How much do you 'ignore' your children?

[Gameboy]

Have just been out with two families - friends of ours- who have kids about the same age, and I have to confess, I am amzed by the extent to which they actively 'ignore' their children trhoughout the whole afternoon.

By this I mean they seem to 'zone out' from all the various requests/ questions/ constant 'to-ing and fro-ing' that seems typical of under- 6s??

As a result they actively seem to enjoy themselves more, manage to have 'adult' conversations (which I gave up years ago )and it seems that their kids eventually give up and go and sort out themselves whatever it is they want....( which seems like a good thing I suppose)

I can't decide whether I'm just a mug with my kids and let them dominate my life too much... but I simply CAN'T ignore them - it seems really rude and uncaring somehow??

one other little point about vaund?s postings. I was a little uncomfortable reading that he has a few child friends - mainly older and those with disabilities. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having friends with disabilites - far from it. However, the way she phrased it, mentioning that he would like to work with people with disabilities when older made it sound like he was spending time with them in a community service, slightly patronising way. If almost all of his child friends had disabilites I would be concerned that he might be choosing them because of their disability rather than because of who they were as children IYKWIM, something not quite right about that. Tricky to phrase this one as don?t wish to cause contraversy or offense, hope you can see what I am trying to get at.

yes I felt that as well basketcase (and my eldest son is severely disabled). But then I wondered whether it was just more in the vein of my ex boyfriend and not being comfortable in your own peer group.

maybe he feels safer and more in control? whatever the reasons and motivation, if I were his parent I would have concerns either way.

Vaunda, if you are still reading this, can I tell you about my oldest son?

When he was born we lived in Greenwich, in the heart of a very pubby, sociable area. We had a wide social circle, knew lots of musicians, artists, actors - almost all without children. My dh and my toddler son used to hang out with this crowd, and so ds got taken to many pubs, beer gardens and grown up events in the area. Dh was looking after ds while I worked. He did not take him to toddler groups or other child orientated activities because, as a man, he felt out of place at them.

My son grew up in the company of many adults. ds was very articulate and confident, so he loved chatting to dh's friends, who where very taken with him. I was always being told how 'special' he was, and ds got very used to being treated as 'one of the gang' even though he was the only child. Once, I horrified to see some well meaning friend asking ds if he'd like his own chat show, he was so funny and entertaining ... ahhhh!!

I used to cringe and saw ds1 turning before my eyes into a precocious little thing, feeling all his opionions were vitally important, any conversation could be interrupted by him and all his questions demanded answers right now.

When ds started school, he found it really difficult to respect his teachers - it took years to get his behavour under control. I am not saying his toddlerhood in adult company was the sole reason for this, but I am sure it did give ds an inflated idea of his own importance in groups.

We moved from Greenwich when ds was 5 years old, and we now have lots less contact with our old friends - than goodness for ds's sake.

Your son, of course, may be able to handle adult attention - and adult adulation - better than my son did - he was a very attention demanding little boy to begin with, so it just bought out a latant side of his personality.

With 4 girls who talk far topo much, I ignore them quite often

And as Twiglett siad, How can we be Mumsnetters without ignoring our kids

Vaunda, There is nothing at all wrong with having a bright child who gets on well with others but it must be balanced with getting on with other children too for his own sake

Arrrggghhhh, I can't spell

FFS, just re read my post and Vaunda I meant to say:

Its great he can get on well with Adults but for his own sake must learn to get on with kids of his own age and not just ones with dissabilities

JImJams,
the reason his friends have disabilities are because he chose to be friends with them. He goes to a church school and they accept all children. each class has 2-3 disabled children in it. Karl choses who he wants to be with. He likes to help them when they are having difficulties with things. Personally i feel this is because he has always been around disabilities.. my dad was disabled. He has always been aware of what you can or can't do and what you can or can't leave around on floors. If he had not been around this situation maybe he would not have had such a caring personality. Or rather maybe he wouldn't be so acring of disabled people. He does have a few friends who are not disabled but not many and they are all older than him.

I was an only child until I was four. I got on much better with adults for all of my childhood, presumably because I wasn't often with other kids. I had a miserable time at school. I was badly bullied, and it was not fun.

I'm sure all that's not inevitable, but I'm very very glad my DS1 gets on very well with other kids.

but what sort of disabilities? If its a mainstream school I presume they are at the "milder" end (in inverted commas as I don;t want it to seem that I am downplaying problems) I mean I can understand that some children are drawn to my son (a few are- not that they get much interaction out of him) but I can't imagine why they wouldn't have friends from their own peer group as well.

the reason I keep asking about what type of disability is because I think its important- if for example your son is friends with children with cp - then assuming its not at the severe end (which it wouldn't be in a ms school) then those children are part of the peer group and so there isn't anything unusual about it-it's good that he's accepting of difference, but if he was only "friends" with children like my son then I would be concerned- as he couldn't have a proper friendship with my son- it would be a carers role and I'm not sure that's healthy if that's all you had (that + peer gorup friends no problem).

i had to ask'are you for real' as there is just a real ring of untruth about your post and if it is true, i'm sorry but i forsee a future of getting the crap kicked out of him, for your son.
Children have to be able to socialise with their peers,in an age appropriate way otherwise life can get very difficult for them. That's why we have things like toddler groups- because this is a real life skill that has to be learnt.
As for only being friends with disabled children because he can help them, then that is weird too. You should be friends with someone because you like them, not because you can help them otherwise it all gets a bit lou and andy doesn't it? And isn't it a bit patronising for the kids he's helping? They should be like for who they are, not what their disability is.

does that make sense? I'm trying to say that its perfectly possibly to have peer relationships with some children with disabilites - in which case the disability should be irrelevant, but in other cases it's more of a carers role- and that would worry me in the absence of peer relationships from other areas.

ah x posted alexsmum

jimjams i'm glad you agree with me. if i was you and this little lord fauntleroy character kept hanging round my ds because he could 'help'him, i think it would really piss me off.
if on the other hand, this kid hung around him because he thought your ds was a fab laugh and they were both into the solar system or something fair enough.or as is the case with most of ds's mates because they all find bums funny!

