In law’s don’t visit- but am I in the wrong?

[Pumpkin101358]

Hello,

so basically our son is 18m old and my partner’s mum and dad very very rarely visit our son… it got to the point it’s now causing conflict between me and my partner and I’d like some outside advice

Partners family live 25 mins away and they both drive, his mum has just had over 3 weeks off of work but hasn’t seen my son over Christmas at all! But it all dates back from early this year they had booked a family holiday with their other young grandson (6 months between our son and him) and not invited our son but they covered this up until my partners sister accidentally let it slip (which to me shows they know that it’s wrong). So as you can imagine I was not very happy that their other grandson was included but our son wasn’t- but I let that slide….

i must add though that my partners mum does watch our son whilst I work once every other week… which I am grateful for but they believe this is enough!

it was once over 8 weeks whilst I was on maternity leave that they hadn’t seen our son for, my partner raised this with them and they said they would change… but they haven’t.

the icing on the cake for me was when my partners sister, who works in a nursery setting, had RSV going around the nursery which her son also attends and I stated I didn’t want them to see our son whilst his mum was watching him to protect our son…. His mum also knew this but we later found out that his mum had let his sister and their son around ours that day which I was furious about!

all of these things added up and not seeing our son over Christmas (they did give him presents but I’d rather them visit than give presents!) I’ve said to my partner I do not want him to take our son around to their house on New Year’s Day and my partner believes I am in the wrong?

am I being petty or would you think I’m being fair?

My LO is 18 months and my MIL has visited once when she was a new born. She does live a 45 minute drive away but we are expected to bring her up to them. She also does not help with childcare. I do think it’s not always down to me to make effort so I leave it to my partner now as it used to frustrate me. So do get where you are coming from.

Going on holiday with one family and not the other is perfectly fine.

I think they’re avoiding you, tbh.

YABU OP. Your mil is baby sitting for you and saving you money, if it’s that bad when he’s there why are you continuing to use her for childcare? You’re trying to compete with the relationship she has with her own daughter, I bet your SIL doesn’t see her husbands family as much. You’re going to cause problems for the next 20+ years if you carry on ignoring the fact that different people have different relationships with family members, if anything it will drive more of a wedge.

You are coming over as jealous and insecure, OP. If you genuinely want a better relationship with your in-laws for your child’s sake, stop creating situations to back up your own dislike of your MIL. You’re going to end up putting a divide between you and your partner if this continues 🤷🏼‍♀️

It should be your partners decision to not go if he feels strongly. Otherwise you keep it polite and do what works for him.

Are your family having a new year's day dinner you would rather attend? It does seem like you are looking for an excuse.

Hi op unfortunately this happens a lot with mother and daughter relationships if she’s close to her she will favour her children automatically and it bloody hurts but I would start getting used to it they won’t change especially the mum. I would let your dh know that you respect him enough to send dc to your mum but it’s no better than dropping him off to a random stranger because your dc doesn’t know her. Let your dh take him and you have a break but never give them your special days like Xmas day Mother’s Day etc.

Many women are naturally closer to their daughters and in turn their daughters children sadly.
But it does seem you too prioritise your family over your Dh's family.
Your mother watches/sees the child more so knows him and yet the in-laws only get a day every other week as you allow your own grandmother to watch your child on the alternate weeks.
If you want your child to know them better maybe your nana can visit when your mum watches the child.
Ask her is she'd want to see him more or stick to every other week, she may well feel a bit pushed out and unimportant with the arrangements you have made.

From what you’ve said, I hear your disappointment and it’s totally normal to feel let down if you think you are being treated unfairly.
If you truly want to mend the relationship with your MIL though, it might be useful to try your best to look at things from her point of view. Self reflection.. it’s not easy but if you’re really honest with yourself it can only ever lead to two positive paths. Either self improvement or the freedom to let it go.
MIL’s (possible) POV:
Looking after a child who screams when they come to see you is highly stressful. It would be for anyone. To her she’s doing you a huge favour yet you put stipulations on the way she looks after your child. Could this be a reason she feels disgruntled? Do you genuinely come across as grateful for the childcare she provides for you? If she doesn’t feel comfortable going to your house, ask yourself why? Are you easy going? Do you make her feel listened to? Truthfully and with kindness, you do seem to harbour resentment towards her. This can sometimes come across in your actions even though you don’t intend it to. She may feel unappreciated? Are your expectations of her too high? Most daughters do tend to gravitate towards their own mums and that’s ok.

If the above genuinely doesn’t ring true and you can see no reason why your MIL seems cold and uninterested then it’s not your problem. Carry on being kind, welcoming and thoughtful. If it’s not reciprocated, there’s not a lot you can do. Concentrate on your lovely family and tell yourself, as long as I’m acting with kindness and integrity, there is nothing I can do to change the behaviour of others. Let yourself feel the disappointment and sadness, recognise it’s ok to feel let down and move on trying to be the best version of yourself.
Best of luck and wishing you love and happiness.

You sound very entitled, yin cannot dictate to people about having to see your child.
I live about 10min dive away from my grandkids, I don't go over that's my choice, I work long hrs, I've brought up my kids, don't want to start again .

Your child was much too young to go away on holiday without his mum. And babies are very hard work as you've noticed - especially for grandparents. No Way would I take my dgs without his DM or df

This ……also do your own parents have any input

you’re son is 18 mos old. He has no idea anyone went on vacation. You are the one with the hurt feelings and this is wasted energy.

I think you’re wrongheaded in your approach to dealing with your in-laws. You must stop comparing your relationship to your sil and let your relationship be organic. It will grow and change over time. But if you create unnecessary friction, you’ll only succeed driving a wedge between your families and your son will pay the price for your jealousy and vindictiveness. Time to grow up! Life is hard enough, don’t make it harder.

How do they respond when you invite them over? Are they the kind of people who like a specific time and reason to visit (eg Sunday lunch) rather than a general "see you at the weekend"? They don't seem to feel welcome in your house and only you, and your DH, can rectify that.

Well, if your parents go above and beyond as you say , then your son is getting all the attention that he needs from those grandparents . So he’s not missing out. You actually do seem like hard work. Do you ever invite your partner’s parents over? You have been asked plenty of times but you haven’t answered. Do you show appreciation for the six hours a day that she babysits your son. Have you ever made her a meal or have you ever bought her flowers? Did you buy her a Christmas present? Do you know all we are getting? Is your one-sided entitled view. You asked are you being fair? No you’re not. You’re being quite ridiculous. Your partner wants to take his son to see them and you are saying no because they don’t come see you . But before that you say he’s not bothered with them anymore and so he doesn’t go to see them . I reckon that’s because of you in his ear .

Sorry op, you are being unreasonable. Let your partner take his son to see his family. No matter what anyone says on here your going to have excuses. You cant keep your partners son from his family and then expect them to baby sit because that suits you. That is insanity. Your being entitled and controlling and using your child as a pawn to get your own way. Of course the mil can take her daughter and her daughters family on holiday without inviting siblings and their families, why is this so wrong, it was probably planned for a very long time. If you want to holiday with them, then make plans, be a more productive member of the family. You cant just make efforts for your own family and expect your partner not to do the same for his. Biggest thing I can't stand when controlling woman become parents is using their children to control situations. Your partner is being reasonable.