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Would you have had kids if you'd known how tough it was?

322 replies

Angiel · 21/07/2003 18:21

I don't know if I would have, its a bit late now though!!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Clarinet60 · 23/07/2003 23:34

I work 3 days a week. I don't think I feel different on the days I work, except, strangely, I can't wait for them to go to bed on those days. I think it's because I've got into work mode and resent having to come out of it.

suedonim · 24/07/2003 00:39

A very loud 'Yes' in reply to the question. I love being a mum and can't think of anything I'd rather do. If we'd had the space and money, a couple more children would have been nice! Of course there are things that aren't so great, like the chores, but I'm sure that even if I'd not had children there would still be things in my life that were boring or tedious.

I've done my share of M&T groups and so on (my particular loathing was playgroup duty) but dh and I have continued to do the things we like to do and mainly avoided the child-centred stuff we don't like. We've never been to a theme park (those are places to go to on school trips or with godparents) or on a child-centred holiday, preferring to do things that include our interests. Certainly, it probably isn't possible for a small child to spend all day in an art gallery but we found with our four that we could still do the things we liked in smaller portions, spacing them out with other amusements.

Now I come to think about it, when our eldest two were small there weren't really any child-centred things to do, anyway. In fact, I wonder whether such facilities have made it harder for people to adjust to new lives as a parent. Although it's great having child-centred things, I think in some ways it is also sending a message that once you become a parent you are a different species which belongs in the Soft Play Barn and is no longer welcome in the Museum. As some of you know, I've been living abroad for a while. It was noticeable that whilst there are very few specific facilities, children are far more readily integrated into everyday life, with everyone taking a part in their upbringing, and there is an amazing lack of tantrums and other behaviour that I had previously thought was inseparable from childhood. Not sure what I'm trying to say here - just rambling, I think!!

For me, the hardest part has been the lack of time for myself (even though I am pretty selfish about doing what I want, it's being aware that there is always a time limit that gets to me) and the occasions when my emotions have been so stretched that I almost feel emotionless.

Thomcat, my oldest ds is 28 and married and I'm still besotted with him, so no, the bubble doesn't have to burst. It isn't all a bed of roses, by any means, but the good far outweighs the bad.

Furball, you've years to go before you can poo in peace! I was sat on the loo quite recently when the above mentioned ds burst in on me, wanting to talk about something. I pointed out that I was otherwise engaged and he just said 'Yeah, okay, but what do you think about xxxx?' I suppose I could lock the door but then I would have dd battering on it instead, sigh.

bells2 · 24/07/2003 08:06

Suedonim, it has always struck me how the most child friendly countries actually have the fewest specific child-facilities. On our recent trip to the Amalfi Coast we didn't come across a single restaurant with a high chair, baby change facilities were non existent as were child menu's. None of it mattered in the slightest because wherever we went, children were welcomed and accommodated in a sensible way.

Tinyfeet I have 2 (19 months and just 4) and take them out on my own every Friday for an outing come rain or shine. This is generally a museum or London attraction and is always done on public transport. I love it although there has been the very occassional time where I have burst into tears over the sheer hassle of it all and the far more common experience of me standing in a corner furiously studying a painting and desperately trying to look as though the two appallingly behaved urchins are nothing whatsoever to do with me. I far prefer it to being at home with them when frankly, I tend to get irritated that I can't get on with what I want to do.

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aloha · 24/07/2003 09:53

For those who say this thread is depressing, with a few exceptions (I really feel for Trifle) I don't think so. It is quite rare for mothers to be allowed to express their genuine feelings of regret. I am forever seeing size 8 mothers of four who with waist-length blonde hair who live in vast houses in Notting Hill and home educate while writing cookbooks. Yes, I know she not exactly Ms Average, but it does make me feel a bit drab & incompetent in comparison. However, I comfort myself with the fact that she can only do and be all these things because she's totally loaded and has a live-in nanny in all probability. I think women are usually extremely reluctant to discuss the stuff they don't like because we are scared people will think we don't love our children.
BTW, I am not really such a culture vulture as I seem to have made myself sound! I actually spend much of my time with ds sitting around the house, or visiting my friends (with and without kids). However last weekend we did go out to lunch (Cafe Rouge) and went to the Horniman Museum, which is extremely kid friendly but also interesting for adults and has beautiful gardens for us all to look at and potter round. And even if I duck out of playgroups etc, of course I don't regret him. He is the love of my life. I am a working mother - I work three days a week from home and on two of those days he is cared for elsewhere. His nanny takes him swimming and to the park and to baby groups etc, so he gets those things and I don't have to do them, which makes us all happy. I feel very lucky.

