I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

LittleAmy - I'm not a healthcare professional, but you do sound as though you have PND. It's quite recognisable if you have any experience of it and it can be treated.

Your GP and HV have not helped you so far, and that's not your fault, at all.

Please try and get some more support - this is a great helpline 0207 386 0868 - they are open every day until 2pm and the helpline is staffed by people who have had PND or are specialists. If the baby is napping or if you get a chance, please try and phone them. I think you do need some help out from where you are at the moment. I know that you're doing the best you can for your little one - it's really obvious how much you care for her.

But do the other stuff too- I wish I had rung Parentline. I was to ashamed at the time.

P.S. Was Dead.Poncy, upthread.

Littleamy

if your DDs needs are more importantthan yours do you not see that the thing she needs most of all is a happy functioning parent.

I was right where you are - right there except I was suicidal too.
The gift you can give her is to act upon the advice you would give HER in your situation.
getting help is not weak nor selfish. It is about her as much as you.
Go and see your GP. Be very specific about how you feel. Tell your DH too. I used to poick fights with DH . I felt so shitty about being such a failure that I assumed he would leave anyway so I kind of pushed him before he could go IYSWIM. Actually he stuck around and he helped me - got me to book some counselling which helped hugely.

And invite friends over or go meet them somewhere neutral. There is nothing worse than staying in all day.

I would tell you to stop drinking but you don't actually need to be told that. It makes you feel better in the moment but it makes you feel worse later on. It is a depressant - not exactly what you need.

Try to remember that nobody else is perfect at being a Mum however convincing they seem! I tried too hard to be the best Mum when my DS was tiny and it left me with exhaustion and in a complete state! I used to try to recreate my own perception of what being a great Mum is...lovely house, home cooked food, slim and attractive etc....it wasn't until I got very ill and had to reconsider how I do things that I realised what really matters...friends. I went to every baby session going- it got me out of the house so I didn't need to bother with house work when I wasn't there...people can be so lovely and I now have many friends who not only can I really rely on, but an insight into real Mum's lives and how they have to struggle at times too...we are all in it together. Please go and see another GP and try as hard as you can to be nice to yourself...you deserve it!

how long have been drinking like this?

it concerns me that you're depending on alcohol and in denial about the effect it might have... you need to confront the alcohol issue asap and find pleasure in other things.

often people with depression self medicate with alcohol. it does numb the pain but it creates a whole other enormous problem that can ruin lives.

you need to work on finding ways of coping- mumsnet is great for venting and gettin honest opinion, look into homestart, speak honestly with your partner, avoid your mother who sounds like a right twat, see another GP about organising some counselling for pnd.

i didn't have pnd buth the first few months of my first child's birth were ridiiiculously stressful and difficult. it put an enormous strain on my relationship with DH and brought lots of issues with my own parents to light... it can be utterly isolating without a support network.

you will eventually look back on it all in a hazy way and think 'what the fuck was that all about'.

Hi there LittleAmy

I remember you from your "NCT/SAHM" a few months ago. I'm sorry things haven't turned out as you imagined they would.

You are a clever woman and have a good brain. Use your brain to get yourself out of this - treat it like a problem that requires your intelligence to solve.

Obviously the first thing is to not drink. Anything. It isn't your only pleasure in life - and it definitely isn't a pleasure for your child. If you are BFing and drinking the amount you say you are then your child will be getting alchohol in her milk. Not good - but you know that. I also suspect that is one of the reasons why your HV is suggesting you stop BFing. Stopping drinking will also give you the 'head-space' to think more clearly about the problem.

