I've ruined my life by having a child

[LittleAmy]

I never thought it would be this way. If I thought it would be this way I obviously would never have done it. I would never have inflicted "me" onto a child. I feel like a really shit mother because I'm not 100% happy with motherhood. In fact I'm not even 10% happy most of the time. It's not my poor daughters fault. She's only 3 months old.

I have 2 first class degrees so I could have had a different future but I wanted to be a mother. I thought I would make a good mother. I used to be a nursery nurse then a primary school teacher. I've written for parenting and teachers magazines. I thought I had maternal stamped all over me. But I'm sitting here downing as much vodka as I can. I'm getting drunk and I'm EBFing. I've never done this before because I've always tried to be the perfect mother. But I can't be the perfect mother. I feel like I've reached as far as I can go. I wish I could just leave the house with no money, no car, no food and just run, run, run untill I had no energy to take another step then just colapse and not be found. I've often wished I could become seriously ill and sent to hospital so I can rest and be alone. My doctor has given me pills but I've been on antidepressants before and they numbed me and made me feel nautious. Also I put on weight. I'm already hideous-looking compared to my former self so I obviously don't want to make myself even more hideous by putting on more weight.

Probably the worst thing is that my marriage is going down the shit hole. We've been together over 5 years and having a kid seems to have completely ruined our relationship. We argue a lot. I admit I pick a lot of the arguments. I feel like I want to saboratge my life. I feel as though I'm trapped and have no choices anymore.

I'm a SAHM and I have no friends. I attend a baby group but I'm too embarrassed to invite anyone over because we live in a tiny flat and the cat has destroyed the sofa and our baby's nursery has still not even been started :( People will judge me and I don't blame them. My husband takes years to do one little thing, hence why nothing ever gets done. As I have no money (not even enough for driving lessons) I don't feel that I have any control over my life. I can't get a job because childcare is too expensive and I cant get free childcare because my husband earns too much yet we always seem so poor. We don't have a joint account so I have to ask for everything.

Also since having a child I feel as though I have become retarded. I used to have quite an active intellect and a sharp mind. Now I struggle to complete sentences. It's probably sleep deprivation but either way it's a sad transformation.

My mother tells me to pull myself together and grow up for the sake of the baby. She says I am traumatising my baby because my husband and I argue so much. Deep down I am so scared because I know she is right.

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm the lowest I've ever been in my life (and I've been in very low places before).

I can see now way out of this.

All I've got is this bottle of vodka and its nice whilst I drink it but I know it will only be hours until the hazy alcohol fog lifts.

I feel that by having a child I have ruined the following:

My marriage.
My looks.
My prospects.
My security.
My intellect.

I can't think that this can possibly be normal because otherwise people wouldn't have multiple kids, and most people do.

I honestly thought I would be a good mother. I had no reason to think otherwise. I would NEVER have subjected an innocent child to me in this state if I knew this was going to happen. I'm not an inherintly evil person. I thought I was a loving and gentle and kind person until now.

And having a child is irreversable. What the hell can I do now?

I don't expect many replies but this has been good therapy to get it all out and read it back to myself.

"Just to say can't she, or anyone else, see the irony in this?"

Who the hell cares? Only a really mean person would be hammering this point right now. You backed yourself into this corner; you could have walked away from the first remark with loss of face but not having generated the extra bad feeling. Some MNers even manage to be big enough to climb down from unpleasant comments.

Maybe those earlier posts made you feel bad, and if that's the case, I'm sorry. It is horrible to be judged. But if that was the case, why multiply the hurt by reflecting it back now?

Northumberland, Tyne and Wear NHS - Postnatal depression self help guide

Patient UK Postnatal illness

Good post Sidonie. Let's get this thread back on track.

Funny - i and i expect many posters remembered LittleAmy's previous thread but didn't feel the need to remind her/us of it.

