Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

Good post elliott, esp agree with "but I think one thing that strikes me is why we seem surprised to find that a life with small children, spent almost entirely in the service of meeting other people's needs, doing repetitive tasks with little positive feedback or external validation, often very isolated from other adult company, feels unfulfilling?"

I agree with you totaly about middle ground soapbox. Some parents near me share both: they both work part time and are sah part time. And they're teachers so both off at the same time. Poor though

Bugsy, I so agree, I hate, hate, hate the fucking park. I know we're not supposed to swear but I don't think anyone should let their kids read this thread tbh! Great thread, really fascinating.

btw I want to add that by 'unfulfilling' I don't mean 'not valuable' - clearly time spent with our children is incredibly valuable to them. That is the crux of the matter really.

I kind of agree with you about the middle ground soapbox but it is not the neat solution it can seem. It is what me and dh have strived for (we both work pt and each have a day in sole charge of the children) and while I think it works well for the kids, it is still all a bit unsatisfactory. I feel I have definitely compromised my career progression and earning power (and dh too, so I couldn't give up even if I wanted to) without the benefits to the kids of having me around most of the time.

I wonder if our expectations of what motherhood will be like colour our views of the reality of being a SAHM. I know I had seriously rose tinted glasses about what being a mother involved. I invisaged benevolent, but in reality, negligent levels of care with alot of time pottering about running my "happy" house and visiting and chatting to other mothers.
I had no idea that lack of sleep and caring for an energetic, adventurous toddler at the same time as a baby left little time for chatting with my friends while sipping tea & eating cake off a plate!!!! That actually I would spend the entire time leaping up & down trying to prevent the eldest from doing something awful or pacifying the baby.
I also wonder if SAHM are happier if they have "easier" small children. DS was a horrific nightmare, whereas DD is much easier as a toddler & I find we can do the "pottering" stuff with greater ease.

I work full-time and I am bored rigid! Talk about clock watching I can't WAIT to finish and pick up ds. Repetitive tasks are not confined to the home, sadly. and 'adult company' is not generically Good, believe me! Gimme the park anyday. the grass IS greener

I havent read this thread but I couldnt be a sahm. Did it for three years with ds and knew I couldnt do it again with dd.

Interesting point, Bugsy - because my mother loathed being a SAHM; she never said so (and she had her own complicated reasons for being one) but I definitely got the impression that having children was synonymous with losing a huge part of your life. Which coloured my attitude to having children enormously, I have to say, and is one of the reasons the prospect of SAHMery has always terrified me to a quite disproportionate extent.

Like Elliott and co, I do think that this idiotically rigid idea of 'work' that our society has isn't really shifting - yes, we have 'flexible working' and 'family friendly' [shudder at the expression] working, but essentially that is perceived as a deviation from 'proper work', I think (and big companies certainly seem to think so if you look at the way in which such policies are considered/implemented).

I have some degree (not that much, actually, given that I have to earn a full wage) of 'flexible working' but on the other hand I have none of the benefits most people in 'proper jobs' get...

And WWW and Prufrock, sweeties, I am so sorry you are feeling like this.

The lowest point of my week comes during toddler music class, where all the toddlers and mummies pick up a shaker and bang along to Baa Baa Black Sheep. I look around the room and see all the mummies staring into space, droning out the words and beating tambourines - and it REALLY reminds me of my local day centre for people with mental health problems; it's like another morning at the assylum. All these women have degrees and opinions and brains, but it all feels like it's been sacrificed to the the hamster-wheel of raising toddlers. It breaks my heart every week.

morningpaper, you must have been going to the same groups as me. Never again. DS2's social development will have to come from his 2 days at day nursery and spending time with his mad 5 yr old brother and his friends.

morningpaper - that kind of comment upsets me a bit. Not everybody is fulfilled being a SAHM, fine. But don't knock the SAHM's either! To me it doesn't feel like a hamster wheel, I do have a degree and a brain and opinions but I don't feel I'm wasting my time being with my children, not at all. Not even when I'm singing along to Bah bah black sheep for the 1000th time! And I don't feel that I have lost myself or my identity or whatever. This is my job, my "project" at the moment. It won't last forever. There will be plenty of years to come in which I can do other things. But at the moment I love it, I enjoy it, I'm very lucky that I'm able to do it, and it's a choice that's just as valuable as WOTH.

ROFL, morningpaper. I know I shouldn't laugh but it does highlight the absurdity of the whole thing to me.
My own mother loved being a SAHM, which is why I am amazed by my own lack of enthusiasm. However, she did NONE of the stuff we do nowadays and readily admits that she would rather have died than gone to toddler groups. In fact she says she doesn't ever remember actually "playing" with us in the sense of organising specific activities. As far as she was concerned we had to occupy ourselves unless we needed feeding or changing because she had a house to run! (We didn't live in a mansion or anything just a normal 3 bed house)

It's such a relief to hear that I am not the only one! I absolutely adopre dd, obviously, but I do often count the hours until nap time/bedtime and wonder how on earth I am going to fill them.

