Very direct question to SAHMs - what if he leaves you?

[handlemecarefully]

I work part time but I am actively considering giving up. The children drive me nuts sometimes!, but I don't think Day Nursery is right for my youngest one (or indeed any kind of childcare that isn't me)

Although only part time it is a well paid job and keeps my foot in the door on the career ladder. I don't especially mind about binning my career - however my concerns are if our marraige was to break up x years from now after I have had several years as SAHM, how would I support myself and the children (okay so dh would be required to pay child support...). I can't imagine being able to find well paid work again in that situation after several years out of paid employment.

I am a super cautious person (boringly so)and I don't want this rather negative fear to prevent me from taking the plunge - but I do need to get my head around this...

Do the SAHMs amongst mumsnetters every worry about this and how you would manage if you and dp/dh were no longer together and the 'breadwinner' was gone?

I work part time,but dh earns vastly more money than I do.I don't worry so much about death/illness,because financially we are pretty well covered for those eventualities.But,if he left me,I'm not sure what I'd do (apart from hunt him down & do unspeakable things to him).The mortgage is in both our names & I paid for all the DIY/Work that we have done,ie new kitchen,rewiring carpets ect.However,as I am not a taxpayer due to low earnings,all our savings are in my name & he can't touch them.I couldn't afford a mortgage on my earnings & would struggle to afford rent.Hmmmmm something to think about.........

That sounds like a good idea. IHT is such a rip off now. A distant relative inherited £200K 10 years ago (at 18) and just wasted it all dropping out of college in the process. It would have been much better if he had come into the money at 21 or 25. NOT something I ever had to worry about!! I have already made it clear to my dd that she needs to work hard at school so she can earn enough to support herself. My ds will be told the same when he is old enough to understand.

My being a SAHM is a joint decision made between my DH and myself. He was happy for me to work (and I used to work p/t) but is equally happy that I have chosen to give up work - he probably prefers it (not that I'm a have dinner on the table or a clean house kind of wife

If he were to leave me, and I had done nothing wrong to aid the split, I cannot imagine him wanting to leave me and our children in financial ruin.

Whilst it is not his responsibility to support me when we're no longer married, I'd expect him to acknowledge that I made a sacrafice in leaving work to care for OUR children and so I would expect him to make sure I was taken financially care off - as well as the children - for the short term at least.

We're all going to have different viewpoints on this. It all goes back to why men aren't expected to make these choices and sacrafices when they become fathers.

Streppy, good news is that there are loads of young guys around so I am sure you would not be short of offers if the worse came to the worse. HOWEVER, they all appear to be skint and good sex does not put a meal on the table. (It does give you a grin on your face when you come down to breakfast however!!). Quite agree with you about never really knowing what the other person is thinking. You don't really appreciate it this until you have been through a big relationship breakup however.

Hi J3..think I'd much rather be "taken over the kitchen table" (shock) (if you know what I mean !) then getting dinner on the table for a young man. I think it's my age, having hit 40 I think I've turned into one of those women who oogles yooooung meeeen !!!! (David Beckham withought the conversation any day of the week if you will !)

Oh dear, so what have we got so far: us married sahms must make sure that hubby never has to go looking for "it" elsewhere; better add a nice hot dinner to that when comes home in the evening; oh and of course, must keep the house clean so he wants to come back at all, etc, etc. For unmarried sahms: same as above but buggered anyway if he leaves as he has no legal obligations to support you, only the children.
God, is this how far we have moved from the 1950's? What was all that bra-burning for in the 60's and 70's? Oh, I know, so we could get jobs and support ourselves and our children (and still do all of the above). Back to square one.

Yep - I'm afraid that whatever we do it's always going to be hard being a mother. None of the choices we make are ideal - they are all bloody tough ones. It's Hobsons choice really isn't it - you can either ditch your hard earned career and stay at home to bring up your children, some of the time wondering what the hell you'll do when they don't need you anymore or you can carry on with your career and sacrifice 40+ hours a week with your children and no doubt at some point feel terrible for it.

Who'd be a woman eh!?

It doesn't have to be like that though. There is a middle groud. I work full time, but I also spend time with my children (about 4 hours a day), have dinner with them every night, put them to bed etc. Their dad is with them for breakfast in the mornings, so they don't spend 10 hours in nurseries a day. With more flexi-working and fathers getting more involved etc etc.....it can be possible to have it both. I know I am very lucky with my arrangements, but I wish more parents had this opportunity to combine work with also having a life. Non-parents too of course. I think one of the main problem is the culture of long working hours in the UK. No more efficient, people just spend longer doing their work.

I totally agree. Women's pay also has to be increased too though. My DH is in a job which would be easy for him to do part time for a few years but him working full time earns us about a third more than if both of us worked part time.

