In law’s don’t visit- but am I in the wrong?

[Pumpkin101358]

Hello,

so basically our son is 18m old and my partner’s mum and dad very very rarely visit our son… it got to the point it’s now causing conflict between me and my partner and I’d like some outside advice

Partners family live 25 mins away and they both drive, his mum has just had over 3 weeks off of work but hasn’t seen my son over Christmas at all! But it all dates back from early this year they had booked a family holiday with their other young grandson (6 months between our son and him) and not invited our son but they covered this up until my partners sister accidentally let it slip (which to me shows they know that it’s wrong). So as you can imagine I was not very happy that their other grandson was included but our son wasn’t- but I let that slide….

i must add though that my partners mum does watch our son whilst I work once every other week… which I am grateful for but they believe this is enough!

it was once over 8 weeks whilst I was on maternity leave that they hadn’t seen our son for, my partner raised this with them and they said they would change… but they haven’t.

the icing on the cake for me was when my partners sister, who works in a nursery setting, had RSV going around the nursery which her son also attends and I stated I didn’t want them to see our son whilst his mum was watching him to protect our son…. His mum also knew this but we later found out that his mum had let his sister and their son around ours that day which I was furious about!

all of these things added up and not seeing our son over Christmas (they did give him presents but I’d rather them visit than give presents!) I’ve said to my partner I do not want him to take our son around to their house on New Year’s Day and my partner believes I am in the wrong?

am I being petty or would you think I’m being fair?

So you don’t visit them anymore, just use them for childcare?

They don’t need to visit if they don’t want to. They see your son for 6 hours every fortnight doing you a very big favour. If you want to go on holiday with them why not suggest it to them? Maybe suggest one later in the year?

me personally, no. My partner is insistant his mum still watches our son every other week as in his words ‘she will have no relationship at all because she won’t bother coming to see him’. He isn’t happy about me sending him to nursery instead. So of course I’ll try respect that decision and take him to his mums.

my son doesn’t really recognise who they are

That seems unlikely since she’s looking after him once a fortnight.

”Watching” is an interesting choice of word. Looking after an 18 month old for SIX HOURS is damn hard work and involves a lot more than “watching”.

Look, no one’s perfect. We all do things differently from each other. They’re not doing anything terrible. You really do need to accept them as they are and put aside all this resentment. Everyone will be happier for it.

They don’t need to invite their son on their holiday if they don’t want to. And it is none of your business anyway. Holidays don’t have to include the whole extended family every time.

OP WHY should they have invited your partner on that holiday? I’m one of three siblings and our parents fairly frequently holiday and spend time differently with us. We’ve different interests and shared hobbies, different budgets, different annual leave. My dad and brother have a sport they love to share and my nephews do too. My kids don’t. I would never expect them to be included.

Your expectations here are of equality - but why? It’s not your child they were treating differently but their own son. Does their daughter live with them? (With her child)

In your ow family do you never have occasions where as siblings you have different experiences? (My brother lived with my parents for nearly 10 years longer than I do due to life circumstances as a young adult, of course they’d be different). Now that I live a few hours away from them, my parents act as childcare more often for those closer to- it’s not unfair - it’s just the way it is.

Said gently, but it’s ok for your In Laws to want to see friends. Are they working? Is it also their time off?

Could you all start again? And talk about what each of you would like/expect as parents/grandparents? Ie. Do they want your son to go to them? Do they feel their support is the childcare they help you with?

I don't think it is about your son as they see him regularly when you are at work. They may be avoiding you rather than him. It doesn't sound like you get along that well.

It is difficult to understand what you want here. You mention that they don't see your son enough, but then say you don't like how they are with him, and give the impression that you don't really want them looking after him. Do you get on with them when you see them?

You sound like really hard work.

to add more clarity on why I was so upset-

they do an awful awful lot more for their daughter (who is older) than my partner, lend her money, pay for food shopping, see their son/ grandson multiple times per week and watch that grandson the opposing Thursday and often more. Paid for lots of things for that grandson too.
the same is not done for my partner and son- I understand daughters and their children gravitate to each other more but to be treated at completely the opposite ends of the scale doesn’t sit right with me.

I feel as if that grandson is being favourited over our son- which upsets me.

Sounds like the issue is that you're jealous of your MIL and SIL's closer relationship.

Maybe that is the case, but so is my partner who is too proud to say so.
my issue was as a mother why make one of your children feel this way?? And I don’t want this same feeling passing to our son when he begins to understand…. Ie why does Nana do more for ‘X’ and see ‘X’ way more than she does with me?

I feel I need to protect my son from this because I can clearly see how differently each grandson is treated.

How do your parents treat your son?

You sound quite difficult

They include him in activities, if I’ve not been around for a few days they come and see us and our son after work. They Plan days out with our son etc. my son has a genuine excitement to see them and when we get out of the car at their house.

and no I absolutely do not expect the same from my partner’s family as I know my parents go above and beyond but a little bit would be nice! Or to be treated equally to their other grandson.

But you're the ones who stopped regular contact. You now want to punish your inlaws for a dynamic you created.

You visited them every weekend. Go visit them at least once a month or fortnight. Invite them over. Tbh should be led by dh. Dont sit waiting for them to come to you.

You havent seen them over Christmas, new year visiting is a priority with his side.

Holidays and relationship with sil is irrelevant when your dh is making little effort to have contact, they may also think he doesnt care. (Maybe he isnt that bothered?)

So you genuinely believe it’s ok for someone to constantly visit you and make the effort and not reciprocate that effort? Not even just every now and then?

sorry but I won’t continuously make effort with someone who’d quite happily go months on end without seeing us?

OP firstborn grandchildren are often treated as more special than subsequent ones. You have an unrealistic expectation that your partners parents want to give up a portion of every weekend to see you - are they not allowed their own life? If your son (you don't refer to him as our son) is your own parents first grandchild they will no doubt be excited about him and liable to give him more attention- plus you said you were living with them so much easier for them to see him.

You have to realise that life is not fair. You can't make it how you want it. Don't punish people for not behaving how you want or it will backfire and you'll end up without a relationship with your partners parents and perhaps without a partner if he gets sick of your attitude.

Maybe they don't want to see you every weekend. I certainly wouldn't want every weekend used up visiting family. I have my own life. My parents and in-laws lived between 90 and 180 minutes from me and my children had a great relationship even though they only saw them every couple of months. My daughter still visits her 93 year old grandpa who I s 2.5 hours away.

My in laws would have never seen our kids if we didn’t take them to them! They also rarely suggested it, my DH would basically have to invite himself over. Absolutely no childcare - I can’t even imagine that.
That’s just the way they are. Now my DH has been dead 15 years I’m still the one who has made the effort as I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents. I wouldn’t dream of not facilitating it.

no as stated before. I do not expect them to see our son (which I have stated multiple times if you read) every weekend but once a month, or 6 weeks would be nice…

and no we do not live with my parents as stated. We USED to which is why we regularly visited my partners parents as we absolutely understood why they wouldn’t rock up to my mum and dads to visit us.

but we have now lived in our own place for almost 2 years and they never visit.

Do you actually invite your PIL to visit? Maybe they don't like the idea of just dropping in. They do see your son fortnightly, you seem to keep forgetting that.

Do you actually invite them over? For lunch? Tea? Coffee?

Why not just let your partner handle relations with his parents? It’s hard not to suspect that part of the issue here is that you don’t like them, and they’re well aware of it.