We sometimes take dp to the station in the morning and I sit in the car in tears when I see the women in suits on the platform, sipping their coffee, waiting for the train. Having said that though, I don't know if I could work full time again.

I think it was made worse by moving to a new area when dd was 1 and being ignored at all the groups we went to for ages and ages. It's slowly getting better, but I feel so guilty thinking how much time with dd I have wished away. I don't actually mind the park though, it's just the effort of getting there!

I started an evening class recently and have made a couple of friends there, which is great and gives me something else to think about. In fact I hardly even think of dd when I am there, so I feel guilty about that too.

Prufrock - I think you are moving to my area soon - perhaps we can start an unfulfilled SAHM group!

"The lowest point of my week comes during toddler music class, where all the toddlers and mummies pick up a shaker and bang along to Baa Baa Black Sheep. I look around the room and see all the mummies staring into space, droning out the words and beating tambourines - and it REALLY reminds me of my local day centre for people with mental health problems" Oh so true.

I am not musical and I'm a hopeless dancer. Why do I put myself through toddler music group?! Barely any of the kids join in so it is just a bunch of educated women swaying along to 'Alison the Camel' Why do we do it?

WWW and Bugsy. Add me to the loathing the park brigade. It's the MOST boring thing to do with a child IMO and has been assigned to a dad and daughter activity only. I like our local soft play area though as they serve decent coffee.

God the longer this thread goes on for the more I feel like such a saddo because I love being a SAHM so much...

Emkana - why would you feel like that

This thread has been fantastic as its one of the few times we have managed to address this topic on MN without ructions of one sort or another.

I see nothing on this thread which should make you feel bad.

You should feel lucky - you are one of the SAHM's who feel completely fullfilled in that role.

That many don't in no way undermines the fact that you do

Carribean Queen: I totally empathise with the tears over the besuited women and their coffees!

I have discussed my general dissatisfaction with DP recently and we have decided to aim for him to work 4 days a week in a year or so, so that he can stay at home and I can work for an extra day (currently I work for 2 days). I think this will go a long way towards improving my quality of life, and will help us both to value the time we spend with the children more.

it's just not that easy to hold a minority view, is it?
Felt the same when I admitted to quite fancying Kevin McCloud on MN
When the majority feels different to yourself, don't you have slight self-doubts sometimes that there might be something wrong with you?

ha ha ha ha ha ha at morningpaper's description of toddler singing, I just cannot face any of them! Emkana, no-one's saying you shouldn't enjoy it, just that some of us don't enjoy it very much some of the time, that's all, no-one's having a go at anyone who enjoys being a sahm not AT ALL! Gotta go, dictator in a highchair needs me!

I have moments of loving it Emkana and even when I am not loving it, I wouldn't have it any other way at the moment because I know my DD loves it.

Whilst I hate the park and endure activities, I especially enjoy considering myself my child's first teacher. I love doing experience stuff with her and activities which allow the opportunity for new discussion.

For me, toddler activities serve a great purpose for my dd and a secondary one for me. They get me ready and out of the house for a set time and break up the day. I look forward to my dd turning 3 though, as she'll be able to do Tumble Tots by herself and I'll be able to sit and watch and drink a hot drink at my leisure.

Emkana - I suspect lots of people would love to be like you - I know I would.

But it just doesn't do it for me

My life I suspect would be easier if it did. Sometimes its wearing being not quite happy with either world!

emkana twiglett loves it too. her posts (about being a SAHM) always make me feel as though part of my XX make-up is faulty....
there's nothing better than being able to do what you love, so please don't feel bad about it!

Emkana, don't you get it? We all want to be like you & we can't understand why we are not!!!!!
In a way we are the saddos because we feel dissatisfied with being SAHMs.
That's why we are wondering why we are dissatisfied, why we don't enjoy it more, why it doesn't tick our boxes.
I wanted to enjoy being with my children so much & was genuinely amazed and disappointed that I didn't.

And emkana, (dd out of highchair, pulling all my books onto the floor!) I love it some of the time too, I really do. But other times I don't love it and it's so helpful to know other people feel the same.

Okay, I get it now .

Looks like I'm just lucky then. Will go away and count my blessings.

morningpaper your post made me laugh. I have the same experience but only have to catch the eye of one of my frineds (temporarily transported singing and shaking as you describe) and we both crack up. It's ridiculous but the kids enjoy it and I don't spend the whole day there....

I agree very much with Elliot - my dp and I have the same experience of sharing childcare and working too and it's not without it's flaws. the perception people at work have of you (this for DP more than me btw) being one. I think it can be an awful lot easier where partners just have very defined roles - you do the childcare, I'll go to work - with dp and I it's a constant process of negotiation and as Bundle said there's very little give in the system.