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Original poster

How much do you 'ignore' your children?

1500 replies

Gameboy · 10/09/2005 17:02

Have just been out with two families - friends of ours- who have kids about the same age, and I have to confess, I am amzed by the extent to which they actively 'ignore' their children trhoughout the whole afternoon.

By this I mean they seem to 'zone out' from all the various requests/ questions/ constant 'to-ing and fro-ing' that seems typical of under- 6s??

As a result they actively seem to enjoy themselves more, manage to have 'adult' conversations (which I gave up years ago )and it seems that their kids eventually give up and go and sort out themselves whatever it is they want....( which seems like a good thing I suppose)

I can't decide whether I'm just a mug with my kids and let them dominate my life too much... but I simply CAN'T ignore them - it seems really rude and uncaring somehow??

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spidermama · 10/09/2005 19:58

It's all about balance.
I think it's a good idea to ignore them now and again as they need to respect your needs too. In return though you have to give them quality time. It's easier to do one, if you do the other too and have firm boundaries about what you're doing at any given time.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:00

Kama,
yes my DS is an only child. That is how i could give him my undivided attention constantly. I was fortunate and amazed when at the age of 10 months he said his first sentence.... he had already been putting 2 words together for a couple of weeks. By the time he was 15 months old he was fluently speaking and at about 2 could have a good conversation with you. At 3 he got chucked out of nursery because he sat and discussed the twin towers disaster with the other children and when confronted by the teacher simply told her...
I like watching the news and saw what had happened, don't be scared if there is a war i don't think it will affect you.
The school took this seriously, OTT in my opinion and told me i had the choice of stopping him watching the news or not returning him to school lol. needless to say i didn't return him and he progressed more. I saw one of the teachers outside the school and she said one of the things they didn't know how to deal with was the fact he was too opinionated (in their opinion) and far too advanced for nursery.

myturn · 10/09/2005 20:02

Lol Mars

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Dior · 10/09/2005 20:03

Message withdrawn

charliecat · 10/09/2005 20:04

I dont ignore my children but to the whine of im hungry I automatically direct them to the fruit bowl without even blinking.
I find when they have friends round they only require food and water then they vanish and thats where I grab some adult conversation.
If they look bored or left out I point them in the direction of something more interesting than lingering.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:05

fox,
all children are different though. for instance if DH and I are discussing finances, our DS will join in and partake in the conversation as well as writing out the shopping/bill list etc.
If we discuss decorating he has an active part in that too. the same as his b'day/xmas/halloween parties. He is allowed to partake in all of our conversations while he is awake and in the room. Anything that is not for little ears is discussed after he has gone to bed. But there is not much we do not discuss with him.

Twiglett · 10/09/2005 20:10

don't believe any of you

if you weren't masters of the fine art of ignoring children you would not be mumsnetters

Angeliz · 10/09/2005 20:11

I think Hattie05's point is the same for me. If i take a little time to give her something to do dd1 will amuse herself for ages.
Alot of the times she just does it anyway but i don't ignore her when she's asking qeustions or trying to talk to me. If i've given her lots of attention all day though i will sometimes tell her to stop talking now as she's given me a headache (and she does sometimes as she could talk for England!)

She still has that phone radar thing though , she can be quiet for an hour and as soon as i'm on the phone she starts!

Jimjams · 10/09/2005 20:11

hey- I get handy tips about cleaning up urine! I have to be on here.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:14

twiglett
even when i am online my ds is with me, well unless he is at school. so even then we still talk lol

foxinsocks · 10/09/2005 20:17

V, it's not so much the conversations between dh and I (because they are almost always around for those and as we are only all together for 1 day of the weekend, we tend to be doing something child focussed anyway), it's more the conversations with my friends about boring (for them) stuff like shoes or work.

My 2 could talk the hind legs off several donkeys (in fact, sometimes it is like a constant commentary) that with friends, it's just nice to have a bit of peace and quiet!

Jimjams · 10/09/2005 20:19

Angeliz- isn't that phone thing weird. Had an important phone call to make about ds1 last week- waited until ds2 was engrossed in trains, then about 10 seconds later he appeared. Spent the rest of the phone call (which incidentally was about ways to try and develop speech in ds1) with him shouting non stop at me and ds3. I'm surprised she didn't tell me the first thing to do was to shut up ds2, to give ds1 a chance to get a word in edgeways.

Angeliz · 10/09/2005 20:21

Never fails Jimjams, there's a book somewhere with a phone conversation between 2 friends, one of them has children and it's the funniest read.

colditz · 10/09/2005 20:24

Vaunda, it sounds like your child is advanced because he is permanantly sitting in on an adult conversation. A lot of people prefer to provide age-appropriate children's entertainment and suffer the consequences of having a not-so-advanced child, but one that knows how to entertain itself.

It's a shame that your Lo's nursery didn't know how to deal with the situation. They should have handled it better.

