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Original poster

Very direct question to SAHMs - what if he leaves you?

172 replies

handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 11:26

I work part time but I am actively considering giving up. The children drive me nuts sometimes!, but I don't think Day Nursery is right for my youngest one (or indeed any kind of childcare that isn't me)

Although only part time it is a well paid job and keeps my foot in the door on the career ladder. I don't especially mind about binning my career - however my concerns are if our marraige was to break up x years from now after I have had several years as SAHM, how would I support myself and the children (okay so dh would be required to pay child support...). I can't imagine being able to find well paid work again in that situation after several years out of paid employment.

I am a super cautious person (boringly so)and I don't want this rather negative fear to prevent me from taking the plunge - but I do need to get my head around this...

Do the SAHMs amongst mumsnetters every worry about this and how you would manage if you and dp/dh were no longer together and the 'breadwinner' was gone?

OP posts:
pinotgrigio · 23/02/2005 14:35

Docket - DD is 2.2 now.

iota · 23/02/2005 14:38

Joanna - how very depressing -i was 44 when I stopped work to be SAHM.

Back to plan B of dh meeting with a nasty "accident" if he ever leaves me

oxocube · 23/02/2005 14:39

Yes, I worry about it. I would be screwed financially as we have no real savings, little equity in the house and there is not much chance of me finding a job as we don't live in U.K and I don't speak the local language. My background is in teaching but the money is so poor that it wouldn't even cover my kids' school fees!

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 14:41

Yes iota, me too - I am almost 37 and would be over 40 when pushing my way back into the world of employment.....oh dear

OP posts:
pinotgrigio · 23/02/2005 14:47

MorningPaper - You were right!!!

Quote:

If your child was born before 1st December 2003 and you were not married to the father of your child he does not automatically have PR even if he is named on the child?s birth certificate as the father. He can only obtain PR by either entering into a PR agreement with you (which must also be sent to the central family Court) or by the Court granting a PR Order.

I had misunderstood it as unmarried fathers automatically get rights after 1st Dec 03, not that the child had to be born after then.

Bwah Hah Hah. Oooh I'm sooo going to use this as an argument for marriage. Not that I'm entirely sure that I want to marry him any more, but how much fun would I have then if he asked me and I said "No, so nurrrr!" and did a mega flounce

Chandra · 23/02/2005 14:48

I have thought a lot about it, and yes I know 3 SAHM whose husbands died suddenly and all had or have a rhough time getting jobs even if those jobs paid only enough to pay for the mortgage of a smaller house and the more basic bills. They had to change their lifestyle considerably, and heir children needed to work to pay their mainteinace while at University, two of them could not even afford to stop working to go to study what they originally wanted to study (even when one of graduated with the best performance in the state).

So yes, I worry about it, our insurance would allow me to live well for some time (we can afford a more expensive one) but it won't last forever, and I'm specially worried now that after 4 yrs out of work it's has been impossible to go back, I can't go back to my career as my skills and knowledge are seriously out of date, I have considered jobs that don't require my expertise but I'm always turned down in the terms that I'm overqualified, I'm so tired of trying that I have been studying instead (which makes me even more overqualified but at least allows me to spend more time with DS). So if I were you, I would continue working part time, I'm sure there should be a nursery in town that can provide a nurturing environment for your DS to thrive in. It's only a few hours a week and he will go to school from 3.5 years onwards anyways.

Chandra · 23/02/2005 14:50

I meant we "can't afford a more expensive one"

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 14:53

Chandra,

I wish I had bitten the bullet and asked for a 2 year career gap when pregnant with ds. My work would have been hard placed to refuse. However that doesn't apply now I am back at work - not a chance of a career break.

Basically I don't mind dd attending Nursery - I think at aged 2+ they really do derive some benefit from the social aspects. But it really isn't right for baby ds. He wants me and only me. His sister was never like that.

OP posts:
Chandra · 23/02/2005 15:04

Then probably it's only matter of taking the plunge and hope it is not that difficult to go back. I'm sure that there are many other women who have no problem with it, and the posibilities of you being one of them are good

Best of luck in whatever you decide

Joanna3 · 23/02/2005 15:12

I agree, good luck with whatever you decide to do. And one final tip, all of the ladies I wrote about, said that the sex life had gone down hill in the years leading up to the split. Not always down to them either (men quite often seem to have midlife crisises, shame us mums can't do that as well but we need to keep things together for the kids as always). Anyway, just try and make sure your sex life remains O.K and things should be fine. I also suggest you make plans in the next couple of years so you can think about what job you want to go back to once the kids are all at school. Enjoy this time with your little ones, it goes so fast.

sunchowder · 23/02/2005 15:21

Dear Handlemecarefully, First I wanted to thank you for your glowing compliments on my postings in the way that you remember me. You have no idea how much that meant to me!