I fully admit that since becoming a parent I have become the judgeyest, judgeypants EVER! Doesn't make me omnipitent.

LittleAmy could have name changed quite easily. Chose not to. Quite gutsy imo. Also more to the point LA did apologise to lots of us on her previous thread. If an apology isnt upheld then what does that say about mn?

I would like to see Funnys have the balls to climb down and apologise. But I suspect, like too many on this forum, she will not.

Hello Little Amy

I could have written your post 8 years ago - except for the vodka, (hate spirits) substitute chocolate for vodka and I felt the same way. Hit the wall at 7 weeks and found everything nightmarish.

DH would come home and i'd still be in a nightie with the flat an utter shit tip and me crying as I'd had DD with me everywhere even the loo.

Two degrees, PGCE, secondary school teacher, had been size 14 then was size 20, guardian papers strewn around left unread, crying watching cbeebies round the clock, down to single income, isolated and utterly utterly knackered.

This is why sleep deprivation is a torture method. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS EVEN IF IT SEEMS DESOLATE NOW.

I am having a second one in a month's time (it only took me 8 years!!!) I am fully expecting to feel like you do very soon indeed.

I intend to do the following -

co-sleep with baby (but not if you've been drinking, not judging it's just not advised)
sleep when baby does little but often hopefully
get DH to help maintain flat/take turn so i can have at least a bath on my own
stop feeling guilty
try and read one news/article each day
talk about my feelings to DH
getting out house for walk each day (even if it's just meeting DD out of school)

re weight it will come off with bf or catching up with your kid once active.
re marriage use any babysitting support
or a dvd night in a few months when the sleep will improve a little
re intellect write a blog or read Naomi Wolf misconceptions Lionel Schriver etc if you feel maternally ambivalent
re career i went back after a year, it is doable even if it means part time or breaking even for a while

There will be a sense of loss of self there will be a sense of bereavement but it will pass. I don't think for me it got easier as my DD got older it was just a different challenge but it didn't get worse.

You are tired. You need to start forgiving yourself. Message me if you need to.

I didn't take anti-depressants (previous experience with prozac/seroxat not gd and i was bf). I didn't find the health visitors that supportive - was referred to an ed psych who understood completely but think they thought she fits the stereotype of middle class risk abuser...when all i wanted was access to some respite to go to loo on my own or do my washing up.

But my friend had great health visitor, took anti depressants and was just fine. If you feel you're losing it, you feel suicidal or you think you could harm little one if crying one more time Get The Help/ring cry-sis or mail me (have acis reflux at moment so am up all hours).

Take care. Love and light or some such bollocks. Be gentle with yourself. xx

Perhaps it is jealousy, and you are suffering, too, Funnys. I was once on a thread, about contributions to school trips, in which someone lost her head and had a massive go at someone who was having a hard time. It seemed fairly clear that she was upset and jealous at the support the OP was receiving, when she herself had not received such support (had not asked for it?).

The second poster did make up with the OP (but thank goodness there was a misunderstanding to work with there, too).

Sadly, there's not much to be jealous of in LittleAmy's situation. Only that posters have been pretty horrified at the despairing tone, and have been responding. We would have responded to your own hurt if you had let us, you know.

Good night, everyone.

Hope we all wake up to a better day, tomorrow.

I was going to report Funnys post but there is no point as it's clear from the subsequent posts that something was said, which would just leave LA wondering.

Oh and as for how do people change their point of view - well it's allowed. And why can't she see the irony, well I imagine she's got more important things to worry about than a theoretical thread she started months ago.

LittleAmy how are you this morning?

How did last night go LittleAmy?
I hope today will be a better day for you.

LittleAmy, hope you're still reading and still taking on board the supportive posts :)

Haven't read the whole thread, but I read your first one.

My daughter's nearly 2 now but I remember the first 12 weeks or so were hellish. It will get better. You do sound very depressed so I'd go and see a GP as others have mentioned.

