I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

Oblomov - oh FFS. Now I'm a joke.

mistaken identity I think

Your DH wants to come home because he loves you (and your baby) and is more than likely worried about you.

i really, really dont want him here. his presence will irritate me and make me resentful. i know it will.

oh littleamy - 'a 20 minute presentation about why they couldn't breastfeed' did make me laugh! i know EXACTLY what you mean by that and i've had to hear it many times. what you need is a social setting where there are lots of bfers. are there any latch on groups in your area? might be just the thing - a social event where you dont have to explain yourself all the time or constantly have the bf/ff debate :-)

LittleAmy, please can I suggest that you do one tiny little thing for yourself tonight?
When your DH comes home, don't look for a fight. Instead ask him to sit with the baby for 15mins while you take a walk around the block on your own - no baby, no phone. If the weather is yucky, put on a coat and still go out.

A little break, a gentle walk, fresh air, time to yourself should make that 15mins feel like a break.

And do the same tomorrow and the next day.

Fresh air and exercise has been shown to help all new mums, and is good for helping with PND too.

OK, I know you're depressed and tired and stressed out, but you can't shut your DH out of your and your DD's life just because he annoys you. Please let him help you. Instead of just getting annoyed by him, explain to him, very slowly and carefully, what you need from him, and what you need him not to do.

Please let him help his wife and be a father to his child.

You are EXHAUSTED. You are probably shocked by the relentless demands on your body, soul and brain a small baby makes, endlessly.

Who wouldn't feel like a drink?
Who wouldn't feel down?
Who wouldn't be irritable and want a fight with their DH?

You are completely normal ... and this will pass.

You will both adjust, you will sleep a bit more and you will learn to face the challenges of parenthood together.

In the meantime, stop expecting yourself to be perfect. Sleep when you can and do not feel guilty. Try and be kind to your husband when you can.

Honestly, it will slowly get slightly easier with time. Can you ask for some help from your family?

his version of helping me is always followed by reminding me of all the help he has ever given me.

What's the point in that? I'd rather do it all myself than have any help used against me.

I have been lurking on this thread as your OP had struck a chord with me (as it has with many others on here obviously).

Absurdely, I want to add to the 'too many voices' opinion by adding my own voice .

Clearly some aspects of what you are describing/experiencing, I and others recognise from our own experience of early first motherhood - it is very very hard and the 'culture shock' can be vast; particularly for women who find it hard to submit to a little helpless pocket dictator.

Also, having a child is IMO by far the most challenging thing to happen to a relationship and you and your DH are not the only ones to be arguing a lot.

Having said all that, you need help in RL. Now. I am sorry to hear that HCP have let you down so far, but you owe it to yourself and your DD and your relationship to keep trying. There is help out there. It is up to you to seek it out, keep asking for help and the accept it.

IMO the most important thing you can start doing is to lower your standards and expectations re motherhood and be kind to yourself.
May I also heartily second (or third?) the recommendation to read 'What Mothers do' - it will change your perspective entirely. I wish I had read it before I had DS1.

I am sure there was loads more I wanted to say, but my short, concise and brilliant post that was going to solve all your problems has become nothing of the sort...

Cut yourself some slack (and your DH) and find a sympathetic HCP (they are not all rubbish) .

Then he has to stop reminding you of all the help he's been giving you. Not stop helping. The first would be helpful. The second - not.

So find a little phrase you can say when he starts repeating the litany of help. Perhaps just say 'I do realise how helpful you are'. Then carry on with what you were doing.

If he keeps going, just repeat the phrase every few minutes.

Let it wash over you.

I know how you feel - tis the same in my house. Having read the previsou page now I do think you could maybe do with a bit of help from your GP or someone though - I remember all too well how F***g depressing it is to have the fat belly, enormous sore boobs, loads to do and a screaming baby you don't know what to do with but have to do something. 24-7 with no one who can help. It's the loneliest I have ever been and I had lots of friends.

What you really need is support from him - and I promise you he needs it from you even though it doesn't seem like it.
You also need to FORCE yourself to go to a baby group or something - it is essential to get out of the house. It kept me sane during the dark days that you are gong through.

It is because you are jsut so knackered and you feel so alone but if you really can't face the day and it's affecting your marriage, it would be worth having a chat with your GP. Depression is a chemical inbalance ni your brain - it's a physical disease on a micro scale. Honeslty, you'll feel better.

Do you have parnets or anyone who could give you an hour or so off? Just to have a bath? Blow dry your hair? Pluck your eyebrows?? All those 'luxuries' we took for grant ed...??

Do not fall into the trap of competitive parenting/tiredness with your DH - it just breeds bitterness and contempt.

