In law’s don’t visit- but am I in the wrong?

[Pumpkin101358]

Hello,

so basically our son is 18m old and my partner’s mum and dad very very rarely visit our son… it got to the point it’s now causing conflict between me and my partner and I’d like some outside advice

Partners family live 25 mins away and they both drive, his mum has just had over 3 weeks off of work but hasn’t seen my son over Christmas at all! But it all dates back from early this year they had booked a family holiday with their other young grandson (6 months between our son and him) and not invited our son but they covered this up until my partners sister accidentally let it slip (which to me shows they know that it’s wrong). So as you can imagine I was not very happy that their other grandson was included but our son wasn’t- but I let that slide….

i must add though that my partners mum does watch our son whilst I work once every other week… which I am grateful for but they believe this is enough!

it was once over 8 weeks whilst I was on maternity leave that they hadn’t seen our son for, my partner raised this with them and they said they would change… but they haven’t.

the icing on the cake for me was when my partners sister, who works in a nursery setting, had RSV going around the nursery which her son also attends and I stated I didn’t want them to see our son whilst his mum was watching him to protect our son…. His mum also knew this but we later found out that his mum had let his sister and their son around ours that day which I was furious about!

all of these things added up and not seeing our son over Christmas (they did give him presents but I’d rather them visit than give presents!) I’ve said to my partner I do not want him to take our son around to their house on New Year’s Day and my partner believes I am in the wrong?

am I being petty or would you think I’m being fair?

So you complain they don’t see your child enough, and your ‘punishment’ is to keep him away from them? Right.

How many days/hours do they watch your son for?
Did you have a good relationship with them before you got pregnant?
Is their dd going on holiday with them, or is it just them and their grandchild?

You can’t force them to have more contact! Did you contact the MIL and arrange a meet up while she was on leave?
you sound unhinged tbh, trying to punish someone who provides free childcare for you and spends plenty of time with the child!!

also why can she not spend time or holidays with the other grandchildren? I’m not surprised they tried to hide it from you judging from this post.

its not that, it’s the fact my son doesn’t really recognise who they are and I’d much rather him be around my side of the family who he knows and enjoys being around on an important day like New Year’s Day.
and they only see him when he is brought around to them

If your partner’s mother looks after him regularly while you work, surely your child ‘recognises’ her?

They don’t make an effort to visit you but apart from the one day mil watches your son while you work do you make an effort to visit them?

it works both ways.

my in-laws never made an effort to visit our children but we still visited them, if we were busy we didn’t visit and made other arrangements for a later date. Some people don’t like visiting other people,

I also wouldn’t want my young baby going on holiday with grandparents without me,

Eh? He doesn’t know who they are but his grandma watches him every 2 weeks?

So they see him every two weeks and help you with childcare?

YABVU.

And as a general thing if family members watching a child you can’t dictate who they see and what they do because of infection worries. If you are worried about this you can a) stay home yourself or b) pay a nanny who is your employee and you treat them as such. You can’t treat family members like staff.

My partners mum watches him once every other Thursday for 6 hours (but there’s quite a few weeks every now and then that I’m on annual leave or Christmas holidays etc she doesn’t have him as I am off of work anyway) he screams hysterically when left with her which he doesn’t do with my mum who sees and has him more regular and my Nana who has him the opposing thursdays. And my partner once told me she had been leaving him to cry at the door when he was on the phone to her and had to explicitly tell her to comfort him. Hence I’m very nervous leaving him with her now

i can already see this thread will be a mumsnet classic.

OP: AIBU?
mumsnet: yes. YABU.
OP: no I’m not!!!!

• You are pissed off they didn't take your then 12m old baby on holiday.
• You tried to ban the woman from seeing her DD on the off chance she may have an illness from work.
• You don't want them to see your child tomorrow because they haven't seen your child recently.
• MIL has him fortnightly but that seemingly doesn't count.

You sound very weird and very precious. When you split up from your partner, he'll be taking your child round to his mum's whenever he wants, so they will get contact then I guess.

You are correct

To add about the holiday situation-

it was my partners mum and dad who had booked and paid for a holiday for their daughter, her partner and their son.

There was no mention of this to us until his sister accidentally mentioned it.. it was all very covered up

Then stop leaving him there and pay for childcare.

This . They sound like they don’t like your parenting style. It’s tricky but some would be happy to see less of their in laws. I’d let your partner take your child while you have some time to yourself.

How often do you do things with them or do you just use them for childcare? How did you get the Christmas presents? Did you invite them round for any time round Christmas?

sorry but YABU here. People can go on holidays who they want to. I go on holidays with my DM, I don’t need to mention my holidays to my siblings. If they want to have a holiday with DM they can arrange it themselves. Do you want to go on holidays with MIL?

It’s up to them how much they want to see your child, ESPECIALLY if they give you free childcare. My PIL would never see our daughter if we didn’t take her over there, and they live 3 mins away. It’s their choice, they’re not obliged to see your child at regular intervals.

Do you want to go on holiday with them?

He sees them every other week?
Your OH will be there with him?
You want them to have more of a relationship with your son?

Youre being irrational

But, so what? Your partner’s parents can go on holiday with any of their children — it’s not an all or nothing situation. And truly, as you clearly dislike them so much, and don’t trust them around your child, would you have wanted to go on holiday with them anyway? Your OP seemed to be suggesting you were disappointed ‘they hadn’t invited our son’, but surely you wouldn’t be sending an 18 month old off solo with someone you claim he doesn’t even recognise?

Of course your in-laws can go on holiday with other people without you - what an utterly entitled idea!! It doesn’t sound like you’d want to go on holiday with them anyway - why should they use their holiday time (and money!) to holiday with people they clearly don’t get on that well with.

Your reasons for not wanting your partner to take your son to see them are petty and weak.

last year and years prior to our son, we regularly visited them (every weekend) but we lived with my parents still so absolutely understood why they couldn’t visit us but we thought this would change when we moved into our own house and they would visit like we have the many years before. We continued the weekend visit every other week after moving into our own place in the hope they would reciprocate the other weekend but this never happened and eventually we stopped visiting them.
she gave us the presents on the Thursday she watched him 2 weeks before Christmas.
the original plan was she was going to come around Christmas Eve which we were utterly shocked to hear but ofcourse said yes absolutely…. Then she cancelled 2 days before which we found out was to go out drinking with friends.

Your MIL is allowed to spend more time with her daughter and her grandchild than she does with her DIL and that grandchild. I'm a MIL and this absolutely doesn't bother me, most daughters gravitate towards their own mother for support and advice. You do too.

I wouldn’t stop your partner taking your child to see them because otherwise that doesn’t make you any better than what you’re moaning about with them.
Six hours every other week is quite a lot I think!
You don’t sound as if you like your in-laws very much.

I would have imagined they’d have invited their son (my partner) at least with our son. He wouldn’t have been left alone with them anyway