ThomCat · 24/07/2003 09:59

Glad to get a couple of positive responses and feel better having heard from some mums that their bubbles never burst. I'm amazed how this thread has made me feel which on the whole has been quite sad. It's not that I pity any of you , I don't want you to think that, I'm just a sensitive soul and couln't help but feel a bit sad. I hugged Charlotte a bit tighter last night, I don't know if I can really explain why. I suppose I didn't ever appreciate how some mums out there feel, that it isn't the best thing that ever happened to them etc, so thanks for opening my eyes a bit. It just the thought of not having the same strength of feelings, if not stronger, for Charlotte in a few years time scares me. Having Down's she'll probably have to rely on me more for certain things and there is the possibility that she may not live independently from us so I guess it's very important to me to know that I won't resent being a mother, I'm in this for the long haul with the strong possibility of some bumpy times ahead. I feel incredibly lucky that I love everything about being a mum and hope to God I never feel eny diferently. Changing a nappy is a delight to me, and before you all think 'silly, soppy cow' etc, it's because Charlottes muscle tone is so slack and she is also always constipated that it's great when she finally goes.
Please don't think that I don't ever have an off moment but on the whole I feel lucky to be her mum.
Love to you all - TC x

Angiel · 24/07/2003 10:14

Thank you all for replying, I'm amazed that so many people have. Most of my threads die after a couple of posts.

I just wanted to say again that I don't regret having my children and I do love them more than anything. The reason I asked the original question was because I was feeling inadequate and that I'm not good enough to be a mum. Not because I don't want to be a mum, I just don't think I quite make the grade.

OP posts:
elliott · 24/07/2003 10:15

I'm a working mum happyspider (4 days per week at the moment; dh also does a 4 day week) and it is fundamental to my sanity and happiness! I really need both things in my life, personally I think I would be miserable as a SAHM.

ThomCat · 24/07/2003 10:20

Yeah - ditto that Elliott - I think another reason I love all facets of being a mum is because I'm a working Mum. I work 4 days a week, from 9-6pm and althought I'd lkie to do a bit less it keeps me sane and happy to juggle both. If I stayed at home every day you may well be getting another story from me!

Neen99 · 24/07/2003 10:21

Thomcat, I wouldn't worry about the bubble bursting, honestly. I think for those of us who have difficulty adjusting to the lack of time to oneself... as a couple... the freedom of doing what we want, when we want, etc. it has always been that way. For me, it feels as if I go through 'phases' of feeling like that. But they are few and far between, and don't feel very important compared to the love I feel for my son.

lisalisa · 24/07/2003 10:26

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lisalisa · 24/07/2003 10:31

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elliott · 24/07/2003 10:39

lisalisa, perhaps I spoke too soon - no 2 is due in December so we will see how life works out trying to combine work and 2 small children!! I can imagine the ratio of grind to pleasure may change somewhat. But at the moment I find I am significantly LESS tired at the end of a working day than after a day with ds - though of course the run up to bedtime after a working day isn't always much fun!!

ThomCat · 24/07/2003 10:43

No Lisalisa, it's hats off to you. It's easy and enjoyable at the moment becasue i only have one who although has special needs is relatively easy. I also have a fab Mum who lives round the corner, another reason I can sit here and say I love it etc. I can totally see where you are coming from with a job and 3 kids, and being pregnant. it must be a constant battle to make sure everything is done. I admire you.

aloha · 24/07/2003 10:48

Angiel, I am interested in why you don't think you are a good mother? Did you know that studies show that women today who work full time spend MORE time actively playing with their children than SAHM mothers did in the 1960s? I really, truly think we expect far too much of ourselves.

happyspider · 24/07/2003 10:59

the reason why I asked if there was any working mum is because I am still deciding what to do at the end of my maternity leave....
I mean I love my little baby(is 6 weeks old) but I think it's too early for me to say if I would still have him after what I have been through.
Having said that, I cherish every moment with him: when he sleeps on my chest, when he's feeding, even when I have to pick him up at night from the crib. Just the other morning, when I was getting a bit tired of always giving and never getting anything in return from him, he gave me a huge real smile and that made nearly cry (old, sad me...)

Must be because I have had him quite late, but I don't feel I am missing out on anything in the world right now, I am not sure I will feel the same 5 months down the line though. I have an adult brain and need stimulating conversation too, so I am not sure I will feel after a few months of just looking after him (and daily chores too of course)
I used to have a very interesting job and I too was travelling all over the world, and even though I loved it, it was nothing in comparison with the love I have for my ds.