He is likely to feel quite helpless and being a man will be prone to offering 'solutions' ("you find BFing hard, well, just stop and we give FF") rather than supporting you ("yes love, it's hard going at the moment, you are doing a wonderful job, here is a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit").

Oh, and one other thing: alcohol is a depressant, as long as you are drinking your mood is likely to dip further, even if alcohol is taking 'the edge off' temporarily while you are under the influence of it.

Oh gawd, I am really going now....

not sure what to suggest, other than if you got on well before you had your DD, you can get back to that!
What would help, now?

littleamy can you meet up with stealthpolarbear?

sorry stealth not meaning to force you into anything.

no that's fine :)

Amy sweetheart, You remind me of how I was when I started getting really ill with PND. I pushed everyone away and when people try to help me I had a thousand excuses for why I couldn't do what they were suggesting. I don't want to sound hard, I really want to help you. But do you really want to live like this? is this how you want your life to be? Please accept the help that is being offered to you. You don't deserve to be suffering like this, you owe it to yourself to get better

I know some HCP are complete idiots, I know because I've met them! But many are absolutely amazing, they will listen to you and help you. Please get the help you need

LittleAmy, I'm in Gateshead, is there anything I can do for you?

I'm happy to come over and help out - don't worry about the house, you want to see mine! I'll send you pics if you want to check out who wins in the 'must be decorated' stakes

LA, having a newborn is fucking hard in the best of circumstances, and from all that I've read in this thread, you are not in the best of circumstances.

I am no HCP, but to me you do sound like you have PND, that or are suffering very badly from sleep deprivation. I know you feel like there are no avenues of help open to you, and understandably don't feel you have the energy to pursue getting some, but there are and you can.

The one thing that shines out in all your posts is that you love your daughter very, very much. If you want to be the best mummy you can be for her, if her needs always come first, then you have to help yourself too. She has a need for a healthy mother that is as important as her need for milk.

Please just try googling the name of the area you live in with post natal depression support. I know that in the area I live in there is a PND support organisation that offer a creche and counselling etc. If not, then how about trying a breastfeeding mother and baby group? I know La Leche League have some see here. There's bound to be some groups about, perhaps phone the NCT and ask to be put in touch with a post-natal group? Most of the mothers in my NCT post-natal group were breastfeeding at 3 months just call your local branch. The NCT might be a good place to call for more support with PND too, they should know what services are available to you.

Your mum sounds like someone you don't need in your life right now, please just cut her out if she's adding to your burden. My mum was also a massive disappointment when DD was born, so for the sake of your health and by extension your DD's health, take a break from her if she's causing you more pain.

Your partner sounds like he's trying to help, but is being rather ham fisted about it. You sound like you are bickering exactly the same amount as DH and I after DD was born. It gets nasty when everyone feels so crappy all the time. I think it's a bad idea for you to try and do the night shift all alone, you sound like you're isolating yourself completely which is not a healthy thing to do and in fact a really dangerous sign.

I understand you feel like everything is shit (apart from DD), and everyone who is supposed to help you is crappy at it (sadly all too common), but you cannot keep doing this alone. If the people who you try to get help from aren't helpful, keep trying until you find someone else. There will be help out there for you, but you will have to make a few calls/emails to find it.

Also, try a different GP. Sometimes you have to cycle through them all until you find one that is actually helpful. And if none of them are helpful, change practices. You need proper support right now, not crappy HV and disinterested GPs.

Nearly 250 posts here. I think LittleAmy has enough information to work with and I suggest we let her get on with it.

Trouble is wannabe, when somebody is in the grips of depression they can be confused and paranoid and not really in a position to seek help themselves.

I am very worried about this OP, I think her responses to some of the comments on here suggest she may be suffering from paranoia, she is cutting off everybody and is trying to do the same with her DH. I really think she is beyond just taking herself off the the GP. She needs somebody to take control and take her to the doctor, somebody who can insist she is refered to the CMHT because they are the ones who are really in a position to help her.

I agree memoo, I just cannot stop thinking about the OP and am extremely worried for her.

Please keep posting Little Amy. xx

Hello,

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. However, i want to reassure you that you haven't ruined your life.

Having a baby is tough on everyone. You feel like you have to be the perfect Mum, perfect, wife, perfect this and perfect that. It just isn't like that. We aren't perfect.

You sound extremely depressed. I think you have a very severe case of Post Natal Depression. You must get yourself to your Doctor/GP as soon as you can.

The good thing about your situation is that you are aware of it. Being aware of how you feel and acknowledging the fact that something isn't right is a good step in the right direction.

Keep talking, there is alot of support here.

Good luck!

Ally