Very direct question to SAHMs - what if he leaves you?

[handlemecarefully]

I work part time but I am actively considering giving up. The children drive me nuts sometimes!, but I don't think Day Nursery is right for my youngest one (or indeed any kind of childcare that isn't me)

Although only part time it is a well paid job and keeps my foot in the door on the career ladder. I don't especially mind about binning my career - however my concerns are if our marraige was to break up x years from now after I have had several years as SAHM, how would I support myself and the children (okay so dh would be required to pay child support...). I can't imagine being able to find well paid work again in that situation after several years out of paid employment.

I am a super cautious person (boringly so)and I don't want this rather negative fear to prevent me from taking the plunge - but I do need to get my head around this...

Do the SAHMs amongst mumsnetters every worry about this and how you would manage if you and dp/dh were no longer together and the 'breadwinner' was gone?

leglebegle - I agree, I'm not saying my marriage is stronger than anyone's and there is nothing wrong with planning for if you did split up - nothing at all.

It's just that I don't worry about it and I just plan for our family as it stands now - I don't see divorce in my future but if it happens I'll deal with it. I won't die, I might just struggle. It's just my way of approaching it, but that's not to say anyone elses is wrong.

Like I said before, maybe I don't worry because although a SAHM I'm not really 'out of work' and I know I could easily get a job if I had to.

sorry this is so much later, I have had a shopping retail therapy day! I was actually thinking when I was out that maybe I am more cynical than some on here, and how nice it would be to have so much faith in your marriage that you never even contemplate divorce! Must be the lawyer in me to always think of the plan B. and actually there's no-one more like a 50's housewife than me. I actually made Nigella's love buns on valentines day, with sprinkled hearts and everything much better than a day in court if you ask me.

I've found this thread really interesting as I never thought that dh would every seperate and yet now I think this is about to happen I have just gone back to work part-time purely to try and build a new life for myself. The little money I earn covers ds nursery but nothing else. Everyday I'm worry about how I'm going to afford to live. I have no savings. no bank account of my own and most things are in dh's name. I wish now I'd thought about this but like many of you have said 'live for now' which is exactly what I did. DH and were very much in love and never for one minute did I ever think this would happen.

This thread reminds me, I used to be a legal secretary and in one office I worked in we had a divorce case where the wife had photocopied all the documents relating to her husband's pension, insurances, stocks and shares, assets etc, etc and she kept the copies in a box under the floorboards just in case. When the day came that they divorced he cried poverty and she brought out the box of papers. Brilliant!

Cranberry, I've just seen your post, sorry.

cranbery - sorry if this seems really patronising, but have you looked into your potential entitlement to tax credits as a single parent/help with childcare costs?

MS - not atall. My sister has finally persuaded me to see a solicitor to clarify my position. A friends also suggested I call the dss and speak to a 'Lone Parent' advisor. My dh has a good job and earns good money and have never thought of claiming anything apart from child benefit.It's things like' who pays for the cost of running my car? And who pays the bills? I'm only temping part-time so if ds is sick I get no money?
It's so scarry!

Sorry I feel like I'm hijacking this thread now

there is a lot more help available to single parents that work than there was a few years ago. you might find it useful to have a word with someone at the job centre as well as a solicitor. essbee and wobblyknicks are pretty well informed as to the detail of tax credits etc.

i continued the hijack - and the issue of benefits is very relevant to the subject of the thread - but if you are worried, you could start a new thread?

Cranberry - Huge hugs going out to you. I know all of us live for today people would be in a mess if the worst would happen, but the memories count for a lot... you got to enjoy being in love with no niggling doubts.

xxxx

So sorry Cranberry. I think this is the perfect thread to discuss your way ahead, btw. xx

So sorry to hear this cranberry. Thinking of you. I hope the solicitor can give some helpful advice.

Beatie- sorry if my posts contributed to your feelings of being patronised and belittled. Just to clarify, I don't think this issue has anything whatsoever to do with intelligence and I think it can only be decided by individual families on the basis of what works for them. However, if things do go belly up in a marriage, it really is generally the woman and any children who tend to suffer financially and a time when they are in any case incredibly emotionallly vulnerable, as you've already said. I do think outcomes become better quicker when women have a reasonable chance of finding a decent job if necessary.

Scummymummy - thanks for clarifying your position.

