In law’s don’t visit- but am I in the wrong?

[Pumpkin101358]

Hello,

so basically our son is 18m old and my partner’s mum and dad very very rarely visit our son… it got to the point it’s now causing conflict between me and my partner and I’d like some outside advice

Partners family live 25 mins away and they both drive, his mum has just had over 3 weeks off of work but hasn’t seen my son over Christmas at all! But it all dates back from early this year they had booked a family holiday with their other young grandson (6 months between our son and him) and not invited our son but they covered this up until my partners sister accidentally let it slip (which to me shows they know that it’s wrong). So as you can imagine I was not very happy that their other grandson was included but our son wasn’t- but I let that slide….

i must add though that my partners mum does watch our son whilst I work once every other week… which I am grateful for but they believe this is enough!

it was once over 8 weeks whilst I was on maternity leave that they hadn’t seen our son for, my partner raised this with them and they said they would change… but they haven’t.

the icing on the cake for me was when my partners sister, who works in a nursery setting, had RSV going around the nursery which her son also attends and I stated I didn’t want them to see our son whilst his mum was watching him to protect our son…. His mum also knew this but we later found out that his mum had let his sister and their son around ours that day which I was furious about!

all of these things added up and not seeing our son over Christmas (they did give him presents but I’d rather them visit than give presents!) I’ve said to my partner I do not want him to take our son around to their house on New Year’s Day and my partner believes I am in the wrong?

am I being petty or would you think I’m being fair?

So let him address it?

It sounds like you maybe thought the relationship was more reciprocal than it was. You moved house and the rope was dropped and it became clear things were built on you making the effort.

It hurts but you can’t force something that isn’t there. I’d smile and wave when you’re with them, and enjoy the relationship you have with your family.

If they're as bad as all that, then surely it's best they have as little to do with you, your partner and your son as possible?

It why should they come round all the time? Even if they lived next door ?

how do you know the circumstances of the holiday - there is a huge difference between6 months and 1 year old. They might only have had energy for 1 child. They might think the other family needs more help ? They might have planned to go away with you another time ?

you are being petty and childish. They help you out loads and that’s not enough for you.

@LadyQuackBeth has it spot on

OP, you sound like my 'D'il. But if you knew the back story, you would understand why I am like I am with her. Is there a huge back story here?

as for wether or not I was personally invited on the holiday would not bother me, but to not invite our son when you’ve invited the other grandson

You don't go and randomly take someone's young child on holiday though-that would be bonkers! Why should they provide 24/7 childcare for them for a week just so you might perceive it as a fair offer?! That would be exhausting for them. You wouldn't have let them take the child without you anyway, I presume, so what's the issue?!

It is perfectly fine for them to go on a holiday with their daughter and her family.

Stop minimising the free childcare they provide for you as well. They don't 'watch' him, they provide a full day of free childcare for you every other week!

There is definitely someone destroying the relationship between your son and his grandparents, but it isn't them...

Have you invited them?

Sounds to me like you're desperate for them to always be in the wrong.

I'm a gran, my door is always open, day or night, my family pop in regularly.
I don't go to their house unless I'm invited, or at the very least, I ring and say 'will you be in on Monday, I want to drop something off'

It's not because I 'don't make the effort' ffs

It's because I know they both work, their family time is precious, they would feel the need to tidy up, offer food etc, when they should be spending time with each other.
I have a brilliant relationship with both children and grandchild.

Start be inviting them!

There's not really much you can do. You can't force a relationship that one party doesn't want. Perhaps your DP could sit down and explain that he and DC want a better relationship with them. If nothing changes, then you both will have to manage DC's expectations going forward, as hurtful as that may be

The holiday does seem unfair.
However, it's up to them. Maybe they feel more comfortable sharing with their DD and her family.
Three extra people bumps up the cost considerably. Maybe they thought you wouldn't want to go.

Maybe they feel uncomfortable coming round, maybe you've upset them in some way that you aren't aware of.

You do come across as though you don't like them. Which is okay but you need to be aware that they may pick up on this. Hence the lack of relationship.

You are being very unreasonable to say your DH cannot take his own child round on New Years day.

You have to work on relationships with people, otherwise life will be difficult. You do seem negative and this could spiral and cause further damage.

Try and put a positive spin on things, your Mum in Law cares enough to look after your son whilst you work. Try popping round on a weekend on the weeks they don't have your son.

Start the year as you mean to go on and pop and see them tomorrow.

Try and relax and let it wash over you. Getting wound up won't change anything it will just make you sad and annoyed.

Take care.

Having noticed how my own D parents felt differently about their daughters children and their sons I do understand OP. My DParents actually called my DD their first Grandchild and I had to remind them constantly that their son had a daughter who was a year older! I’ve personally never been in your position but I think it will help
you to maybe just accept it is what it is. Your child can have a more loving relationship with your parents

Let your DH go with your son. Let the New Year be a new beginning. Start seeing them more outside childcare. Maybe they think that is all you want from them

Do you actually invite them?

