Very direct question to SAHMs - what if he leaves you?

[handlemecarefully]

I work part time but I am actively considering giving up. The children drive me nuts sometimes!, but I don't think Day Nursery is right for my youngest one (or indeed any kind of childcare that isn't me)

Although only part time it is a well paid job and keeps my foot in the door on the career ladder. I don't especially mind about binning my career - however my concerns are if our marraige was to break up x years from now after I have had several years as SAHM, how would I support myself and the children (okay so dh would be required to pay child support...). I can't imagine being able to find well paid work again in that situation after several years out of paid employment.

I am a super cautious person (boringly so)and I don't want this rather negative fear to prevent me from taking the plunge - but I do need to get my head around this...

Do the SAHMs amongst mumsnetters every worry about this and how you would manage if you and dp/dh were no longer together and the 'breadwinner' was gone?

I personally think we should all live life for NOW, and try not to worry about what the future may bring. None of us truly know what will happen in a year, let alone tomorrow, but the one thing I do think is I don't want to regret things in the future. For instance...put yourself ten years ahead....will you regret not taking advantage of being a SAHM. Some of financially HAVE to work, but if you don't, and really want to stay home, then do. Don't think "what if". If you go down that road, you could drive yourself crazy with all the other "what if's" there are!!!!

My answer is that the money would actually be the least of my worries. Not because I've got any, far from it, but the emotional devastation for me and dd would far outweigh my possible penury (is that the right word). If necessary I'd get any old job to bring in the pennies, I wouldn't worry about my status. This applies if dh got ill, etc too.

agree with psychomum, the "what ifs" are a bit chicken licken with the sky falling in for me...

PENSION PENSION PENSION PENSION

That's my worry. Without DH, I am fucked after I'm 65.

My father left my mother after 40 years of marriage - he cashed in the pension without her knowing so she was left with nothing. She spent her whole life bringing up the family.

I have thought about this as DH and I have had our ups and downs and my plan of action would be to sell the house split the profits from teh sale accordingly (I would then ahve enough dosh to rent somewhere until my youngest is at school fulltime so would still be a SAHM), DH would pay me maintainance (unless I cheated on him and really screwed him over he would generously support his kids and I am sure he would not diddle me), I would also hope DH would care for the kids 1/2 evenings p/week and at least one day on the weekend so I could work part time for extra money, plus benefits/tax credits and I think we would manage. We would have to give up the zoo membership and luxuries like that but we would cope, my Mum did and I know I can!!!!

Of course I would lose my foot on the property ladder but I would sacrifice that to continue to be at home for my kids. Also, I am an equal partner in my DHs business so I would have that asset to my name still.

If DH lost his job, then I would go to work and he would look after the kids or he would get a bloody job in Tescos if need be.

Only DP works but has quite a low paid job, sometimes I think we might even be better off both not working and claiming benefits, we seperated a few years ago for a while and for that time I seemed to cope considerably better financially speaking! Even though I am a SAHM, I've studied on various correspondence courses and with OU, to make sure that I'm not just doing nothing and becoming increasingly unemployable, once the kids are older, or godforbid me and DP ever separated for good, I would have at least decent qualifications behind me, even if I haven't had work experience for many years.

Hmmm. I guess we'd sell the family home, split the profits and buy 2 smaller houses. He'd pay the mortgages on both (that's what happened with his 1st wife), as his child support and I'd have to get a job. I'd be entitled to benefits (WFTC?) so paying to live wouldn't be a bowl of cherries but it would certainly be do-able.

I would trade him in for a younger model, then we would both be happy

This is a big issue for me as DP refuses to get married. My feeling is that he is specifically refusing to get married to avoid having to pay anything should we split.

As he already pays child support to his sons from his first marriage my DD wouldn't get much as his money is already allocated to his sons, and as we are unmarried I wouldn't get maintenance.

Being unmarried I also have no rights to his pension or life insurance in the future.

If I stop work to be a SAHM now then my career will go down the pan as I work in telecomms, which is fast moving and you have to stay up to date. There are very few women in my particular field as it is and definitely no part-time/flexible hours/creche (creche!! Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaaa Haaa Ha) type jobs full stop.

With no other financial safety net, no other family I don't see that I have much of a choice. I just don't think I can risk being out of the job market for too long. I took a year out when DD was born but I can't risk alienating my clients by turning down any work that is offered in the future.

This is such a big, scary issue for me and I just can't believe that DP doesn't see how not being married affects me, DD and our future.

I too have a secret squirrel offshore account for emergencies .

Oh yes, and as an international worker, I'm unlikely to be entitled to benefits. I certainly failed to get maternity pay out of any of the countries I worked in and paid NI to over the last 5 years.