I feel for you here, I was able to negotiate working out of my home so I was at least able to be physically here for my daughter and then I hired someone to come in and help me for a few hours each day (so that I could appear professional on my calls). I carry the medical insurance for the family and I make a bit more than my DH, so for me it was difficult to consider a leave. I also have a fear of being supported financially for some reason...I am sure it is deep-rooted in not wanting to be resented on some level....my Dad made me feel like I was a drain (he was going through his mid-life crisis at the time, but it still felt terrible to me). I admire you wanting to weigh it out before you make the decision, I hope you don't consider it a personality flaw. We worriers have a place in the world! It is only when the worry paralyzes you from making the decisions that it is not so great!

Follow your heart, be gracious--it is a beautiful time for you to be with your babe. You will have to trust that you are bright and capable and that the opportunities will be there for you when you are ready to return to the workforce. It is difficult, sort of like a physical challange, not knowing the future or how you will land. It's all good HMC!

Slink · 23/02/2005 15:38

I don't worry about it, however before dd came along i was the breadwinner so was able to put money aside, so thats rainny day money but life is far to short to worry about these things.

Tinker · 23/02/2005 16:05

Sorry to butt in but, Blu, 'tenants in common'? Do you have any more info? I own this house, any money put down as a deposit for another will be mine. This has always made me a little uneasy. Not married, no plans to be but woudl like to know more about the tenants in common bit.

My old dad always told me to never rely on a man for money. I know it's not always straightforward but it would feel very odd to me not being able to support myself financially. You only have to look at the threads on here to see how many previosuly strong relationships have broken down.

Gobbledigook · 23/02/2005 16:05

I think Sunchowder's final para is great and I wholeheartedly agree.

Do what is right for you now hmc - your worst fears will likely never happen and you don't want to look back and regret not doing what you really wanted to when ds was little.

I'm all for some planning but you can't plan for everything, sometimes you have to make decisions based on the here and now and just deal with life as it comes. That's my attitude anyway.

iota · 23/02/2005 16:08

Tinker, tenants in common can own various proportions of the home and can leave their share to whom the wish in their will. Joint tenants own the house as a joint thing , so if one dies the other automatically inherits.

Tinker · 23/02/2005 16:12

Thanks iota. Presume your solicitior would do this at same time as buying the house? Only thinking about it...

iota · 23/02/2005 16:14

dh and I were joint tenants, but made wills last year and solictor advised the change to tenants in common for inheritence tax planning reasons

iota · 23/02/2005 16:16

definition here moneycentral.msn.com/taxes/glossary/glossary.asp?TermID=345

Joanna3 · 23/02/2005 16:26

It all goes in the pot if you are married so don't worry if you are T in C or Jt Ts. JT passes outside the estate for IHT purposes and automatically goes to the survivor. If you are living in a property owned solely by your dp you may possibly be able to establish an interest in it but need to show evidence that that was what was intended, e.g contributions to mortgage, improvements to property, deposit. It is much harder and of course you need to find £ to consult solicitors etc. This is why getting married is such a good deal for women and such a bad one for men who have any money!! I'm surprised any business owner/high earner want to get married at all these days. Lets face it however, for most of us not married to rich men this is not a big concern however.

Tinker · 23/02/2005 16:28

Thanks Joanna and iota. It'd be my money that bought the house, hence no rush to get married

iota · 23/02/2005 16:31

Joanna3 - we were doing the scenario of if both parents die together and the children inherit - with today's property values you don't have to be rich for IHT to kick in

Joanna3 · 23/02/2005 16:41

Yes, it does make sense. Husband to wife transfers are of course exempt from IHT. The only thing to be aware of is that you are signing part of your property away to the children. Fine at the moment but when they are older, it is of couse theirs to do what they want with. If the children wanted their share at 18 they could force a sale. This is very far fetched but obviously they could fall in with the wrong crowd/person etc. This is very much worse case scenario however. It is normally more of an issue with older people who sign part of their house away.

paolosgirl · 23/02/2005 16:42

I haven't read all the threads here, but it's one of my reasons for staying in the workplace. I get a lot of comfort from the fact that if anything ever happened to my dh, I would be able to support my family. This happened to a friend of mine, who to this day is glad she kept working - she increased her hours to cope financially.

I know we have insurance etc, but it's the long term and the day to day that my working would pay for. If he ever decided that he didn't want to be in the marriage, then I wouldn't 'screw him for every penny' - I'd make sure that the kids had a roof over their heads and he continued to pay for towards their upkeep, but wouldn't dream of having him support me.

iota · 23/02/2005 16:43

don't worry Joanna - wasn't going to let the kids inherit direct - the money would go into a trust til they were old enough

Steppy1 · 23/02/2005 16:51

havn't read all the threads here...if he left I'm afraid I would screw the b for every penny..I gave up a very high profile career for the little ones with absolutely no regrets, and am trying to build up a couple of businesses whilst looking after the little ones (plus the home plus him)....still would be a nice thought that I would then have the option of taking up with a toy boy (I'm in my 40"s ) lose shed loads of weight...priority though would be for my little ones as they have a fab relationship with DH, but having been through marriage breakdown with first husband (no children thankfully) real believer that you never truly know what the other person is thinking