Then think about the little steps that will make you feel better. High on your list should be:

• More sleep for you - sleep when your baby naps during the day and co-sleep if you can as most babies sleep for longer stretches at night if their mum is nearby
• Regular 'time-out' for you during the day every day when DH has responsibility for your DD (we did an hour every morning when I could hand DS over to my DH) It will help your DH get used to being responsible for your DD and also will give you a break from the emotional intensity of being primary carer for your DD
• Fresh air - opening all the doors/windows at a minimum every day and going out for a walk with DD is best
• Getting some contact with other mums/parents - surestart is a good place if you don't want to be around your NCT mums.
• Getting control of your home again - start with a room at a time and gradually get on top of it
• Sort out your relationship with yourself - I liked you when you did your NCT/SAHM post as I could see past the slightly sillier things you wrote which inflamed many other people, and thought I could see the essence of the question you were asking. One thing I remember from back then is that you seemed to enjoy the discussion and the debate rather than wanting to come to a solution itself. Alcohol will exacerbate this trait. I suspect you need to sit down and do some self-analysis about yourself and also about what you expected motherhood to be. Ask yourself WHY you expected motherhood to be like that and whether it was appropriate or even desirable to expect motherhood to be like that.
• Sorting out your relationship with your DH. It was commented on the NCT/SAHM thread you started before that your relationship with your DH was a bit disfunctional but you didn't like that comment back then. Come up with an action plan for making things better - maybe this will involve relationship counselling, maybe you just need neutral time together - at the park or something where you're on neutral ground and can break some of the habits
• Sorting out your relationship with your mum/upbriging - write things down; explain what you need, not what you don't need, from your mum and hopefully she can change

I hope that is helpful.

I once had an appointment to start therapy but I could never attend because I'm exclusively breastfeeding and they wouldn't let me take the baby along so I had to cancel. I'm off the waiting list now.

LittleAmy - so sorry you feel like this. It does sound like PND as I had a lot of the same feelings as you. Unfortunately I was not diagnosed until my DD was 14 months old by which time things were pretty grim. My advice for what its worth;

Ask to see a different GP. The one you saw sounds crap! I saw a brilliant female GP who really helped when I was at my lowest ebb

Find out about different antidepressants - different ones have different side effects and they do sometimes take a few weeks to start working.

Speak to your DH about how you are feeling - he needs to know and hopefully he will be more supportive

Give your mum a wide berth if you can as her attitude is NOT helping

Get out of the house! Even if it feels like the last thing you want to do it really helps just getting fresh air and speaking to people

Try to cut down on the drinking at least

Best of luck - I really hope things get better soon x

LittleAmy Mon 01-Nov-10 12:26:50
i cant believe this is my life for the foreseeable future sitting on a sofa weeping with my breasts out all day and night.

You poor thing. Gosh, I know it's hard. So hard that you want to run away, hide somewhere in the corner and weep your heart out. I really do know, because I've been through this. And I promise you, it will get better. Really, honestly, it will get better.

My daughter had a reflux and was crying 24/7 for the first three- four months. Hated the stroller, so was starting to scream the moment I was out of the door with her, planning to have a nice civilised walk to the coffee shop with my beautiful pram. I had to use sling and carrier until she was 13 months- and she was 12 kilos at that point. Had to rock her until she was 15 months. And honestly, I was feeling like a wreck most of the time- took a year for the fog to lift.

But listen to me, she is 20 months now and is a delight. I remember I was listening to the people telling me that it will be better, and thinking to myself that it never would. But it did!!! Once they start walking and communicating, it's so much easier. So, so, so much. The difference is AMAZING! And no, you won't spend your life on the sofa with your boobs out- my DD was exclusively BF until she was 12 months, and I still BF until now- but it's only once a day for 10 minutes.

Hang on in there- it WILL get better. Try to get out every day- that really helps. Try sleeping or resting when your child is sleeping. And try and find baby groups near you- I didn't, 'cause was too tired and stressed, but now I think that it would have been the best thing for me, as would make me get out of the house no matter what. And remember, so many people went through what you are going through now. Hugs.

"When you look at your DD how do you feel?"

