Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Very direct question to SAHMs - what if he leaves you?

172 replies

handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 11:26

I work part time but I am actively considering giving up. The children drive me nuts sometimes!, but I don't think Day Nursery is right for my youngest one (or indeed any kind of childcare that isn't me)

Although only part time it is a well paid job and keeps my foot in the door on the career ladder. I don't especially mind about binning my career - however my concerns are if our marraige was to break up x years from now after I have had several years as SAHM, how would I support myself and the children (okay so dh would be required to pay child support...). I can't imagine being able to find well paid work again in that situation after several years out of paid employment.

I am a super cautious person (boringly so)and I don't want this rather negative fear to prevent me from taking the plunge - but I do need to get my head around this...

Do the SAHMs amongst mumsnetters every worry about this and how you would manage if you and dp/dh were no longer together and the 'breadwinner' was gone?

OP posts:
Evesmama · 23/02/2005 13:33

similar happend to friend of dp, his wife had an affir and although she told him to move out, because they were married and had a dd, he was obliged to keep a roof over her(dd's) head and she got the house!

wouldnt help me though cos think its just if your married?

FairyMum · 23/02/2005 13:34

Well, I wouldn't say I constantly worry about splitting up or something horrible happens. I don't think it's helpful to yourself to have a "it won't happen to me"-attitude though. It does happen to people. Look at the divorce rate. They probably all thought that when they got married. I know the work/not to work is complicated, but I personally think it will be a group of women who will live close to poverty or be dependant on the state in their middle/older-age because they took years out to spend time with their kids. I think this is very unfair on women as men can have familes and carry on their careers a lot easier it seems.

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 13:35

Blu - thanks I think that is the way to go. I would endeavour to keep up my 'skills' in various ways (I probably have the right credentials to be considered as a school governor for example)....

OP posts:
Original poster
handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 13:37

I'm a bit fearful of the scenario you describe Fairymum - must admit!

OP posts:
Beatie · 23/02/2005 13:43

It must be a financial strain for any divorced/separated parent(working or not) who has the children residing with them... surely?

elliott · 23/02/2005 13:48

fairymum I think the scenario you describe is already reality for many women. I think subconciously it is this issue that makes it very hard for me to see myself as a non-earner - I've always assumed that the best way to guarantee your standard of living is to make sure you can earn it. I honestly can't imagine what it would be like to be genuinely superfluous as a breadwinner (possibly rather nice in some ways ).
But like bundle I'm fairly surprised that this isn't a bigger worry for more women (not just SAHM but most women who take quite a big earnings hit from childrearing whether or not they stop earning completely)

Enid · 23/02/2005 13:49

I have sorted my finances, made sure I know how to mend a leak and look after my car and made sure I am still employable. Paranoid, me?

rickman · 23/02/2005 13:50

Message withdrawn

rickman · 23/02/2005 13:52

Message withdrawn

Enid · 23/02/2005 13:53

and I have 'running away money'

rickman · 23/02/2005 13:54

Message withdrawn

Blu · 23/02/2005 13:55

Beatie - exactly, becaue if you have to return to work or be a single parent, there are childcare costs to pay which are a new expense, or before were shared, etc etc.

wordsmith · 23/02/2005 13:56

HMC - You're right to consider all the 'what ifs' before you make a decision, but if we always acted on them then we'd never do anything - I would never have gone self-employed, for a start, or even have had kids! IMO if you are unhappy with your work and can afford to take time off to care for your child full time, then do it! You can always try and keep in touch with your line of work through subscribing to relevant journals, taking refresher courses etc so you can go back if and when you want to (not that it will be easy - but nothing ever is!) And as to your initial question - what if he ever leaves you, well I woudl be more worried if I were your DH than if I were you, HE is the one who would suffer financially more than you, as he would have to pay for 2 homes etc. You would probably even find yourself better off not working than working in that situation. But like others have said, don't worry too much about it - if DH and you both want you to stay at home with your child, then do it!

fairyfly · 23/02/2005 13:58

mmm,, he did, stinks, had to go to college, hate leaving my boys, what if anything though, we can all amange if needs be

elliott · 23/02/2005 13:59

rickman, about as comfortable as I do about relying on dh I will admit though that he is a better provider

docket · 23/02/2005 14:00

Pinot, am in same position as you and am starting to wonder why I'm putting up with it. I think once you have a child together it's a bit insulting to refuse to make the commitment and 'keep your options open' and makes me quite fearful for the future.

