I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

Thanks for the kind words.

Sometimes I wonder if getting a job would be my way out. But I've never, ever been in paid employment so I can't say for sure. Also due to having no employment history (being a degree junkie) how will I get decent employment? How will I pay childcare? (I really don't want to give DD to mum. You've heard how evil she can be).

When I look at these questions, I can't see any solutions :( I see myself being tied to the sofa weeping all day for years to come.

I'll put these questions to the HV but I can't see her being any help (she's not a careers advisor). I'm tempted to dictaphone her to show DH.

LittleAmy - if you have a headache you took a paracetomol, if you have a sort throat you would take a lozenge. Depression is a chemical inbalance in your brain which the anti depressant still resolve.

Please be honest with the HV. You say your baby is the most important person to you. Well you are to her and you need to be well for her as well as yourself.

Whitethorn - LittleAmy has the HV coming at 3, so she is exploring RL help options as well as chatting on the thread.
I agree online help is not enough by any means but I don't think by chatting right now that we are distracting her from seeking it.
I get your point but I think it is OK to not pull back right now IYSWIM.

OP - I hope you get the help you need. Were you not paid when you were a nursery nurse and primary school teacher?

Hi LittleAmy I have recently been refered for a emergency physc evaluation. I posted on the other thread and then saw this one. I have self harmed and got to the point where I have attempted to commit suicide. I pushed all my family and friends away to, however now they know there is something wrong with me and how to help they are very supportive.

No one has mentioned removing my children sweetheart although that was a big fear for me. Since diagnosis most people have been trying their best to help now that they understand. I have read your posts and may I suggest going to A and E with your baby and getting a hospital admittance (I am pretty sure this is possible I know I am able to do this at any time). This way the staff will take away all the cleaning and other stresses and you can concentrate on getting better and looking after your daughter. At hospital they will understand how you are feeling and try to give you the space and support you need.

If you do go make sure you tell them how you are feeling and all that your doctor has said. Getting treatment is the first and hardest step but once you take it things will look better and there will be people to support you HTH if not may I just offer my support to you and a ear for listening.

arabicabean - I did a tiny amount of paid employment as a nursery nurse 10 years ago, but I've pretty much went from course to course since then.

LittleAmy, just wanted to say that I have been following your thread. I hope the HV can give you some support this afternoon and she helps you to look forward and finding your way into a happier future.

I live in Northumberland, but work on the Quayside in Newcastle. I would happily meet you for a cuppa, if you would like some RL support.

When my DS was 3 months old, my whole world looked very bleak. I remember it well.

Have a hug (((())))

If you would like to meet for a cuppa, drop me a PM.

x

Hello lovely,

On one hand, it's important if you do take things day by day. On the other, let's think a little about what life would be like in a few months time.

Your baby will stop screaming all the time. She's behaving like a 12 week old at the moment (v hard work) and soon she'll start behaving like a six month old, and then like a one-year old. Much easier, much more fun. She will also be able to play with toys independently for short periods (with you watching, making enthusiastic noises and drinking a cuppa) and she can go to nursery or to a childminder, giving you a break.

And yes, you will be able to get a job. It's easy when you're depressed to say "oh, that'll never work" and dismiss it - but as a degree junkie you'll have stretched yourself lots and this will be stretching yourself too, but in a different way.

You know how when you've got your finals coming up, and you can't see past the end of them, but life moves on and soon you're somewhere else? It's like that.

FGM - Thank you for posting. I have a little experience with mental health hospitals. When I was 12 my mum tried to commit suicide (almost succeeded!) and I was sent to live with aunt for a few months. It was horrible. I've never forgiven my mum for that. I'd never admit myself to hospital because of the negative associations.

I understand perfectly I have similar associations and I also found it hard to admit myself to one (I admitted to a general hospital not a mental health one). I now see you are going to speak to your HV that is really good I am glad you are getting help hopefully she will be helpful and supportive .

Longtalljosie - are free nursery places available to mums whose husbands earn over a certain amount? I worry about these sorts of things.

Also would an employer take a degree junkie seriously? Someone with zero previous employers?

And ouch, don't mention finals! :P Never again.

some employers do, some don't, so you start off working for the ones that do. It is a bugger being overqualified but it is not insurmountable as there are plenty of people out there who actually do value degrees (more than they should, in some cases....)

Why have you done so many courses and not got a job before?

Good luck Amy, don't hold back or gloss over anything!

LA, good luck with the HV.

If you don't know what to tell her, show her this thread.
You have been very eloquent about your problems on here.

Also, your DD will not grow up 'seeing you like this' because you are going to get better.

So, go out there and get the help you need.

you said you were a primary teacher. and wrote for magazines.

LA, don't worry about answering above, I'm signing off - got sucked back in for a moment but agree with Whitethorn, there's enough info/help here if you want it.

Oh yeah you did say that, so why don't have you have any employers?

Good luck with HV Amy, let us know how it goes.

(This is just a guess but if LA trained as a teacher and a nursery nurse (2 degrees) she would have done placements as part of the training, without ever having had a paid employer.)

HV arrived early. She's just left. It was horrible.

She weighed DD. DD has only put on 4oz in 3 weeks. She has dropped a centile on her chart. HV says shes worried about my mental health and is tempted to get child services involved. she also pushed formula really hard. She said that my obsession with EBF is harming DDs development. She said top ups would be best for DD.

She also said that the state of my mental health will be effecting DD ("The brain activity up to 4 months is astonishing", etc, etc).

She is coming back in 2 weeks. She said she is going to come back more regularly from now on.

I really wish I had not contacted her :( It's just ANOTHER person saying what a shit job I'm doing :(

It doesn't matter that DD is bright and alert.

It doesn't matter that DD is having wet and dirty nappies.

It doesn't matter that DD laughs every day.

It doesn't that DD has never ever lost weight.

All these things don't matter. What matters is the chart and nothing else.

Oh shit :(
What did she say about helping and supporting you?

hold on. I really think HV may have got the weight wrong.

How many lbs is in 4.92kg?

With regard to breastfeeding, it is worth keeping in mind the following:

1. EBF may not be the best thing for you and your DD. It's worth remembering that expressing is not the most efficient means of getting milk out! I never managed anything like my full capacity unless DS was embracing my bosom and guzzling away. That could also sort out the "slower weight gain" issue. A previous poster mentioned feeding while lying down, and that could help you manage night feeds again.

2. Don't worry about the chart so much. The La Leche League and similar bodies can tell you that such charts are oriented on FF babies, and bf babies may follow differently-shaped curves. If you want to arm yourself with such information before your next visit, there's now an extra reason to get together with these bf ladies!

10 lbs 13.6 oz

Nevermind. She has written it down wrong, but this doesn't effect the chart. She wrote that 4.92kgs is 10.12lbs. But the chart is plotted in kgs anyway.

Now what? :(