I didn't have PND and I don't really drink, but a lot of things sound familiar.

My husband and I never argue but after our daughter was born we would snap at each other, must have been a lack of sleep and a feeling of too much responsibility for a little life. We got back to normal after a few months though.

You feel like everything is changed and you won't get your life back but you will one day - just a different one as a family and it's going to be lovely.

My advice would be to go to your GP firstly and put the drink away, it'll only make you worse.

Also try some gentle exercise - go for a walk with your husband, dress the baby warm and put her in the pushchair. It will lift your mood, give you a chance to talk to your husband in peace and help you lose some weight.

With regard to meeting other mums, can you suggest meeting for a coffee (or the park / a walk/ swimming) somewhere if you feel embarrassed about your home. I've got loads of friends but we hardly ever meet at each others homes so I don't think that is really expected.

Hope eveything goes well - it will get better I promise you. You sound a little bit of a perfectionist, but nothing has to be perfect - just good enough.

Your baby is still very young, so you are putting in all the work now and not getting much back (and I bet she cries a lot too now? Mine did). I then remember getting to about 5 months and thinking how perfect she was and how happy and smiley she was. It's a massive difference between 3 months and 5 months old if I recall correctly. Just hang in there - it'll get better soon.

Thanks everyone.

I've got the HV coming out at 3pm. I'm not sure what to tell her or what to ask for? Do you guys have any tips?

Ask her to assess you for PND.
Tell her you are feeling very depressed and are worried about yourself.
Tell her you would like support and treatment to get better, to enable you to enjoy your tiny DD as you should, and that you would like any treatment to allow you to continue to ebf your daughter.
Good luck - you are taking the first step to feeling like 'yourself' again, in fact better - 'yourself' who has a wonderful daughter.

Will she mention anti-depressants?

Shall I ask about any outreach services?

I have no idea, sorry. By 'outreach' do you mean services like HomeStart - it certainly can't hurt to ask.
Well done for making the decision to do this.
Do not down play how bad you feel so you don't worry / overwork her - it is her job to help you.

that no idea was about anti depressants, sorry

Ask about outreach - the homestart stuff and details on your children and family centre. She should be able to give you details of the drop in centres.

Explain how you're feeling, how you're coping - perhaps make notes beforehand and give them to her if that's easier.

I doubt she'll mention specific ADs - she won't have the training. Maybe you can arrange a separate appointment with a different GP?

I worry that if I tell her the full extent that she'll think DD is in danger.

I self-harmed yesterday and I'm having to cover it with makeup. A few bruises, nothing severe but you know the stereotype of HVs as overreacting.

I would NEVER, EVER hurt DD. Not in a million years.

Hopefully you will get replies from people who have been in this situation, I don't know.
I think they will do a hell of a lot before they would consider your DD to be at risk, especially if you say things like that. They would prefer your DD to be with her family.
Can your DH take some time off - both to support you, to show her that you are working through this as a family, and to see for his sake, how serious it is?

You seem a bit more positive today - are you?

LittleAmy, that's brilliant news. It's the first step to getting yourself to where you'd like to be and it's always the hardest one to take.

I'm not sure the HV will be able to prescribe anti depressants, but she might know something about them, I'm sure she's seen a lot of women in the same situation as you're in and will be able to help you find all of the help you need.

It might sound a bit odd but I found the easiest way to get across how I was feeling was to make some notes beforehand. If you just re-read your OP, you've described beautifully how you feel, perhaps take that as a starting point?

I'm soft as clarts me, I've got a tear in my eye reading this, I'm just so impressed at how brave you are in starting to tackle this. It's the best news I've had all day

(by the way, I was posting as hubblybubbly before - Halloween name thingy)

I know we have a couple of HVs on MN, if you want me to I can start a thread to ask for their advice or what they do/think when they are in this situation (as I'm sure they are, lots). I will only do this if you want me to though (or you can do it if you can be bothered)