I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

pagwatch - I've considered suicide. But then where would my baby get her milk from? Suicide runs in my family.

You poor thing.

I know there are many more issues than any of us here can resolve.

Something that saved my sanity when my first was that age was going to a cafe with a load of books, nabbing a comfy chair in the corner and just feeding, drinking tea, reading and eating chocolate muffins.

I so miss those days now that I have a second baby and a toddler to entertain all day too. I felt it gave me me-time even though I had baby too, as she just used to feed or nap.

You need to see this as more than breastfeeding. No matter how down you are now, your baby needs you, her mum. Feeding is a big part of that now, in a few months, she'll need your cuddles and comfort just as much. In a few years she'll need you to show her how to make a rocket out of toilet rolls, and pick her up from her first day at school. She will need YOU.

"I used to poick fights with DH . I felt so shitty about being such a failure that I assumed he would leave anyway so I kind of pushed him before he could go IYSWIM."

Yes I know exactily what you mean. I do that. Did your DH always remind you of everything he did around the house, etc? I've given up asking for help.

Sorry, missed your last post : "food in the cupboard to keep me going for a few days. I've told him that I've locked the door and left the keys in."
StealthPolarBear is quite right: this is well beyond talking online.

You have hated all interventions up until now, but there are reasonable people/ professionals out there. You've met such a small sample of the people in this world, and it may seem as though the odds are really against you (none of them sound helpful), but don't use them to judge everyone. Consider that you have felt "at home" on this thread and have opened up. You wouldn't be talking to us if you really believed everyone was like your mother, GP, HV, DH, would you?

We'll remain here, but please reach out again, beyond us.

It sounds like you and your baby have bonded really well and she really loves you - and not just for the milk, she is emotionally connected to you and you are irreplaceable.

The thing is. I realised that there was more to my job as a parentthan feeding and cleaning and even nurturing. It is also my job to show my children what living looks like.
I could flaw myself and grit my teeth and do thethings they needed - but what I was doing was showing them how to live. And it was hit - sad, tired, miserable.
So i realised I had to get better and show my DD what a happy mother lived - how great the time ahead of her could be.

I couldn't make myself someone I was not and I have accpeted that I will often have times where I struggle. But I needed to get better or all the meal providing, napopy washing etc didn't matter . she would just be learning from me how to live life feeling sad and not fighting for it.

Bloody hard. But I made myself do the small steps - the chats withthe GP the talking to DH and asking him for help.
It was a dozen years ago now and I am very happy with beautiful children and I know part of me had to chose to move towards that and not let the sadness just be part of who I was.

Does that make sense?

good post pagwatch

"Did your DH always remind you of everything he did around the house, etc? I've given up asking for help."

at times he tried to help by doing me a list of jobs or a meal plan [bigger hmm]
But actually he was lost. he was sitting there looking at his wife fall apart and he had no earthly idea how to help. He was pretty terrified and his only instinct was to try and get order. Hopeless but I realise now he was just terrified

makes sense to me Pagwatch.

I used to get my dh to lecture me about how much my children needed me and the implications for them of growing up without a mother. It was horrible but contemplating that was worse than contemplating going to the GP so it helped give me the kick to actually do something.

I wander if DH is frustrated because he tries to help but it isn't good enough. Locking him out really isn't going to help you. Remember, he is your darling daughter's daddy.

There are 185 posts here, including yours, at the moment - a huge amount of support. They don't seem to have helped that much.

I really think you should listen to your GP and get some medicine to help you out of this negative cycle. There is no shame to needing medical help - if you'd broken your arm you'd want a plastercast wouldn't you?

You seem to think EVERYONE is against you. If you're suffering PND, that is a symptom.

If you want to cling onto the vodka, your false friend, you will only get worse. Please, for your daughter's sake, see your GP and take the pills.

Little Amy,

You are NOT a bad mum, you are ill, it?s the illness that is making you have bad thoughts and making it hard for you to cope.

I have a 13 month old. She is my 3rd baby and so I thought having her would be so easy.

I started to get ill when she was a few months old. I began to find each day harder and harder. I didn't drink but started taking painkillers just to numb the pain that I was in, and it is pain, like you have a great big gaping hole in your heart that hurts more than anything you've ever experienced.

I saw my GP who put me on anti depressants and arranged for a CPN to come and visit me.

I took the medication but continued to get worse.

I began getting paranoid and confused. I had periods where I didn't remember having my baby and couldn't understand where she had come from. At other times I was convinced there was something wrong with her, that she had been born with some evil spirit in her.

I wanted to run away too. I wished that I would get cancer and die. I once stood in the hall sobbing and begging my DH to kill me because I couldn't take it any longer.

I spent every single day wishing I hadn't had her, and feeling that I had ruined my life.

One day my CPN came out and I was just a wreck, I had got to the point where I was consumed with thoughts of killing myself. I even planned in my mind exactly how I would do it. He arranged for me to go into a psychiatric hospital.

I stayed there for a few weeks and was finally put on the right medication.

When I came home I needed a lot of support but slowly got better. Now DH is back at work and I'm managing, some days are better than others but I'm doing it.

I use to think that I was somehow flawed, that there was some fault inside me that meant I couldn?t be a good mum but now I can see that wasn?t true. I was ill, and you are too.

I'm telling you my story because I want you to see that you can come out the other side of this. I promise you that you can get better

But You must go back to your doctor, see a different one if you can. You can't carry on like this, you will only carry on getting worse.

