I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

LittleAmy they will want to support you, not take your DD away at the drop of a hat.
I have had social services involved since I was a kid - as my mum was in trouble. They did everything to help her and us. It wasn't until things massively escalated that things changed. You're not there.

By asking for help now, you'll doing the right thing.

LittleAmy, I totally understand the fear, I felt exactly the same way but there was nothing to worry about. All I received was support and care, no one questioned my ability to parent, they didn't need to, that was why I was feeling so deep in the mire to start with.

I think it's absolutely clear from everything you've said that you totally adore your DD, that the problem here is how you feel about yourself, not any risk of harm to your DD. I'm sure that will shine through to your HV.

SPB - that's a good idea. What does a HV do when a mum selfharms?

Also I'm interested in befriending services so I'll ask about them.

Last night was bad. I was in a bad state. I kept hitting myself in the head and biting my arms. I kept telling DH to fuck off to his friends and enjoy himself but he wouldn't.

I've still got the (unopened) box of antidepressants that the doc gave me weeks ago. I might start taking them on Saturday (because DH will be there to care for DD incase they make me sick).

Right, I will start that now - can I link them to this thread or mention it's a thread about a thread?
See what they say about the antidepressents - you'd hope they can prescribe something that won't mkae you sick!

Amy, please tell the HV the extent of your concerns. The baby will not be removed from you.

It is important the HV knows everything, including the self harm (she may ask about it - if she does, tell her the truth), so she can refer you and your baby for the right sort of help.

will your DH be there with you?

Amy, nobody will think you are a danger to your baby. I was really ill and suicidal but nobody ever suggested that I might harm my DD, not even after I had been in the psychiatric hospital.

I meant to say as well that I tried quite a few different medications before they found one that worked for me. The ones I am on now don't make me feel sick or put weight on

I have not commented but wanted to echo the messages saying how brave you are in seeking help.

One thing, self harming is a coping mechanism (Ok not always the best one ) but it is a means of coping with distress. The HV should know/understand this and see it as you needing help with coping techniques not anything at all to do with your baby being harmed.

I ahve started a thread here.

DH is at work.

Thanks SPB.

Well done for getting the HV to come out to see you. FWIW if I was in your position I would tell the HV everything and take things from there. I think you are being incredibly brave.
Good luck

Amy, one tip I was given is to put an elastic band around your wrist. When you feel the urge to self harm snap the elastic band really hard, it hurts like hell but its safer than other ways of inflicting harm on yourself. Its also surpose to build up a negative association in your brain with regards to harming yourself because at the moment it feels like a positive thing to do. Hope that makes sense?

LA I'm just off to have coffee with my close friend who had PND. Her boys are 6 & 4 now and doing very well. She has my DS for sleepovers at times. So there is light. [good luck] I better go now she'll be cross if I'm late!

opS! There is no Good Luck emotion

Glad today seems a more positive day. I hope the HV visit is helpful.

Does Simply walk run in your area? Might be another question worth asking the HV as it would get you out into the fresh air and meeting more people.

You know some of the best friends I have now are the ones I cried with and sat with whilst they cried after having children.

I think all new mums have doubts, fears, sleep deprivation, anxiety. It is just that not everyone is happy to let others see that they are not in the glorious happy bubble that we pretend comes with a new born.

bloodychocoholic - I'm scared to reveal my true, damaged self to the mothers at the baby group. Instead I try to come across as confident, layed back and funny. I think it's working so far, as I seem to be liked by everyone there. Just a shame I can't take the 'friendships' to a deeper level. No one likes a depressive moany drain.

I thought I would enjoy motherhood and that it would complete me. I thought it was my vocation. I thought that money doesn't matter that much. I thought I would enjoy it.

I was wrong on all fronts. And now there is no way I can escape this. I'm trapped. I'm utterly miserable. I have no independence. I leach off others. I hate this. The future looks bleak. :(

DD is going to grow up seeing me this way.

The reason you might not be able to "take the friendships to a deeper level" is perhaps because you pretend to be some confident and laid back.
Most of them are probably feeling similar to how you really are and probably go home wishing they could be more like the confident front you put across.

I've cried in the most ridiculous places and never had anyone run away and leave me to it. Most people are pretty kind to new mums.

Have a go at being the real you next time you meet some mums and see if they are supportive. You have nothing to lose by showing you are a fragile new mum.

Also, can you convince your DH to put some money in your account every month so you have some independance?
My DH was against this idea to start with but it made me fel rubbish having to ask for every penny and it works so much better now I just get a sum at the start of the month for bits.

When I had my first DS I lived in one room in a shared house of dossers with a useless junkie partner who was violent towards me. I felt utterly trapped as you describe and miserable and at such a loss of what to do to take things forward. I had no family support and blocked out all my old friends. I was not interested in meeting any other mums as they were all a good ten years older than me and felt they all looked down on me. What I'm trying to say is that I can understand how you feel just a little bit. Tiny steps in the right direction will build and build and before you know it you will be looking back feeling so proud of yourself for overcoming this not only for yourself but your gorgeous family too. You can do it. You must do it! You are not on your own. You are very intelligent and brave and that will be your saviour...you can escape this...little steps..xx

it's incredibly early days for you to be writing yourself off as a mother Amy! Lots of people don't really get on with the early stage. It's quite different from the later ones in many ways; a lot of people take to it much better once the baby starts to talk.
Plus, it sounds like you are actually doing very well in many ways, eg you have bonded beautifully with your baby and clearly adore her . You are struggling emotionally but when you can see things more clearly you will realise how much you have achieved in the last 3 months.

Hi Amy, just to let you know someone has posted on the other thread who was self harming and considering suicide. The health professionals felt her children were not at risk because she was receiving help.

I think there is lots of supportive messages here for Amy and perhaps it is time to pull back to allow her to explore the Real Life help options??
Just a suggestion as the tone of the posts is not improving.