Very direct question to SAHMs - what if he leaves you?

[handlemecarefully]

I work part time but I am actively considering giving up. The children drive me nuts sometimes!, but I don't think Day Nursery is right for my youngest one (or indeed any kind of childcare that isn't me)

Although only part time it is a well paid job and keeps my foot in the door on the career ladder. I don't especially mind about binning my career - however my concerns are if our marraige was to break up x years from now after I have had several years as SAHM, how would I support myself and the children (okay so dh would be required to pay child support...). I can't imagine being able to find well paid work again in that situation after several years out of paid employment.

I am a super cautious person (boringly so)and I don't want this rather negative fear to prevent me from taking the plunge - but I do need to get my head around this...

Do the SAHMs amongst mumsnetters every worry about this and how you would manage if you and dp/dh were no longer together and the 'breadwinner' was gone?

that should be vast amounts not cast amounts...

HMC, I haven't read this thread but I intend to later (or in a minute if I can, children allowing), it's a fascinating subject. I earn more than dp and the idea is that I'm usually the main earner and he is a sahd. This is what we've done since April last year (dd born 2003, ds from ex dh is 7yo). He is working atm though, although we will swap as soon as something comes up for me. What worries me about any hypothetical separation is that as a sahd he would be very likely be awarded residence for our dd, since he will have been the main carer. I don't think we will split up so I mainly don't worry about it but it has crossed my mind, I have to say.

I left my husband when ds was 2 ( I was a sahm before this) and therefore was absolutely skint for the next 4 years. What saved me was the fact that I owned a flat in London in my name alone so I sold it and ds and I lived on the profit for ages. I wish I'd planned it better, had some savings. Now I have no mortgage, some debts from that time, and pay rent. Ex pays maintenance but it's not the same as his paying for housing etc as he would have done if I'd have stayed with him. So yes, I was financially in the shit as a result of leaving an unhappy marriage. And it would have been much much worse had I not had my flat to sell.

These are the times when I dislike Mumsnet - I always feel I have to be on the defensive about my choosing to be a SAHM - as if I have no feminist principles and have sold my soul to the 'man's world'.

I was desperately unhappy juggling work and family and studying. This is just my very personal circumstances. I have a very suportive husband so he couldn't have given anymore of his time to help out and it wasn't necessarily a physical time problem more a mental one.

Me being desperately unhappy was probably not contributing to a happy household. As soon as I stopped work all stress disappeared from my life and from our household.

So what was I supposed to do? Keep working, despite being miserable and bringing my misery to our household just so that I could say I was financially independent? Perhaps DH and I shopuld live in separate houses so that I can prove I can really live a totally independent life from him, just in case 'what if?' happens.

I resent the fact that I am being told I will be a 50 year old poverty striken singleton just because I have chosen to take 4/5 years out of the workplace. I have made the best decision that I could have made for our personal family circumstances. I still pay into a pension, I am involved in our joint finances, I do care about going back to work in the future. Please don't make me feel like a simpleton who has blindly given up all my own identity and chance of future financial gain on a whim to stay hom with my dd. Most people don't make these decisions lightly - that's why hmc is posing this question.

How can you make such generalisations about SAHMs? Are there stats. that say SAHM's are most likely to have husbands that leave them?

Ooooh - rant over. Sorry if I get anyone's back up but sometimes these posts have me reeling. I hate that it has to be SAHMs pitted against WOHMs.

Please read my post sensitively. I am pregnant and probably a tad hormonal at present

lol Twig and Iota at what would happen to your dhs if they left you! All of you who say you'd be ok with maintenance/divorced settlements if your marriages/partnerships broke up, are you aware of what a poxy amount this could be? I get maintenance for ds but it's a drop in the ocean, quite frankly. As was my settlement, compared to the six figure earnings I sacrificed to be a sahp for a while. And I get more in monthly maintenance than I'm legally entitled to. Pinotgrigio, you're right in that the position for sahms who aren't married is extremely precarious, I'm glad you've got a secret account and I'd be pissed off if I thought my dp wouldn't marry me for this reason. Good post Cam. Beattie, I've only skimmed the thread but I don't think anyone's slagging off sahms are they? Have I missed something? Interesting discussion. I'm also aware that I'll start hitting age discrimination in a few years (I'm 38atm).

Beattie, I think people are talking about worse case scenarios, I don't think they're slagging off sahms. (That 2nd line in my post should say divorce settlement, not divorced settlement btw)

ffs! WorsT case scenario.

No - not slagging off - but there's a negative undertone as if any intelligent woman would be mad to be SAHM because of having to sacrafice financial independence.

I honestly don't think there is beattie, I think people are just saying that should the worst happen (which was the question after all!), lots of sahms would be in a financially precarious position.

My Mum is always telling me should have a "running away" account (not very optimistic is she?!). At the moment I have about £20 in it which should just about cover a taxi to her place
TBH, I haven't read all the thread but I think I just assume he won't leave me - maybe naive or just trusting in our mariage vows?
Anyway, if he did I'd have him bumped off and claim his life insurance....

Actually, my faith in marriage was really shaken a year ago when one of my friend's husbands walked out on her and their 3 kids after 20 years together. She didn't see it coming at all. But since I earn more than dp it sort of isn't as relevant to us: if he left and took dd the finances would be fine, I'd work full time, ds would go to after school club, I'd pay dp maintenance (poxy amount compared to my earnings) for our dd and dp would be the one in penury tbh. But we don't have the huge assett of a house that most people have so it does change things slightly I suppose. Emotionally it would be devastating and I don't know what I'd do.

lol at your crap running away plan Tommy!

I think that those of us who are already divorced appreciate that all your dreams CAN come crashing to the floor.