Please keep posting

"I also suspect that is one of the reasons why your HV is suggesting you stop BFing."

HV doesnt know I have alcohol.

"Regular 'time-out' for you during the day every day when DH has responsibility for your DD"

I tried to do that recently. I had 2 hours to myself for the first time in 8 weeks and DH spent that time texting me about how DD was howling. So I spent my time away as a nervous wreck.

"I suspect you need to sit down and do some self-analysis about yourself and also about what you expected motherhood to be. Ask yourself WHY you expected motherhood to be like that and whether it was appropriate or even desirable to expect motherhood to be like that."

Yes you're right. I foolishly thought that motherhood would enrich my life not make it 100x worse. Why did I think it? Because everyone has kids. I really dont understand why they do it now??? I was foolish and fucking stupid. How the hell can I claim to be intelligent?

"Sorting out your relationship with your mum/upbriging - write things down; explain what you need, not what you don't need, from your mum and hopefully she can change"

I fear I can never sort out my relationship with my mum. She is childish and selfish. I would completely cut her out of my life except she helps us financially. It's another aspect of how I feel controlled by other people.

"Speak to your DH about how you are feeling - he needs to know and hopefully he will be more supportive"

I constantly speak to DH. I'm like a needy broken record. I'm exhausted at explaining myself to him.

Paribus - when will I be able to go out for say, 6 hours without worrying about breastmilk? In another 9 months time?

If it would help, you could do that now. After a couple of trial runs to get her used to a bottle, she would be fine with formula now. She might miss you a bit but she would be fine. You always have that option.

do you have a breastpump? you'd probably need to express if you left her as long as 6 hours now, but it's perfectly do-able.

I think dhs being a bit hopeless and scared the first time they're alone with a dc is fairly normal - he will grow in confidence as he does it more often.

"I wander if DH is frustrated because he tries to help but it isn't good enough."

Yes that's spot on. He does some of the night shifts (with EBM) while I pump my boobs then go back to sleep. But what is the point of "helping" then reminding me of everything he does? I'd rather he FUCK OFF than hold every little thing over my head. Sometimes I wonder if he only helps me so that he can remind me about it during arguments? It seems that every argument we have always ends up discussing how many night shifts he does with the baby. Like, totally irrelevant conversations will always end up discussing his night shifts?!! I've told him that I'll do all the night shifts from now on. Really, is there even a point in him being here? He may as well go to his friends and have a good time.

Why offer to help me then hold it against me later??

And why the hell is looking after HIS child seen as doing ME a favour??

You are right. Looking after his child is just looking after his child, and it isn't helpful in the slightest if he just does it for brownie points. You need to tell him that, do it as calmly as you can - I'd be tempted to iron it into one of his shirts but resist :o

have you tried co sleeping?
Obviously not if you have been drinking, but if not, it can really help to make the night feeds feel like less of a chore.

maybe he keeps on going on about what he does because he feels like you don't need or want him and it's his way of saying 'Look, I am useful, honest!'
but it's not helpful if it just makes you feel useless.

"maybe he keeps on going on about what he does because he feels like you don't need or want him and it's his way of saying 'Look, I am useful, honest!"

Exactly !!
That is what DH did too. It was him trying to remind me that he was trying! Of course I had no grasp at all atthe time about how I was totally disinterested in him in any way whatsoever other than to weep to. He felt like a member of a weird audience in his own home while I freaked out in front of him.

Today is the first time I truly 100% do not want DH to come home. I'm not testing to see if he loves me and will come home anyway. I really don't want him to come home. I've texted him saying this. I've told him to go to his friends there and have a good time playing xbox and sleep over. Mum gave us £100 for food but I've even said he can spend it all on himself if he stays away. But he says hes coming home anyway?? Some days I think he deliberatly tries to antagonise me. I've given him the opportunity of a great night: £100 on booze, food, xbox, no screaming baby, no weeping wife, a good nights sleep.

WTF I just can't win.

Is anyone elses husband like this?? He complains that he's exhausted then I say "go to your friends, sleep over, etc" and he says NO.

What the fuck in hell.

Why is everyone trying to mindfuck me? :(

I genuinely think he is trying to do the right thing. He would be a rat if he said nice one and stayed out.
Why do you not want him to come home?

He isn't trying to mindfuck you. He is coming home because you shouldn't be alone.

LittleAmy, do you think your dh could really sleep a wink in someone else's house, worrying about whether you and your dd are ok?
Seriously, if you had a wife in this state of mind would you leave her on her own for a night with the baby and the vodka?
It is scary for a dh to have a depressed wife. I know this is not nice for you to hear, and I'm sorry, and I have no idea about your relationship and who is right and who is wrong and all that, but I do know that he will be worrying about you and he needs to be with you to know you are ok.
I don't think he is trying to fuck with your mind, honestly.

I should think your DH is worried sick about you. He wants to come home and help you. If I were him I'd break the door down if I found it looked in order to be with my partner and child, and to try to make this terrible situation right.

Please let him read this thread to understand what is going on in your head. He's probably desperately confused and has no idea what to do.

And please keep speaking to GPs and HVs until you find one who will really help you. But equally, listen to their advice. You seem to be so convinced that everyone is against you, you're rejecting any advance of help.

You need help. You need to stop locking yourself away. Hand your baby to your DH and go to bed. Ask him not to repeat back anything useful that he might have done because you are aware and appreciative. Get some sleep, trust your DH - you must have married him because he's a good, decent and sensible man, right? So trust him to be one.