I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

LA - what do you think will make your life easier and what do you want? Not necessarily the same thing.

plupervert - DD gets most feeds direct from the breast. She gets 4 night feeds per week using expressed milk. And that's it.

I don't know why the HV was so obsessed with the chart. She kept pointing to it all the time. She wouldn't listen to me or anything I was saying about virgin guts, DDs general wellbeing, etc.

phipps - I want to EBF. I thought I was doing well in that regard :( Now HV is making out that I am damaging DDs development :( (She actually said that).

now ring GP and make an appointment as it doesn't sound like HV is going to help. Get back on the list for counselling, get a different sort of anti-depressant if the ones you have aren't helping or you don't want to take them because of side-effects.

and you know what,
'It doesn't matter that DD is bright and alert.

It doesn't matter that DD is having wet and dirty nappies.

It doesn't matter that DD laughs every day.

It doesn't that DD has never ever lost weight.'

You're right, it is daft to disregard these things. And you sound there like someone that actually knows, deep down, that you are doing a good job as a mother.

When I was BF my children the charts weren't a great help as they are designed for formula fed babies. You need to access a chart based on breast fed babies and see where she is on them, without becoming obsessed with charts.

HV are not Gods. They don't know everything and make mistakes. You need to ask her to qualify her statements and tell her not to say things she can't back up.

You also need to see a GP tomorrow.

please don't let this set you back, you seemed so set up for getting help today and that hasn't gone well. Tomorrow it might, you need to keep fighting.

Sorry it doesn't seem enough to make a huge difference.

I ought to point out that if you believe FF/toppping up will help
(a) with weight gain
(b) with taxing your physical resources less
(c) with getting HVs Off Your Back (sometimes as mothers, we just have to compromise!)

... it is really not the end of the world. It is really not "the only thing you are doing right". It is really not poison or junk food.

I definitely preferred bf because of health benefits, lack of sterilising, lack of preparation needed, generally being more easy (I had better things to do).

However, I myself was ff, and I not only have an excellent immune system (possibly a result of a year in a developing country, toughening my immune system, so nothing to do with breastmilk!), but I have 2 degrees, one from Oxbridge (so am not exactly stupid). Although I said upthread that I was emphatically not a perfectionist, I hope the above means you can identify with me and me telling you that your DD needs you more than your milk.

How do you feel about compromise in general?

littleamy - you are an academic so i know you can do this. next time dd is asleep do some really in depth research on the net about ebf babies and weight gain/growth etc. knowledge is power. you are an intelligent adult and perhpas this will make you feel empowered.

meanwhile i really think a latch on group would be good for you. i think you would enjoy meeting other passionate breastfeeding mums in a place where you dont have to pretend bf isnt all that so you dont offend ff. seriously i really think it would help because i think someone telling you that you are doing a great job and acknowledges that bf is hard work would do wonders for you in the short term :-)

LittleAmy, if you don't feel up to calling your GP today, would you consider calling Mind?

They've got local branches up here (Washington & Gateshead) who offer counselling services, but they also have a helpline 0845 766 0163, which is open until 5 every day.

It's totally confidential and, from my experience, they are wonderfully supportive people who have vast experience in dealing with all kinds of problems, including PND.

They might just be able to offer you some advice about how to get some solid real life support, it's worth a try maybe?

LA did the HV say anything nice? My HV wasn't helpful when it came to BF! The HV charts are often wrong as phipps said they are for formula fed babies. I'm surprised it's not changed in 6 years! Have you gone out for a walk today? If not put it top of your list tomorrow come rain or shine.

She wants to ebf

The early days are horrendous, but honestly your child will become enjoyable very soon, and then toddling and talking then it really is fun and you will be SO proud!

Please be nice to yourself, and stop drinking vodka.

Agree with the other who have said get yourself to doctor, anti-depressants helped me, I thought our relationship was doomed, but with lots of talking and a lot of work we're mostly happy now.

Thinking of you, been there, and I know there's light at the end of the tunnel for you too.

The charts were based on babies whose method of feeding was not distinguished. IN my area (not too far away) they have changed, I had DD in 2009 and have a breastfed chart.

plupervert- i agree. i think ebf is great but not at the expense of the mother's mental health. however i do think the OP could do with some other help/support before a decision is made about feeding. also it does seem like the one thing that the op feels in control of and i wouldnt abandon that at present as i think she is a bit fragile.

littleamy - i have an amazing 1 year old dd who is charming and healthy and very chatty and can win over anyone - i get compliments all the time about her. BUT this is at 12 mnths. At 3 or 4 months or probably both i was breaking down in front of dh because i thought i'd never ENJOY motherhood because i was so emotional/anxious/sad all the time. i drove myself mad thinking out all sorts of terrible accidents that had about zero chance of happening but thats all i could think about. i felt very mentally unstable. here is an example; our flat is based around a long corridor down the middle. in winter i put the washing rack by the radiator in it. i sued to lie awake at night almost shaking with fear thinking that i would trip over the bloody washing rack, whilst holding dd, and that she would be impaled on the plastic uprights or at best lose an eye!!! i felt like i had no way of quashing all this anxiety back then and that ergo, i would never enjoy dd. thank effing god, the post birth anxiety seems to have a half life and started tailing off after 3 or 4 months, had massively reduced by 9 months and well i feel quite normal now :-)

When you say she's dropped a centile, from what to what? Was she following a perfect curve before?

Plus... what chart was she using? See here

Dropping a centile isn't a problem if she's still gaining weight - your dd sounds happy and healthy. My ds is 3 months and breastfed, born on the 75th centile and at his last weigh in was down to just above the 25th. But he's fine.

"LA did the HV say anything nice?"

She said I had lost weight and was looking fab. That's about it. But I don't really care as much about MY weight.

"The HV charts are often wrong as phipps said they are for formula fed babies. I'm surprised it's not changed in 6 years"

In the book (my book is yellow. everywhere else in the country it seems to be red) it says that the chart is based on breastfed babies.

LA, what support did the HV offer you in respect of your own feelings and emotions? You obviously didn't find her BFing comments useful (I second what everyone has said about the chart being really unhelpful for BF babies), but not mentioned if she tested you for PND or made any suggests about helping you get through this time.

sungirltan you are right that ebf feels like the only thing I have control of. It's the only tangible decent thing I'm doing for my DD. And now HV is saying I'm fucking that up!

It sounds like the HV may be wrong on that, as you say, steady weight gain, weeing and pooing, alert and happy. Failure to realise she should be following an arbitrary line :o

I'm worried because HV threatened to get child services involved :(

Why on earth did I contact her

Remember your baby hasn't read the book .

If you get yourself to the doctor, have the check done which diagnoses PND and take the medication, then there will be no reason to get the child services involved.

You have to be willing to help yourself too.

Phipps - I'm going to start taking the antidepressants on Saturday.

I don't know what to do about DD's drop on the charts :( The HV was really trying to push formula.

I think you need to ask why she is recommending formula.
So sorry this has gone so badly