I also know that I would not want to take revenge, no more than I did when my first marriage broke up (I am still very close to my ex-husband).

Having also witnessed the sudden collapse of my own parents' marriage after 40 years - leaving my mother with not much more than a small flat and a state pension - I am aware that in most cases it is the woman who pays the price for bringing up the family. I also believe that in general it is MUCH HARDER for an older woman to start a new relationship than it is for an older man to start one (and such a relationship of course gives you double the financial security).

So yes, me and DH love each other to bits NOW, but I could still end up alone at 65 with no pension and only a cat for company. Thinking that this only happens to other poor saps just makes the shock even worse if it happens to you.

Beatie - I'm glad its not just me that was starting to feel like no intelligent woman would be a sahm (and I'm not pregnant... always hormonal though!!!).

We don't have his and hers money, and we never have. Since we first started living together all money is "ours". Boy doesn't even know what we have most of the time because I handle it all.

The thought of siphoning off into an emergency escape account just sounds so so sad. I love Boy with all my heart, and yes I know that things can change, but I'm not going to plan for what to do if he leaves me - and I'm from divorced parents and left with serious jealousy and trust issues!!!

I plan to return to work when my babies are at school, and I fully expect to have to study. I hadn't started a "career" before babies, so I will do that after.

Oh, and I think of myself as a reasonably intelligent woman

WWW - I disagree - divorce is a crushing blow financially whether a SAHM or not.

For me, the worst thing that could happen would be my husband dying - even though we have life insurance. Whether I work or not, for the rest of my children's life I would be soley, financially responsible for everything. If my husband left me, that would not be the case.

Beatie, plenty of ex husbands DON'T contribute to their ex wives or children. It isn't always financially crushing for men who walk away. I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this.

I don't think anyone is saying that SAHMs are not intelligent women. For some families it might be the best or even only solution.
I personally could never be a SAHM for various reasons, but I would like to have the opportunity to if I needed/wanted to. Financially I can afford to be a SAHM as DH earns enough, but I don't want to loose my pension or ability to go back to work and get the same conditions as I have now in terms of flexi-hours.
I think just like working parents should demand cheaper childcare and more family-friendly, women should work towards it being more acceptable to stay home for a few years and return to work. Because surely what we are talking about is women who wants a few years at home, not their whole lives like 50s housewives?

OH but I LOVE being a 50's housewife - bring it on!

Actually Fairymum - you are right about my earlier post, you can have a middle ground - I'm lucky enough to have it too because I'm a SAHM but I work freelance from home. Again it's not ideal because I work a lot of evenings and weekends as well as while ds1 is in pre-school and the others nap - it's bloody exhausting but I'm not complaining as I realise it's a very fortunate position to be in. For not that many hours I'm earning more than a lot of people would in a full time job. I suppose that would be one of the reasons I'm not so worried - I've no intention of getting divorced but even if I did, I've never really 'left work' and I know, for various reasons, that it would be very easy for me to get a full-time job if I suddenly needed one.

However, I can still understand why people live with faith in their marriage and give up work altogether. To me it seems very odd to get married with that thought in your mind that it might all one day go tits up! I KNOW it might, but it just doesn't enter my head, I got married for life and if I didn't believe that was possible I wouldn't have done it.

Beattie, this is not a SAHM v working mum argument it really isn't. If you've taken it like that I think you really have read it wrong. The question was do SAHM's worry about splitting up and how you would manage if you and dp/dh weren't together. Just because some people are worried about it and some aren't doesn't turn it into an accusation that SAHM's are not as intelligent as working mum's. Honest! I am a SAHM and have been for the last 3 years. It is a really sensitive subject for me because I have been made to feel like you, that somehow I'm not as intelligent as my 'working' friends who just 'couldn't handle being at home' as if somehow I'm a moron, really gets my goat! The question was a valid one though and I really think that mums who choose to give up a significant part of their life to childcare (whether a joint one with dh or not) have a raw deal financially. I trust dh and don't mean to suggest otherwise but I don't forsee the future, and I'm cynical enough to believe that people change and things might not be so rosy 20 years down the line, or he could become injured. My Dh is a barrister so self employed, if he doesn't work he doesn't earn, yes we have critical illness benefit, but it only covers you for certain things. We could be up shit creek literally. Having considered that, I have decided to go back to work to take the burden off him (as he does really worry about it) and to share the finances. It does also make me feel more secure, but that's just me. I don't judge anyone who makes a different decision and I comletely respect SAHM's, I was just answering the question.

goblidigook, I'm not 'expecting' it all to go tits up, I just want to know I can survive if it did. don't think there's anything strange in that, to me it seems stranger to cross your fingers and think you're life is going to be the same as it was when you said your vows 20 years later! People change, some change together, some change. There's no shame in acknowledging that, and it doesn't mean anyone's marriage is stronger than mine!

this thread is great. I have always worried terribly about how I would cope without dh. I don't think I would have money problems, (I think our total assets amount to approx 1.5million) altho i would probably want to work for other reasons. What does worry me is I don't have a clue about things like paying tax, bills, well ....anything really. This thread has made me realise how much energy I have wasted pointlessly!!

OK Leglebegle - you worded your second post much better than the first. Thank you for your clarification. And WWW - I realise that a lot of women are left high and dry by their partners if they walk out on them and those women who have been SAHMs for a long time, and haven't any other assets in their name are going to find it harder to fall back on their feet.

Redsky - You could pay an accountant to sort out the bills and stuff if the unthinkable happened

Oh yes - and I have got my warm and cosy Mumsnet feeling back again.

I apologise for the temporary hijack of hmc's thread.