In law’s don’t visit- but am I in the wrong?

[Pumpkin101358]

Hello,

so basically our son is 18m old and my partner’s mum and dad very very rarely visit our son… it got to the point it’s now causing conflict between me and my partner and I’d like some outside advice

Partners family live 25 mins away and they both drive, his mum has just had over 3 weeks off of work but hasn’t seen my son over Christmas at all! But it all dates back from early this year they had booked a family holiday with their other young grandson (6 months between our son and him) and not invited our son but they covered this up until my partners sister accidentally let it slip (which to me shows they know that it’s wrong). So as you can imagine I was not very happy that their other grandson was included but our son wasn’t- but I let that slide….

i must add though that my partners mum does watch our son whilst I work once every other week… which I am grateful for but they believe this is enough!

it was once over 8 weeks whilst I was on maternity leave that they hadn’t seen our son for, my partner raised this with them and they said they would change… but they haven’t.

the icing on the cake for me was when my partners sister, who works in a nursery setting, had RSV going around the nursery which her son also attends and I stated I didn’t want them to see our son whilst his mum was watching him to protect our son…. His mum also knew this but we later found out that his mum had let his sister and their son around ours that day which I was furious about!

all of these things added up and not seeing our son over Christmas (they did give him presents but I’d rather them visit than give presents!) I’ve said to my partner I do not want him to take our son around to their house on New Year’s Day and my partner believes I am in the wrong?

am I being petty or would you think I’m being fair?

Relationships with grandparents vary a lot, I have a 3 year old and he has 3 grandparents. My parents are divorced, I see my dad the most out of the grandparents, usually once or twice a month, sometimes he comes to us and sometimes we go to him, he lives closest and shows the most interest but never makes the plan, he always waits for an invite. Then there's my mam who we see 2nd most often, she reaches out about once every 6 weeks unless I make a plan with her, she'll come to us or we go to her, she's not very involved with him when we see her even though my son is always excited to see her. Then there's my MIL who we've seen maybe twice this year, it's awkward as hell because it's a forced relationship but we want to allow a relationship with our child, we usually meet somewhere neutral rather than at our houses, she's very enthusiastic towards our son though!

Three grandparents, very different experiences. You can't force people to be more involved or more interested if they aren't. You also can't expect to be treated equal when your relationship isn't equal to your SIL.

If I was you I'd still see them at regular intervals but maybe stop the childcare if you aren't comfortable with it.

I think, judging by your posts, it might be you they’re avoiding?

YABU for incorrect use of an apostrophe. It is "in laws".

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with you either. You sound like very hard work.

Not “too nervous” to rely on the free childcare though, eh?

You are just making excuses - YABU, the only thing that is irritating is the holiday, the rest is pretty trivial.

Grandparenting doesn't immediately confer some desire to dote on babies. I love my grandchildren and like to see them but I have a life outside and around my kids and their children. I think your MIL giving up six hours a fortnight to care for your DS shows that she loves him, but maybe she's not that big on kids? And her DD is around when she sees her child so she's not left in sole charge - which is a big thing as you get older and the rules seem to change daily on what you should or shouldn't do with children.

I'm not a small child person, despite having had five of my own and prefer to see GC with their parents until they get to about eight. Maybe your MIL is like me?

Well, surely you can see why the PIL wouldn’t necessarily want to holiday with a DIL who dislikes and resents them?

We do actually have a nice relationship but this is getting to the point it’s eating me alive watching my son be treated differently to the other grandson. Maybe I’ve just been brought up differently, don’t do for one that you wouldn’t do for another but hey maybe not everyone has that same respect

as for wether or not I was personally invited on the holiday would not bother me, but to not invite our son when you’ve invited the other grandson and not to mention doing the same for him in the future to me is wrong

This is insane. I go on holiday with my parents, so does DB it doesn't have to be everyone all of the time, and usually it's me who instigates our family holidays and my mum who instigates the ones with dB because he wouldn't bother otherwise. We spend a lot of time with PIL perhaps because DH is an only child and ds an only grandchild, but we tend to go to them as they have animals (chickens, horses, dogs) that make visiting harder for them. So if we didn't visit we'd see them less, we want to see them so we go to them, we don't keep score of who travels. You have a very rigid view of what constitutes an acceptable grand parent relationship.

You’d just be on here moaning about being left out of the holiday and why had your PIL not invited you etc etc.

Surely you can see that your expectations and endless looking out for ‘favouritism’ are what is causing the problem. Bluntly, you can’t control how other people behave, and the single best thing you can do here for your own peace of mind is to take a step back and let your partner handle the relationship with his parents. If he feels short-changed, he’s a grown-up and can deal with it himself.

You’d have sent your then 12 month old off on holiday with them, without you? Seriously? You claim that your son ‘barely knows these people’ but you’d have happily let them take him for what - a week?

It’s entirely reasonable for them to go on holiday with their daughter and grandson. It’s also entirely reasonable for them not to invite a DIL with whom they have a strained relationship, and not to offer to take on sole responsibility of a baby for a week. That’s a huge ask.

Maybe she has seen threads on here and doesn’t want to be seen as interfering MIL.

How often does your DH visit them?

My dh has given up visiting them, he works with his dad so regularly sees him but it’s been endless amount of time now since he has seen his mum due to all of this. Our visits fizzled out when it was so one sided for so long

he just wanted to go round on New Year’s Day with our son which I wasn’t happy about given they don’t seem to bother with our son

To answer your AIBU question, yes, you are being unreasonable. You are not being ‘fair’ to tell your husband that he cannot take your child to his parents on NYD - you are being petty and you are interfering in his relationship with his parents which is nothing to do with you.

You need to stop weighing up perceived injustices and just back out of this altogether. Your husband’s relationship with his parents is up to him. And to be frank, it seems likely that most of the problems in that relationship are caused by you.

If they provide free childcare they see him enough.

you sound like you are looking for a bust up.

there is no need to antagonise the situation, you are getting childcare and still
complaining that mil is going away with her daughter or not spending her holiday time visiting a grandchild she sees every other week!

stop.

You are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Grow up. If he wants to take his son to see his parents, that is his decision.

Does your SIL visit her parents?

I actually think this is one of those cases where they can't do right for doing wrong. Whatever they did you would pick fault. If they lived over the road and saw your son every day it would be wrong.

I imagine it was covered up to avoid awkwardness, but that the reason they did this is because they wanted to enjoy a holiday with their daughter and her family and don’t have the same easy close relationship with their son’s family (you). Now it would be very bad of them to invite their son and child and exclude you, so of course they didn’t do that!

If they are otherwise fine with you and actually helping with childcare, I would avoid finding ways to drive more of a wedge between your husband and his parents.

Six hours!! Bloody hell that sounds like long time! She’s doing you a huge favour

put it this way, if we lived next door they still wouldn’t bother coming round. The words of their own son (my partner)

Do your parents have any other grandchildren?

Yes they have a granddaughter who is treated the same

It's you causing all the problems here with all the fixed ideas if how they should and shouldn't behave. How can things be "equal' when they clearly enjoy being with SIL and her family and have to walk on eggshells around you. They didn't not tell you about the holiday because they knew it was wrong, it's because of the way you behave and not wanting to set you off.

It's hardly one sided with you "giving" in any way when they are the ones providing childcare. You need to grow up, stop with all the pathetic comparisons and be nicer to people so they want to see you.

How do they not bother with him. They have him twice a month??

that is the opposite of not bothering with him??

does it not count unless they come and look at him at your house? Stop trying to keep score and do tit for tat.

banning your DH from taking him there for NYE is spiteful.