I just didn't care for the generalisation that all SAHMs will be up sht creek and all working mums will be OK. I don't think it is as clear cut as that. I am a SAHM who doesn't think I'd be up sht creek if my husband left me (no more than any other woman, working or not) And that's because, like hundreds/thousands of other SAHMs, my time away from work is only a short one. The chances of DH leaving me during that time are probably less than him leaving me in the unforseeable future.

As for working mothers, well, I know a few who don't have their name on the mortgage because they moved into a house already owned by their boyfriends and have not had their names added even though they have contributed to the mortgage since. I also know another working friend who has split with her husband and even though she is working, she's still up sh*t creek. Her DH is not paying her anything, not even half the nursery fees for their son that he always paid. Whilst I feel she is partly to blame for not seeking legal help and being too 'nice' about all this, it's still going to take a few years for her to get everything sorted out and to have the potential for a more fruitful life.

Not that you specifically made this generalisation Scummymummy I can't remember the specifics of your post.

I'm sorry cranberry to hear that you are going through this. I hope you can get the advice and support you need.

I do agree that a few years out of a job is just not an issue in this context in the general scheme of things, Beatie. Obviously it can affect promotion prospects/status but that is because of sexism, imo, and maybe also a lack of recognition of the skills involved in bringing up small children and running a house. However, I do think that in the event of break up things are probably most difficult for women whose entire identity is bound up with their roles as wife/partner and mother. Obviously it is a large and key part of identity for almost all women with husbands/partners and children and I am not suggesting for a second that most stay at home mums are not firmly their own people. Also, I'm not implying that the break up of a marriage/partnership is not likely to be hugely traumatic for everyone, regardless of identity issues. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I don't see this as a work v staying at home issue at all! However, I do think that in the slightly longer term women who start out with a strong sense of identity outside their homemaking roles- which may or may not be expressed in a job/career, hobbies, ongoing education, friendship networks or many other things- may be in a better position emotionally after break up, let alone financially.

Have any of our thoughts made any difference to your position, HMC? Sorry to witter on. Hope you find a good solution for you and your family.

My dh has just told me that women shouldn't make things too comfortable for their dh's/partners because then they might get taken too much for granted. Told him to shut up and make the lunch!

scummymummy - I think you put that perfectly. Very eloquent.

Leglebegle - I have a feeling that if I made lovebuns for my DH our marriage woul dbe sealed forever. ;) Sad but true. Don't go telling him there are wives who do such things

Cranberry, I have just rejoined this thread and v. sorry to hear about what you are going through. Things will be tough financially and I know so well the feeling of utter panic that comes over you when you finally realise the marrigage is actually over. As others have said you need to consult a solicitor asap to make sure you get the best possible deal for you and your children. I hope your family and friends are being supportive. At least you do have a way of making a living, this will be more and more important to you as time goes on. Much sympathy.

Thanks for all you kind words. I have a meeting with my solicitor on Friday who should be able to clarify my position, I'll keep you updated.It might help those of you have concerns about 'What would happen if....'.

It all seems very sureal at the moment.

Good luck with your meeting on Friday Cranberry.

Cranberry - I've been lurking and watching this thread and what you are going through is hard. This me be patronising but have you tried counselling or just plain talking to your dh without any distractions?

I went through something similar and it was hard at the time and much harder later. I had lots of good friends but now I look back they told me what I wanted to hear. They were and still are all with their dh and I just have a succession of relationships and none match my ex. I compare everyone to my ex and I hated him and it was only when looking for someone to share my life and be there for us did I realise how much I missed him and love him.

We still see each other and he has moved on. He's alone and I hate that I am too (I always try to look good and strong when we see each other). He tells me he still loves me and I wish he would sweep me off my feet and be everything to me again. I just can't tell him that - too stubborn.

Neither of us have enough money (we have twice the bills we had), I feel my family misses out when I look at my friends. I had a picute of being a strong single parent, I did it when I was younger. But now I'm older and I don't want that.

Be strong but don't be stubborn. Your friends will be good but they just want you to be happy and will say what they think is the right thing to make that happen.

i worried about this sort of thing untill my first,ball and chain left,and i found out i was so much stronger then i knew,i worked part time and family credit made up the rest, i was lucky enough to have mum close so she childminded for me, but dont entice bad karma by worring about something that could never happen