Sorry to hear that your options are so limited Pinotgrigio. At least I have choices.....

lol at your offshore account pinot.

Has your partner signed a Parental Agreement with you? That does give you some joint rights.

You can also be specified as the recipient for his life insurance and pension if he dies - who is currently specified as this?

Id be snookered too! In a foreign country with 2 kids....I would kill him and get his life insurance!

He would never leave tho as he loves his family too much...he told me last night.

This is a very interesting thread and I hesitate to comment as I am not a SAHM. However a major reason why I can't contemplate stopping work is because I would feel extremely uncomfortable about being financially dependent on somebody else - not so much in the short term, but long term and especially into old age. DH earns considerably less than me and has MUCH worse pension provision and the idea of losing my income forever (or losing much of my earnings potential) feels extremely disempowering and scary. I would feel very insecure about my position whether or not the marriage survived (actually I don't worry at all about him leaving me and agree that the financial implications would be far less of an issue than the emotional ones).
Perhaps I'd feel differently if he earnt shedloads - but I'm not convinced.
hmc is this something that bothers you or just what would happen if he went? What about those of you who are SAHM?
(sorry for slightly hijacking thread but this is something I've always been curious about and since we're being direct about the financial implications of giving up work...)

I keep my hand in, just in case

I think it is important, as a woman, to consider your future finances but I certainly don't worry about it.

All our assets are in joint names. I'm entitled to part of DHs pension - plus we still pay into apension for me. We have savings that would cover us for a period of unemployment and if DH couldn't get a job and we were struggling, I'm sure I could do some temping for awhile and we could live on less.

I worry more about my DH dying and not for financial reasons (since we have life insurance). It would be more devastating to me to have to be a completely 'lone' parent than to have a divorced DH who could also take on his share of the parenting responsibility and I guess being a SAHM has nothing to do with that.

No, we haven't signed a parental agreement. How would that work if we split up?

Also, the nature of our international work means that declared incomes can easily be altered, which means that if we split up nastily I could end up getting next to nothing for DD if he chose.

I do keep meaning to get DP down to a solicitor to re-write wills, so at least if he dies I will get something. Right now I think his half of the house and money will go to his parents, who haven't spoken to us for 3 years, and so couldn't be relied on to provide for me and DD.

Without a parental agreement your DP has no parental rights over the child, even (in theory) would be unable to agree to medical treatment in a hospital etc.

I'm not sure it would really help if you split up though, other than being a legal indicator that he took full parental responsibility.

Sorting out wills - definitely. We've done that recently and it's a real weight off my mind.

mp - I thought that under recent legislation that unmarried fathers now had full parental rights as long as they were named on the birth certificate? I'd be interested to know if I'm wrong about this because I would beat him about the head with it in our next argument about marriage. .

pinotgrigio, i think there is planned legislation but not sure that it's actually in place yet re: unmarried parents

i just take the view that we won't ever split up.That's why we got married, to be together forever. Living life always worried about the what if must be hard work.

Elliott,

Yes I am a bit concerned about loosing some 'independence' by giving up work, not just the 'what if' scenario if we split.

But, I am coming around to the conclusion that since I am so unhappy with the current scenario (job I don't enjoy, and misgivings about paid childcare being the right option for ds), I ought to just take the plunge and be more philosophical about things rather than constantly preoccupy myself with 'what if' scenarios.

Not quite in the same scenario as you because dh is the big hitter in salary terms in our household.

Alexsmum - living life always worrying about the what if is hard work. Wish I could kick the habit but I think it is a personality trait.

I am surprised it is not a matter for more worry, or at least contingency, amongst so many of you, tbh. Finance, housing and poverty seems to become a serious problem v quickly indeed in separation, and I think some thought about a possible split is as important as some thought about a possible accident - and many of us do have life insurance etc (er..not me so i'm a bad example!).

I am not a SAHM, but I have done things like buy our house as 'tennants in common' with a covenant stating the amount I have put in in terms of deposit (because I had had a place before and put in more deposit), kept savings in my own bank account etc.

Though I'm not quite sure what other contingency planning you could do when your input into a partnership is time rather than cash. Someone must have an idea! HMC - could you continue to attend training seminars/courses to keep you updated with your line of work? Make a relevant volunteer committment that gives you professional development and keeps you in the networks (like join a board of a voluntary sector agency or trust or foundation for e.g). This would help you if you wanted to return to your line of work once the childre were older, anyway.

Gwenick - If you're married and / or the mother of joint children, it's v unlikely that you would have to move out of your house - even if the mortgage is in his name - AFAIK.

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