He sounds like James Harries. And look how (s)he turned out.

I THOUGHT THAT!!!!!!!!!!

Tinker, that's exactly what I was thinking - only I couldn't remember his/her name!

He;d have to try hard to hang around ds1- he keeps out of the way of children. Mind you another set of eyes to stop ds1 weeing on the floor would be helpful right now (ds2 is my main spy "mummeeeeee ds1 is climbing up")

you know what i mean jimjams.. at weeing on the floor!
ds2 has recently learnt the word' hit' and can now tell us if ds1 has smacked him one..very handy!

OK here goes.
Regardless of whether people believe me or not my ds was talking in sentences at 10 months.I was shocked and amazed at this, HV put it down to the fact he had only ever been with adults and always had my undivided attention. How or why he did so is not important it just happened.
He has always from the week after he was born been with adults. his father is a drummer in a band and we used to go to the gigs when they were playing at weddings or parties. Ds was always centre of attention with band members.
he has also always been around disabilities my dad was disabled as was my grandad. My dad walked with a stick and on occassion was in a wheelchair he also had arthritis. My grandad had sceptic rhuematoid arthritis which meant his hands were not much use to him. As a result DS learnt at a very early age to help, not leave a mess around incase grandad or old grandad fell on it. He learnt that not everyone was the same and that some people need more help than others. He was 2 1/2 when he said he wanted to be a doctor and that was while he at the hospital with my mum and grandad (i was at the hospital with my dad). He was watching the doctor and asked him what he was doing, when the doctor finished he replied "when i grow up i will be a doctor that way i can help old grandad and grandad get better". 5 yrs on he is still adamant that he wants to be a doctor only now it is to help people with disabilities in general as both my dad and grandad died.
By the following yr when he started nursery I was a carer for my grandparents and Karl helped me while i went downstairs with my grandad he would sit on the arm of my nans chair with his legs across her so she couldn't get up. Nan saw it as he was sitting on her lap for a cuddle but karl knew if "old Nanny" moved then to call me up.
My grandad then went into hospital and 12 days later died. Karl knew this he was then 3 yrs 6 months. During his life we were always out with different people in restaurants and in pubs too, many of my friends do not have children for one reason or another and totally adore time with karl. the yr he turned 3 we were always in restaurants 3-5 times a week, and if not in them we were at friends houses. By this point i had been split from his father for over a year. Karl also had to grow up when i was with him because he was a total pratt and very aggressive and violent.
in 2003 when my dad was rushed to hospital karl was with me when i got there at 6.15 am. he saw his grandad there and continued to see him for the following 3 months since dad never came home, well he did once when my husband and i kidnapped him from his ward for a few hours. on one occassion when a doctor was trying to talk to mum and asked if she wanted to go away from little ears karl piped up... "You can say it here, my mum never lies to me and i know grandad has cancer, a trachemotry, mrsa and is having radiotherapy so what are you waiting to say".
The doctor was shocked and didn't know what to say. But she explained what she had been wanting to. She later praised me on my honesty with karl. I do nothing different than my parents especially my dad did with us as children. Karl was with dad on the day he died just 45 minutes before he did and was at dads funeral. I had learnt from not allowing him to go to my grandads funeral my mistake... he told me " you all got to say goodbye to old grandad but you didn't let me say goodbye". I wasn't making the same mistake twice.

As for karl discussing finances with DH and I well, it makes him realise that even though he may want something he will have to wait as money doesn't grow on trees. He write what money we have and then deducts what we are spending and what we are left with, It also helps him with his maths.
I do not ever ignore him, even as i am typing this we are holding a conversation about going to the prom in hyde park today. the only time he isn't spoken to is when he is asleep. He is at present playing with his harry potter toys and talking to his dad and I.

JImjams,
one has hydrocaphilis (spelt wrong i reckon) another walks with crutches, another is deaf, 4 are autistic.
I did say he has a few friends without disabilities but they are all older than him.

you are totally ingoring the issue that most pepole have. he sounds lovely but he needs to have friends his own age. it is your job to give him the toosl to fit in with his peers, not with you and your friends. it is good he can talk to adults but teach him how to be a kid befoer its too late.

To all of the people making fun of Vaunda's son, can I point out that she may well read these messages, and that this is her little boy you are talking about? How would you feel if an entire thread seemed to have been devoted to attacking your method of parenting and your child's personality? how would you feel if somebody was making comments like "...and look how he turned out?"

guys, it's not nice. It's embarrassing to read.

He cannot help tha fact he has an urge to help people can he. He does like these children but he is also considerate of their needs. The children he helps love to be with him and through the holidays i have other mums phoning me as their children want to see him. He plays with them etc he doesn't treat them any differently he is just more tolerant and accepting of them.