OK, here you are another soppy (happy) mother....

happyspider · 24/07/2003 11:04

wow lisalisa, wonderwoman is the word that springs to my mind: well done!

aloha · 24/07/2003 11:18

Happyspider - oh, everything just gets better after 6weeks IMO. Watching their personalities grow is just amazing. I am glad I work p/t as it gives me the best of both worlds.

marialuisa · 24/07/2003 11:18

Just to add something else in to the equation, did most mumsnetters have their children in their 30s? I ask because I had DD at 22, but only really know people who had children later on, in my post-natal group the nearest person in age to me was 28. Some of the comments made on here about exhaustion, loss of freedom etc were made by these friends but TBH it's not really something i give much htought to. I have travelled widely, done my degree etc but I don't feel that by having DD i'm missing out on things that my childless friends are doing.

I'm also aware that I get a lot less wound up about "doing things properly" than friends who had their kids later. Perhaps this is partly because I come from a large family and have been changing nappies since i was 7, I don't know.

DD is the best thing that happened to me, as a baby she was much less hard work than i was expecting and the older she gets the more fun she is. my only regret is that I cannot be a SAHM for a host of complicated reasons.

aloha · 24/07/2003 11:18

Happyspider - oh, everything just gets better after 6weeks IMO. Watching their personalities grow is just amazing. I am glad I work p/t as it gives me the best of both worlds.

Janeway · 24/07/2003 11:19

Sorry -not read through all the postings, but in response to Angiel's initial question....

it's not been that much harder than I thought it would be - mind you ds is only 17 months and definitely from the easy introduction section of the shop (but there's warning signs of what's to come)...

I suppose I was a reluctant mum - ds came about more to meet dp's needs than my own - I was full of fears about what motherhood would do to my career etc and for the most part those fears have been realised - but if I'd known how much I'd love him, and how much joy he'd bring I'd have become a mum sooner - he's not nearly as scary as I thought.

That's not to say we don't have bad times (it took me 4 months to start waking up to ds, and in that time I felt I'd made the most awful mistake and would be enslaved to ds for all my life solely for the benefit of other family members who were enjoying him), or that I don't resent the compromises I'm forced to make (and that there would be less of them if I was a guy) but I'd never understood (even after 13 neices&nephews) how wonderful it is to hold your own child, and how even the ickiest nappy is somehow less icky when it's your childs.

Someone I know said recently how amazing it is that you find yourself doing things that you never even thought you would have to vow never to do (like sniffing a bum in public to see if its clean) and thinking nothing of it... It's wonderful how nature somehow insulates our sensitivities so that we can deal with the necessary (however, other people's kid's nappies are foul and make me gag).Consequently many of the things that are hard work arn't quite as bad as I'd feared, and are just a "job of work" that must be done and got through. But the idea that I would never have heared such giggles in the house, or have my arm tugged to go play...

However I'll reserve final judgement on this till he's been through his teens

ThomCat · 24/07/2003 11:24

Marialuisa - I had my DD when I was 31.

ThomCat · 24/07/2003 11:25

Or was I 30!!!

bells2 · 24/07/2003 11:34

Happyspider, I for one never ever contemplated giving up my City job when I just had one child. Even though its 7am - 6pm in the office four days a week, I still felt that I had enough time energy in the evenings and weekends to be with my baby. I guess I also felt that looking after just him on his own didn't quite feel like a full time job (no offence intended to all those SAHM's with one child) as I don't really enjoy a lot of baby / toddler oriented activities. But like lisa lisa, it began to change with 2 and now with no. 3 imminent, I really don't think I could manage to continue working as I have been.

My decision to give up work (last day today) was literally like a light bulb being switched on inside my head. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that trying to flog someone a bond was actually not as 'important' or for that matter satisfying as having the time to relax and enjoy my three children. On a weeknight, I found myself wishing they would go to bed and, having been away from them all day, hated myself for it.

bells2 · 24/07/2003 11:35

Happyspider, I for one never ever contemplated giving up my City job when I just had one child. Even though its 7am - 6pm in the office four days a week, I still felt that I had enough time energy in the evenings and weekends to be with my baby. I guess I also felt that looking after just him on his own didn't quite feel like a full time job (no offence intended to all those SAHM's with one child) as I don't really enjoy a lot of baby / toddler oriented activities. But like lisa lisa, it began to change with 2 and now with no. 3 imminent, I really don't think I could manage to continue working as I have been.

My decision to give up work (last day today) was literally like a light bulb being switched on inside my head. All of a sudden, it dawned on me that trying to flog someone a bond was actually not as 'important' or for that matter satisfying as having the time to relax and enjoy my three children. On a weeknight, I found myself wishing they would go to bed and, having been away from them all day, hated myself for it.

ThomCat · 24/07/2003 11:38

Have great last day Bells2.