Guilty. I see the innocence and concern in her eyes. She's only 3 months old and already she's concerned about me. She tries to smile at me to cheer me up and when that doesn't work she cries. She's only 3 months old!

ohh that's lovely. Tiny babies are programmede to smile and cry :)
Other than all this, is feeding going well? Does she cry a lot? Does she sleep?

Amy on the therapy front give yourself a break (I sympathise on the "no babysitter" front). Say to yourself you will have therapy just as soon as it is practically possible and in the meantime get yourself to a GP and tell it like it is with every single detail and don't miss anything out, that way you will get any help you need and deserve.
In the meantime I have found being determined to be proud of my baby helpful even if the baby seems to spend a lot and a lot of time crying and it feels stressful. Resolve to take photos of those small moments when your baby is smiling and have the photos printed and hang them up somewhere you can look at them and say "i did that" (because you did) - take lots of photos of the good moments if you can. If you can be pragmatic instead of perfectionist about things you need to be that will also help (eg consider giving up breastfeeding so you can agree with your husband that he takes baby out in the pram for at least an hour when he is home with a bottle of formula so you can have a soak in the bath - tell your husband you need this and it is only for the next couple of months and he might be relieved that he then knows of a practical way he can help you) This is just a suggestion so if it is not right for your circumstances totally understood

plupervert - everyone around me criticises me: HV, mum, DH, GP. I've got to the point where I cope better being alone. Hence why I've told my DH not to bother coming home today. I've told him theres enough food in the cupboard to keep me going for a few days. I've told him that I've locked the door and left the keys in.

People tell me what to do and undermine me all the time and it brings me down. People like mum who is supposed to love me. And DH is constantly reminding me of everything he does as if I do nothing. Other human beings are making me less able to cope.

I'm in Tyne and Wear.

Amy please please get some help. You are a good mum but you are ill and you need help and support to get better, and it has gone beyond "eat well and have a walk with the pushchair". You need some attention now. Please please call someone or go to the doctors now. Your daughter needs you well and you deserve to be well.
Where abouts in the country are you.

where?? PM me if you'd prefer

noeyedear - I don't know a single BFing mother. And I attend 2 baby groups at a childrens centre! No one BFs here. I'm like a freak.

When I feel like this I just want to stay away from all other people because they all bring medown in some way. HCPs undermine my breatsfeeding, mum undermines me full stop. DH reminds me of all the things he does and says I do nothing. The formula mums at the baby group cant understand why I dont know how much milk my baby is getting.

With regard to babysitting, there is a way to get some time, and that is to swap for it. It is probably easiest when they are quite small, and haven't got the "clingy" issues yet. Are there any mothers at the M&B group you go to who would welcome a chance to have a shop unencumbered by baby? You could simply sit in a cafe with her little one (especially if it is FF), and yours, feed yours if you need to; you can do that, and the sense of achievement could really help you. The next advantage would be your "turn"- the chance for you to have your hair done/browse the library unencumbered. You will receive two benefits in one (three if you count getting closer to someone you know casually). If you are worried about money, you can do the "sitting" in the library children's section (no need to be inhibited about noise there).

The whole thing should be for a maximum of 1 hour, in order not to stress either of you. However, it could be a good step.

Got to go, as work to do. Yes, work, and at home: your mind and your ability to earn can come back!

Best wishes.

I spend all day looking at the clock. And then I stop and think "Why am I looking at the clock? What exactily am I waiting to happen??"

Amy I can only speak from personal experience not expertise but your desire for complete isolation and lack of contact when looking after your baby says to me you are very depressed and deserve help. persist in seeking a sympathetic gp and tell them how it is as honestly as possible. do it for your gorgeous baby girl who smiles at you because you are the most important person in her world and she needs you (in a good way)

LittleAmy
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to start making positive and proactive decisions to pull yourself out of this. Isolating yourself and offering up reasons as to why nothing will help is counter productive.

are you anywhere near fenham or washington

Both have La Leche League meetings where you'll meet loads of bf mums. They will be supportive. I go to the washington one and it's lovely.

here