ScummyMummy · 10/09/2005 20:27

I do like spending time with children, Vaunda. But I value time with adults too and think that in certain circumstances they don't mix well. So I would not ask a friend to bring their child along as a full participant to a meal where there were no other children, no.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:28

Fox my ds is involved in conversations about shoes as well, or clothes etc. he like me has a shoe fetish hee hee and has a great love of clothes. he has his own style (many years ahead of him normally) and loves to discuss just about everything we adults do. my friends have never had a problem with him being around and he knows he has not just mummy and daddy but a whole extended "family" to talk to whenever he feels like. he calls them to talk to them, they take him out he is their mate as well as me being so.

colditz · 10/09/2005 20:30

Vaunda, does your ds make friends of his own age easily? Or does he relate better to adults?

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:32

Colditz, the things is my ds can entertain himself and does. he has a room full of toys which he can go off to whenever he choses. He always has had a choice of whether he comes out or stays with nanna. He is advanced yes but he is still a child. as for age appropriate entertainment he always had a choice of what he did but preferred to join in with what was going on around him. Just as i did. My parents always took us to restaurants, parties, social events as children and i do the same with my ds. Give him the choice of fast food or the local italian/indian he will always chose one of the latter lol.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:34

Scrummy, that is your choice but when he was invited he was taken and that was always. If i went to the pub to watch the football he would be there, just like if i went shopping.
He is happy to be with adults and chat with us, but that is just him.

WideWebWitch · 10/09/2005 20:35

I ignore my children quite a bit and I'd say as a result they're both happy children who are able to get on with things on their own. I do spells of constant attention (reading books to dd or ds for hours for example if I'm in the mood for that) and plenty of 'I'm doing xyz chore, you can come and help and talk to me while I'm doing it' and quite a bit of us all being out together in a restaurant or at the shops or on a walk so we'll all talk then. So I think they get a reasonable balance of 'get on with it on your own please' and 'mummy will see you now' I don't expect them to constantly interrupt adult conversatons either, I do manage long phone calls without them interrupting, in fact I spoke to my sister for an hour this am while dd sat cuddled up to me watching cbeebies. We were both really happy. I suppose dd does interrupt as she's too little not to at under 2 but ds knows he's not supposed to interrupt and should wait his turn. I think a bit of being made to get on with it is fair enough, I wish I'd done more of it when ds was younger but I thought I had to be entertaining him 24/7 and now I don't think so!

colditz · 10/09/2005 20:37

wouldn't anyone?

Sometimes you have a child that will not sit still, in a restaurant, or chat nicely to adults. Sometimes you have a child that wants to run around with a plastic helicoptor shouting and stamping. This is the sort of child that childless adults will not tolerate in an adult setting, and I don't blame them. I have one of those children

Provided my son has the means to entertain himself, I can ignore him because he never wants me anyway. He wants to play with toys, draw, chase other children, laugh at strange items etc.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:37

he has a few friends his age but they are mainly a few years older. And all of them have a disability. He (in his words) finds younger children boring. He has been adamant since he was 2 1/2 that he wants to be a doctor to work with people with disabilities. He is still saying the same 5 yrs later. the reason is because he has always been around disabilities.
he plays with a few children in school but much prefers to be in class working. as i said he has a whole room of toys and has never been stopped from playing with them but he chooses to read or watch tv. our tv is not for one person and he has free rein of it he can watch what he wants. which invariably is the news and documentry channel.

Vaunda · 10/09/2005 20:42

i always took toys out with me for him but they always stayed ion my bag as he never wanted them. the most disruptive he ever was was in a chinese restaurant when my dad taught him to use chopsticks as drum stick and he then picked up a china soup spoon and ended up smashing it. and even that caused no problems really

ScummyMummy · 10/09/2005 20:56

No. It's not just him. Most kids I know are happy enough with adults. Which doesn't mean that all adults want them around all the time. But maybe we're talking at cross purposes here? I'm not saying children and adults social paths should never cross, not at all. I too would consider taking my sons (who are a similar age to your boy) to the pub to see football in the afternoon. I love my boys and consider both of them wonderful company. They can do well behaved, if pushed, and I love eating out with them. But I wouldn't take them out for a meal with a group of adult friends unless it was a family type event and other children were invited. If I did I think that certain of my friends, while extremely fond of them, would be horrified to see them, though of course they might (possibly) be too polite to actually say so!

marthamoo · 10/09/2005 21:44

I think twiglett's got it . I do ignore my children sometimes - well, not ignore as such, but refuse to pander to their every need. They need to be independent too without constant referral to you. And much as I love my children, and enjoy their company, I cherish and crave time with other adults without children in tow. It's vital for my sanity. If I was out for a meal with friends and someone brought their child along I wouldn't be too happy - no matter how much the child might enjoy adult company, or how enjoyable their company might be to other adults. No matter how mature the child they are still just that - a child - and not every conversation would be suitable for them to join in with.

Mind you, I find other peoples' kids (for the most part) vaguely irritating - perhaps you have very tolerant friends, Vaunda.

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