I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

why don't you want him to come home? is it just that you're sick of arguing?

you sound so so sad in all your posts, some wonderful advice has been given and I just wanted to add that I have been(and probably still am to some extent) depressed. Not diagnosed but looking back I'm 100% sure I was. I was and still am fairly paranoid that everyone and everything people say is against me, a dig at me, a snide comment intent to hurt me.

I remember many many ocassions when dh would list everything he'd done in the day. I'd then list what I'd done back, we'd end up aruging with me thinking he thinks i'm a lazy cow who does nothing. I still sometimes think this(like I say i'm not 100% 'me' again yet-but i'm getting there)

But I'm trying to get it into my head that actually he truely didn't knwo what else to say, that him listing jobs he done was his way of saying I'm trying to help.

Eventually a few months ago I broke down int ears and told him how i'd been feeling and that I think I was depressed. He then asked how he could help. All I wanted was a few simple things. From memory the only things were to help me work out what dinners we'd have for the week ahead and to think about getting the meat out for that day in the morning, to turn on the loaded dishwasher last thing at night(he always went to bed last and didn't turn it on, even though it was loaded!) There must've been a few more things but I can't remember now. His reply was 'is that it'I think he was expecting me to want the earth!! He also now makes me go out as he knows I need me time. It's not always a massive night out but like you said, to the hairdressers for 2 hours-it's not much to ask at all.

I'm not sure this post is helpful but I just want you to know that your dh does care, he wants to help but he doesn't know how. You need to talk to him.

I'm also sure your friends would hate to think of how you're feeling and think they wouldn't want to be around, I still haven't told alot of my friends because I don't know how. One friend I saw reguarly at my worst said a month or so ago that I was very very down and depressed and wasn't sure how she could help.

I wish I'd asked someone for help

I wish I'd talked to dh sooner

But when you're down you think no one wants to help or listen. but they do. honestly.

Take care of yourself and your precious baby, she needs her wonderful mum

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}

if he comes home we'll just argue, and I'll have the night shift shit rubbed in my face. I hate arguing infront of DD. It really freaks her out. I would rather he stay out and enjoy himself than spend the night arguing with me. Everytime we argue I feel like a shitter wife. So I want him to stay away and he'll think I'm a good wife for caring for DD 24/7. I'm aware that perhaps I'm not thinking in a 100% sane manner at the moment, but surely him staying away is better than a night of arguments? I know his presence tonight will irritate me. He'll be the fun, calm, happy parent whilst I sit on the sofa with my boobs out weeping. It rubs salt in my wounds. I already fear that as she gets older DD will prefer DH to me. Because he doesn't have depression. He's the fun parent. I'm the worrier. If I was a child I know who I'd rather be around.

So are you going to do anything about this littleamy? Or are you just going to stew and ignore the advice?

"I remember many many ocassions when dh would list everything he'd done in the day. I'd then list what I'd done back, we'd end up aruging with me thinking he thinks i'm a lazy cow who does nothing. "

Yes that's what happens with me and DH. But because there is no monetary value to being a SAHM I "don't do anything".

But honestly now - which scenario is better for your DD at the moment - your DH coming home to play with her and give you a break ( even if it makes you feel bad) or you on your own?

He isn't the fun parent. You are not the worrier.
He is a new dad and you are tired and depressed.
That is not the way things will be even in a few months.

But you need to take the steps to change it.

Wish I were closer to Tyne & Wear, I'd be round with the biscuits and support, sound like you could really do with some.

Take one step at a time, my love. What one positive step could you take today?
How about phoning your HV and just saying, "I need help"? I know you are eloquent but if you can't find the words when she comes round, just show her this thread, especially your OP.

That would be a GOOD FIRST STEP.

I am near tyne and wear and can offer biscuits but not sure how much help I can be!
Are you anywhere near the metro centre? Fancy meeting up?

Yes that's what happens with me and DH. But because there is no monetary value to being a SAHM I "don't do anything".

Has he actually said those words or is that what you're hearing him say. That is exactly what I heard dh say(although I work part time) but I have realised he didn't ever ever mean that and never once utter those words.

Depression is horrible. It twists your thoughts into thinking things that aren't true.

If you can, ask to speak to him tonight. Say you want to explain how you feel. Everything. Don't hold anything back if you can. Ask him not to say anything. You don't want answers from him or suggestions you need him to know what your mind is feeling.

Please try, you will feel better if you can

Hi LittleAmy, sounds like you?re having a tough time. Bloody good on you though for keeping the little one well and healthy and coming on hear to speak to a lot of sensible people.

Just to give a quick DH?s perspective on your last comments. I don?t think there?s many guys who?d spend a night away from their wife and baby if their wife was shattered and the little one was up squeaking through the night.

Yep, course he?ll complain about being knackered, I mean, let?s face it, most new parents spend half their first few months semi-functional and shouting at each other about who?s the most tired - but that doesn?t mean he doesn?t want to be there to support you both, even with all the hecticness that it entails. Sounds like he?s absolutely doing the right thing for you and the little one. Oh and so don't worry about arguing in front of the little one screwing her up at this age - if parents arguing in front of a baby screwed up kids then 95%+ of kids (including ours) would be screwed up... which they're not (well, not obviously!)