Best start squirelling, eh

MistressMary · 23/02/2005 14:02

More fool him, if he did.
Serioiulsy though

I would carry on to the best of my ability.
I am in a relationship with him, not joined at the hip with him. I can carry on living my life as he will.
Hence why we pursue our own interests and am encouraged to be independant as possible.

pinotgrigio · 23/02/2005 14:06

Docket - completely agree. I think it is unforgiveable that he's prepared to do this to me and DD. Unfortunately DP only did a U-turn on the wedding AFTER I got pregnant. If we didn't have DD I would have left him, but right now I'm undecided about whether to leave him or not for DD's sake.

FairyMum · 23/02/2005 14:07

Yes, but my DH would be responsible for the children, not for me. So when the kids moved out, I would be pretty stuffed not having had worked for years. I suppose it depends what field you are in and what kind of job you'd consider doing. No offense, but I would not want to work in Sainsbury's for the rest of my life for example. You don't get a shared pension if you are divorced either, do you?

docket · 23/02/2005 14:12

How old is your daughter Pinot? I think I would leave my partner for his stance but feel like i should make things work for the sake of our 4 month old son. Then again, shouldn't he agree to marry me for the same reason!? I have dropped hints about his lack of rights over ds but they seem to go unheeded. Does anyone know if there is a website or something that spells it out?

Beatie · 23/02/2005 14:14

I'm a SAHM and only planning to stay out of the workforce for 5 years max. I don't think this puts me in a position of potential future poverty.

I know what you are saying Fairymum but I think it probably depends on what level of education women have reached before they decide to have children. Not that it is the difning factor as I know a few women whose husbands have left them high and dry and it has then motivated them to go back to college.

I guess I just don't see that taking myself out of the workforce for 5 years is going to spell doom and gloom for my future - even if my DH left me. The pension thing does bother me though and that is why 'we' still pay into mine. If DH and I stay together he benefits from it too.

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 23/02/2005 14:19

Yes, perhaps if you are a resourceful and energetic/ determined woman with good qualifications and experience you could get back into a good job after only a few years at home

I'd like to think so

OP posts:
FairyMum · 23/02/2005 14:24

I think it definatly depends on the field you are in. I have friends who are teachers who quite happily ahve taken a few years off and go back as supply teachers and then ease their way back in when they are ready. My sister is a nurse and has done similar. I am in a male-dominated profession where I once lost my job while on mat leave and I wouldn't even dare say the word "extended" in front of mat leave.......
I do think it should be easier for women to take a few years off if they wanted AND return and this is seen as something positive. Maybe that will happen for my great grand children?

Beatie · 23/02/2005 14:31

hmmm hmc - did you say energetic? Now you have me worried

Joanna3 · 23/02/2005 14:35

Only read part of this thread but found it really interesting. I guess it mainly depends on the state of your marriage. However I have to say that I was SOO grateful that I stayed on at work part time. My dh left me and whilst he does support the kids my salary has been absolutely vital in helping us maintain a certain standard of living. It is not until you are responsible for all the finances that you realise how much you need just to have an averagely nice lifestyle (e.g a meal out once a month, a cheap summer holiday etc). Also what will you do for a pension later in life? I have seen several women in their forties round here being dumped by their dhs for a younger model (and they were all lovely, attractive ladies who were and are fantastic mothers) now they are in their mid/late forties and find it very very hard to get back into work. If you stop work for a while in your late twenties/early thirties and then return a bit later it does not appear to be so hard. It is once you pass 40 that it seems to get very difficult. Divorce rate is around 45% I believe so it always pays to keep your options open, especially if (at the back of your mind) you fear you might fall into the 45% category. For those of you in a happy marriage, I must say I envy you. It must be lovely to have a supportive loving dh/dp and whatever anyone says this is best for the kids. I just would not want to be in a position where I had to stay with someone for the money. That would be terrible.