Was this woman a SELFISH person for doing this?

[KayHarkerIsPlayingWithMitchell]

I read today.

I have to ask, (aside from the religious element, which I know you won't all share) is she right that her first response was bad?

WWYD? Would it involve rubbing feet?

If she was near the end of a pregnancy why the hell was she the one cooking dinner and rubbing feet?!

I would have continued to sob and made DH get his own bloody dinner!

argh, I mean obviously 'this' inbetween 'read' and 'today'. ffs.

Well, he was at work all day, you see.

She sounds unhinged.

yeah and? Like she hasnt had a bad day too.

Are there people really still in this historic version of man at work, woman at home, woman does everything.

Bet the DH sat on his arse all day, popped to the pub at lunchtime, and went to the pub after work hence coming home at 10pm!

Woman on the other hand is heavily pg, kids at home, has cooked and cleaned blah blah blah, and yet, she isnt allowed to have a whinge and a cry because she must "serve" her husband.

BOLLOX.

Well here's the thing. I've worked full time and I've been pregnant. I know which of the two is harder on your body and your emotions. Religion aside, I fails to see how her behaviour differentiates her from a doormat.

She said it made her feel better afterwards though.

DanJARMouse - she home educates, too.

I fear her feeling of 'refreshment' may have come from a subconscious decision to kill someone

A more thoughtful answer: No, it wouldn't involve rubbing feet. It might involve a little more constructive thought about rearranging my resources to make sure I didn't get to that point (and those resources might include help from DH, talking to friends etc) but I wouldn't feel guilty that I had exploded in frustration.

You cannot give with nothing to give. She sounds as if she is running out of giving.

Her first response is utterly understandable Her subsequent epiphany is disturbing.

He sounds like a wanker.

I would have stayed in bed and waited on the cup of team my delightful husband would have brought me. The ony feet being rubbed would have been my heavily swollen pregnant ones.

It's only selfish if, in the bigger picture of their relationship, she is the only one allowed to need support from him. I doubt that's the case.

On that particular day she was having a horrible time of it and needed to vent, so his job is to listen, sooth, rub her feet, make it better. On another day he might need to vent and she can look after him and make him feel better in whatever way works for them.

It's two-way.

See, this is where I come from, in terms of recent experience, and I've got to say that three or four years ago, I would have read that, and nodded approvingly.

But it really took me aback today. Now, I happen to know that Jesse is a really nice man who helps around the house and isn't at all an ogre. But it still shocked me that someone would think that way, even though I used to myself.

Maybe that's a good thing on my part. I'm unsure. It's an odd feeling.

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Warning: heavy dose of Gizmo hippy philosophy is about to be served.

I tend to think of it as being a good steward of your resources, if you like. You only have so much energy and time in world, and these have to be invested wisely to generate love (which is pretty limitless, fortunately). If you don't make sure you spend time and energy on yourself as well as on others, you have much less to invest in them.

The trick is to find the balancing point. Many women have a bad tendency to believe they can balance on 98% of time and energy for others, 2% for themselves. Which is not sustainable, long term.

Pruners, yeah, I think it was the 'my husband forgave me' thing that kind of grated.

she cooked the dinner earlier for the girls - she only heated it up later (I'm guessing shoving in the microwave - which lets face it doesn't really take a lot of energy even if you are heavily pg ).

And she does say that she encouraged him to go and help with the church stuff

I'm on the fence with this one - I understand her sentiments about it, but not sure if she went a little ott.

Yes, I think I'm probably still on the fence myself, which I why I thought it'd be a good MN thing.

I mean, I understand marriage as that giving of yourself in a way you wouldn't to anyone else. Showing love in that way, and as long as you're both doing that, it works well.

Oh, I dunno, I'm feeling all conflicted now because Dh has done quite a bit in the house this past week because my arthritis has been quite painful, and now I'm wondering if I really should have done more.

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Pruners, yes, I do agree.

I think, on further reflection, that the reason this blogpost has concerned me is not the idea of giving lovingly, or even sacrificially at times, it's the idea that she was sinful and needed forgiveness for being at the end of her tether.

Which I suppose does make this a relgious thing after all. Hmm.

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Well, yes, the religious thing is interesting for the simple reason that it's the motivation for doing this.

I can't possibly express how much guilt I still have about not being like this with my Dh - it's like God is angry with me everyday.

The cerebral part of me acknowledges that it's a distorted motivation and result, but it's quite amazing what you can believe and disbelieve all at the same time.

"My feelings of exhaustion quickly vanished as I took my eyes off of myself and turned them towards the Lord and others."

Well take out the reference to the Lord and that statement is entirely true. Rightly or wrongly it works. And there are 2 people in that relationship who both matter. As long as it's not a one-way street.

But I'm not sure why he needed to forgive her 'graciously' or otherwise .

And I suppose the point is, if I saw this kind of behaviour from a non-religious person, I would think it quite a dangerous sort of relationship.