By the way, one both our two I recall three months being about the lowest/ hardest point - when you?ve been sleep deprived for long enough to drive you insane and things haven?t started to improve. It definitely got easier from month four or five onwards with both of ours.

Best of luck with it all

Amy, you are ill. Nothing about your responses or your analysis of what's happening indicates you will get any real help off a talkboard.

Too many voices, too many well-meaning people saying 'everyone goes through exactly this' (no, they don't), as well as people who offer good suggestions which you are not in a position to listen to at the moment.

If you feel you can do something, then you can show this thread to the HV when she comes tomorrow, or else write down some of your feelings and show it to her, if you feel you might not be able to tell her.

You need help, and your dd needs you to get it.

Feeling this bad about yourself is not good for you, or for her - and there is help available, but no one can force you to get it. You need to take the initiative to seek it out. I hope you do....

"Paribus - when will I be able to go out for say, 6 hours without worrying about breastmilk? In another 9 months time?"

LittleAmy, it depends, really. My DD didn't want solids (believe me, I tried!) until she was about 12 months, so I had to exclusively BF her with roughly 3 hours intervals. Yours might be totally different and might take it to solids like fish to water, ie you'll be breastfeeding less and less regularly.

pagwatch I wish I could get across my fear of HCP. Every one I have dealt with has either been uneducated on the subject or not understanding me. Most have acted in a way as to sabotage my efforts (mostly re: BFing). I've heard some really ill-advised things come from the mouths of HCPs. I can't trust HCPs. I'm tired of them. I've lost count of how many I've dealt with.

Going out and meeting friends is impossible when you are an exhausted wreck. I'm now going to take on all baby night shifts so will not have the energy to go to my baby groups anymore. I'm not sure if they were helpful anyway. I'm the only BFing mother and spend the sessions worrying if my baby will make me get my boobs out infront of all the FFing mums. If this happens each and every one of them gives me a 20minute presentation on why they couldn't breastfeed for a thousand reasons. I feel like I have to apologise for breastfeeding to everyone. How can this be of help to me?

I really appreciate the comfort of this thread. It is comforting because people have listened to me and I haven't had to worry about you guys forcing me to do anything.

I don't want you guys to think I'm unappreciative for picking fault in your suggestions. A lot of the suggestions are not feasible for me. The HCPs and baby groups being the main ones.

would you not even go to a LLL meting? Think there is one in Fenham on Wednesday. It will be crammed full of bf mums

forget that, it was this morning :(

God you couldn't get me in a baby groupfor love nor money

But there is an extent to which you are negating every single suggestion on here. You can see that can't you?

I breastfed but I didn't feel negative about it n the way that you do. There is an extent to which you may have to do the equation about which is better for your DD - to be Exclusively breast fed with an upset mother who won't take her out of the house. Or a child who is mixed fed whose mum takes her to the park or maybe to a cafe.

No one is going to try and bully you to do anything.

But you do need to ask yourself why you are finding very good reasons why every suggestion is a bad one and everyone one around you is messing with you or trying to upset you.

What do you think?

LittleAmy, your DH is not the problem here. You are unwell and need some medical help.

And don't be a martyr. If stopping breastfeeding would take some pressure off you, why don't you stop.

You sound like you are heading for a full breakdown, please get help.

My father suffered from depression. The worst thing was it took so long to get him to get help, then when he did and was stable again he'd take himself off the medication because he thought he was well and didn't need it. The cycle started again.

"No one is going to try and bully you to do anything."

Why do HCPs, family and other mothers keep mentioning formula? I find that it undermines me. It hurts me. I'm sick of it.

OK, apologies, I did that too, despite knowing exactly what it's like when formula is set up as the magic bullet.
I think it's because you seem to need some time off, either to sleep or relax without the responsibility of being the only person who can comfort or settle your DD. Despite that, formula isn't necessary.

Oh I thought this thread was a joke. I thought LittleAmy was the previous poster who had given us all a giggle. Maybe i was wrong.

perhaps because they are anxious about the effect that breastfeeding - the way you feel controlled by managing it and the way it inhibits your taking your DD out - is concerning them.

I breastfed all my DCs including feeding DD until she was nearly four. You could not be speaking to someone more pro breastfeeding. But when feeding means you won't go out and you worry about having to get your boobs out in front of FFing mothers and describe sitting at home with your boobs out, weeping perhaps they worry thatthe good effects are being out weighed by the negative?

oblomov??? You haven't already posted, have you?

"So I want him to stay away and he'll think I'm a good wife for caring for DD 24/7. "

But that's not working. And that's not what "being a good wife" is about.

tiktok was very right about "Too many voices". I hope there are enough of us voices that you have been calmed, to hear your fears and despairs echoed, but you do need real voices as well.

amy - could you try the GP? I had PND with DD and I took some anti-Ds that were compatible with bfing.

maybe i have confused the OP with another poster.