I really see your point Cam and agree that the situation is wrong. However I do work at my marriage because I want it to work for myself and my kids. I, personally, think the ideal is for children to be brought up by two parents with a good relationship. I am not saying that being brought up by two parents with a bad relationship is better than them splitting up. But I think I have a responsibility towards my children to try and maintain a good relationship with their father.

Obviously if we split up our standard of living would suffer because two households cannot be maintained on the same money as one. But I am not a SAHM so do not have the same issues as others on the thread. It has made me think however and I thought that all of our money was held jointly but have now realised that this is not the case. We have an ISA in my name which is supposed to be saving up for my next car (car also in my name, DHs is a company car). If the worst happened I could use the money and not buy a new car.

Haven't read all this thread (too looooooooooong), but to go bakc to HMC's original question - if you want to give up work and you (and dh) can afford it - do it......you can't know what is in the future -
I am the breadwinner, I left a good job in Sept last year to go to a new job. I have had to resign (long, angst-ridden story), but in short it was I resign, or eventually (ie when probabtion was up) I'd have my contract terminated. So here we are with a mortgage and me trying to find work - I didn't know this wouold happen, but we are going to have to deal with it......I do understand your reservations (I'm very like you...), but think I'll now be freelancing (somethng I have threatened to do for YEARS, but was too sacred to do...)
Oh for a crystal ball

I've been reading this thread on and off and wanted to join in.

I gave up work because I couldn't bear to leave my baby, and we could just about afford to scrape by (some months do involve lots of beans on toast). I am not going to lose this precious time with my baby on "what ifs".

If something were to happen to Boy, then everything would have to change anyway. I would deal with it then.

good post cam

its like saying 'oh shall I buy this new coat - I might get run over tomorrow and I won't get my wear out of it'

just do it girl!

Hmm...except it isn't really the same. Whilst I understand why some women are SAHMs, I certainly don't understant why they don't worry about their financial situation/independence. I think if they don't worry themselves, the policy-makers should worry for them and do something to prevent millions of SAHMs living in poverty later in life. Also, I am not so worried about myself. I worry about my children. I want to be able to take care of them, pay for them through uni etc etc.

HMC - this is an interesting thread. It's a hard decision to make about work. I am a semi-SAHM, in that I work part-time, freelance and what I bring in adds to the coffers, but not a huge amount. If dh were to leave my life would have to change pretty radically, however I know that I am strong enough to manage somehow. That's all I need to know and that stops me fretting about something that I can't ever imagine happening.

My only other thought is that in a couple of your other posts you seemed happier at work than at home - are you sure being a full-time sahm is right for you? Or is it the juggling of kids/work that makes you feel down sometimes? Sorry if I'm being too personal.

to be honest - I know it is not going to happen - call me niave etc but I am positive that dh would never leave me and the girls. I guess I am confident in our relationship and his commitment to it. Given that we have been through some very tough times with our dd1 - and survived more committed than ever to each other and our family.

but wouldn't you like to be able to support yourself if the unthinkable happened? we don't have a crystal ball in life, and yes we all said our vows but life just isn't like the tv and films say it is. sometimes people do unthinkable things and I didn't go to law school to be left high and dry at aged whatever if he had a mid life crisis and ran off with the nearest 20 year old. I love dh, and he loves me but I'm not planning my future on blind faith. this is the main reason I am going back to work this summer, I've had 2 babies in 3 years and its time to start getting some financial independence back. My dh is incredibly generous but I want to know my skills are still there and I can support myself and my boys if the unthinkable happened. that's why I went to law school after all. call me old fashioned but I wouldn't want any maintenance for myself if we split, only for the boys, and I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on dh's ability to earn. what if something happened to him and he became redundant. I think its important to take responsibility for your own financial future and not link it to someone else's.

My mum was most emphatic that it's a bad move to rely on a man for money too, Tinker.

HMC- what kind of career are you in, do you enjoy it and how long are you considering taking out? I think it's possible to take a few years out and return successfully but maybe it depends what kind of work you do and how in demand you are as a professional? I always fear most for women who have no experience or skills to bring to the workplace and thus need to start from scratch at a time when they are feeling terribly vulnerable.

I do agree with your last sentence, leglebegle. I've always felt that was important for me. Much harder for some people to do than others though. And I'm still always tempted to ask my Dad for a tenner when money gets tight so I'm not really in a position to come out strongly on this one!

HMC, I've found quite a good selection of short courses and night courses quite local to where I live. I hadn't really considered the part they might play in the practicalities if DH and I split up. It just keeps my mind active and staves off the lonliness! But, I imagine they may help if I did have to return to work suddenly.

again - it is not blind faith - it is knowing that our relationship has been tested with our dd1 and other circumstances and yet we have survived and are stronger than ever as a family and as a couple.

I also have learnt in dealing with the problems and situation with my dd1 that you cannot live your life dealing with what ifs..... more often than not they do not eventuate and you have consumed cast amounts of energy worrying about that rather than getting on and living life and dealing with things as they happen rather than imagining what could happen.