise was saying that DS1's father's (XP1's) mother would think Tortoise is lying, I think.

I hope you are OK, Tortoise. Such a lot to deal with, being on your own with 2 XPs that would be involved in this whole mess Sad

Do make sure you get some real life hugs, won't you?

Lougle · 03/11/2010 23:19

Oh, and thanks, bumpy, gino & anyfawker Blush - I just hope it helps Tortoise.

HerBeatitude · 03/11/2010 23:35
purplepidjin · 04/11/2010 01:11

Re talking to them. I have had 4 doses of Safeguarding training in the last year or so!

TED is the rule. Talk. Explain. Describe.

Encourage the person to feel safe talking about it.

Ask them to Explain how they feel.

Get them to Describe what happened in as much detail as possible.

Listen, don't put words in their mouth. It might help to write down exactly what was said afterwards just in case.

I'm not saying that anything untoward has happened. But that is how I would deal with it at work :) HTH

goingroundthebend4 · 04/11/2010 05:05

Tortoise

I'm guessing your worrying about what might happen if you call Ss it's only natrual to .But please do the consequences if you don't for all concerned are serious

If you decide not to talk to them ,think you can deal with or if Dd says anything to anyone else and it's reported then be far more questions asked to why you did not seek help

Some youngmen that have suffered physical/emtional abuse do go on to commit further abuse when there adults or get involved with drink/drugs because they can't deal with it ,then often comes to light when there arrasted for other crimes .so get ds1 the help now to prevent him becoming a statistic

And give dd1 and dd2 the help to go on to become confident young ladies who know it's ok to say NO to something that they don't like know you said dd had told her brother it's rude yet he continued think what message will teach her if proffesional help is not got.Many of us who posted about the abuse we have suffered on here that did not receive help as children have had to deal with the consequences later on in our lives .

And get some help for yourself please

FlamingMagnaFlow · 04/11/2010 06:15

Tortoise you have been so brave please call the SS this morning.

To be honest Lougle has said everything that can be said at the moment - stay strong

Bucharest · 04/11/2010 06:49

Yes, Tortoise, stay strong and listen to Lougle (and everyone else who is saying that you must see this through now, for your sake as well as your children's - all of them) x

AnyFawker · 04/11/2010 07:09

Sending you strength this morning, and I am thinking of you today x

BookcaseFullofBooks · 04/11/2010 08:08

Thinking of you too, Tortoise.

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 04/11/2010 08:17

sorry didnt look at this again till this morning. TBH yes the police might need to talk to all of you, its standard practice and doesnt mean anything is going to happen to him. You need to talk to SS, ytou need to get help for all your children and your not going to be able to do this on your own. SS have access to all sorts of proffessionals who have spent years talking to children and working with families. They are not there to remove your children, they are there tro protect them.
Your DS need to know this isnt behaviour you can sweep under the rug and your girls need to see you take action. Its very scarcy, and thats understandable.
Could one of your RL friends phone them for you? please ring them, i really cant stress that enough. x

duchesse · 04/11/2010 08:56

He's 13 and is beyond the "natural curiosity" age imo. It is not normal or right for this to happen. If her were 6/7/8 maybe, but not 13. Don't listen to anyone who says it is normal curiosity, and get professional help for him and for your daughters.