I think the replies here have been harsh to you op. I can understand your frustration. Sometimes you just have to accept the way people are and meet them at that level.

I would try and change the childcare arrangement (despite what your partner says) and treat them like you would a distant Aunt or any other family member you see occasionally. That’s clearly all they want to commit to. At the end of the day it’s their loss.

I didn't see this post when I asked the same question.

I'm exactly the same as this poster. I wait to be invited by my kids because I don't want to seem needy, or to interrupt their precious down time.
Very occasionally if I'm passing close by their town, I might message to see if they're around, but always make it very clear that there's no pressure on them to have me pop round if they're busy. .

Nah this is all on you @Pumpkin101358 but the way you are writing this I suspect you know that already. It comes off as a reverse. Entitlement and self focus are way too much for you to be the person you are saying you are.

Did you move the 25 mins away? Perhaps they view that as the reason you should come to them.

They don't sound that bad, they look after your child so.l you can work. You seem to be putting barriers in the way of them seeing you more.

I think you're getting a hard time OP.
I get that you're hurt and why, as it appears to you from their behaviour, that they prefer their DD and her child over your DP and his child and that's not a nice position to be in - we inherently want everyone to adore our children the same way we do - but that's never going to happen and I'm guessing you're seeing it as a rejection of your child and your partner and taking that personally, understandable but it is what it is.
I think you will just have to see it for what it is, get used to it and accept it.
For your child's sake though I wouldn't cut your nose off to spite your face, let the once fortnightly childminding continue as it will encourage the bond between him and his GP - and in fairness if she is doing this for you, she can't be all bad? But I would also check in with her, in a genuinely concerned way (don't come across as being passive aggressive) that she really is ok with giving up her day to mind your DS, let her know your really appreciate it and to please please let you know, that if things change, she will tell you and there will be absolutely no hard feelings.
My in laws are very involved with our children but when my SIL (their DD) had her first, there absolutely was a difference in their relationship with her and that child, but I see that as understandable and it never affected their relationship with ours. It would have hurt if it did so I can understand how you would be feeling but you need to do an Elsa and "Let it go, let it go, let it go"😉

You are stopping access and using your child as a pawn though which isnt cool

Fair enough you dont want to drive over to them...fair enough you dont love the favouritism.

Lower your effort but dont block them seeing their GS

I either pack my dh off for a few hours to see his mum with the kids
Or invite them over...
"We are around on Sat 4th all day, sat 11th in the pm nd all day Sunday 12th. Let me know when you want to visit."

I think your looking far too deeply into stuff and you need to pick a lane they either dont see him or have him once a fortnight which isn't unreasonable .
My in-laws see my kids 4 times a year birthday Easter and Xmas and they live 10 mins away both retired .
You also can't dictate who goes in and out of their house ,if they didn't do childcare for you and your child was in nursery they would likely come into co tact with all sorts ,asking as sis in law and other baby where showing no symptoms your being unreasonable.if you want to eliminate all risk you should of found alternative child care or stayed home with child yourself .

They see your child every other week for 6 hours. That’s loads. Why do you want to see them more?

YABVU!

First you say they never see him, when it's actually 6 hours free childcare every fortnight. That's a lot of time spent with a grandchild.

Then it's "he hardly recognises them" followed by "he's so excited when we get to their house."

They never spend time with your DH, but dripfeed your DH actually works with his father. So sees him loads and loads.

You think they don't do enough for your son and your solution it to withhold him as a punishment?

Just admit you don't like your in-laws and whatever they do will be wrong in your eyes!

They have your child every fortnight and DP works with his dad. That’s way more contact than many people have!

IME it is the adult children who go to the grandparents the vast majority of the time. By dropping that you and DP have allowed the relationship to become less than it was. Which is fine, and many people choose to have a bit more distance from their parents when they have their own family. However, a consequence will be that the ILs will be closer to the other adult child and to any grandchildren on that side - it sounds like your SIL visits her mum.

Think of it from their perspective. You used to visit all the time but stopped with no explanation. They still provide free childcare but their DIL clearly doesn’t like them. They aren’t going to try to force a closer relationship by inviting themselves over!

Anyway, I don’t think you’ve got any right to “refuse” DP taking your joint child to see his parents. He’s the child’s father and clearly wants to facilitate a relationship.

I’m so confused - you implied they took your nephew on holiday but in reality they took their daughter, her hubby and their son. So were you expecting them to take your son by himself or take all of you is your hubby, you and your son?
you also said you got upset with them over the ill sister and son visiting - I get why you were upset but since they didn’t listen to your request they were prob quite miffed you got upset with them.
unfort I suspect there is tension between all the families hence no visit.
also mums tend to be closer to biological daughters then daughters in law - and that then shows up in childcare offerings

It’s rather ironic that you and your son seem to have a close, comfortable relationship with your own parents …. but you seem annoyed your partners mum has a close, comfortable relationship with her own daughter and her son.

Plus ot is ok when they provide childcare but nothing else is acceptable unless it is what op has decided