My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

DS1 was a really good looking child, now a Middle aged podgy, bald bloke with a beard.
DS2 was 'cute' and 'four square' and now skinny and '80s rock star' type look about him.
DD was a attractive child, and is an attractive woman.
I was very plain, ugly 1970s nhs glasses, I'm still plain, a little podgy, good skin though and am told I look younger than I am.Never was good looking though.

Oh good lord. What have i just read? That's quite enough mumsnet for me today

I know what you mean, my clever, not beautiful daughter is overlooked at school, in favour of the pretty ones.
It’s such a shame, she does really well, and is bright and very clever.

I’ve seen at parents evenings, but more particularly at school concerts and prize givings, how much the pretty ones are valued by all.

She shines anyway, and isn’t unattractive, and looks really lovely on occasion 🤣

Hmmm attractiveness really only goes so far.

Some of the cute girls in school really aren't that stunning anymore in their 30s.

I think age is the great equaliser.

Much better to teach your children to be career focused and value good friendships and human connection.

OP - Are your children happy and healthy? That is really all that matters. Look into your reasons for feeling like you do - did you grow up with parents who put high worth on looks? My own mother was shallow and put high value on good looks - I’m average looking, but thankfully I didn’t inherit her shallow attitude, lack of emotional intelligence and poor self-worth. So I’ve done okay, and no problems attracting the opposite sex. The relationship with my mother was terrible, and I’ll never forget the nasty spiteful comments she made about my looks/weight at times over the years. Please do not be that mother.

You feel what you feel, but never, ever let it show.

Most people are disappointed in something about their kids. Some people are disappointed that their kids are cruel or dishonest or otherwise just not good people. Some are disappointed on their child's behalf because they've had bad luck (like a disability or chronic condition or anything else that might limit them through no fault of their own). Some people are disappointed that they never fulfilled their potential or they wound up with a prick for a partner. Some can't help being sorry that they didn't want to take on the family business or didn't inherit the family gift for music or whatever. There's always something.

If your child has chosen to behave in a way that was shitty, express your disappointment. Anything else, anything that isn't a choice or a reflection on character, keep quiet.

Yep, shallow and ridiculous.

It is sad but true. I adore attractive people in their late twenties/early thirties. I think it is the peak of life. I am heterosexual but I think both sexes are at their peak just then. It is not sexual, it is just the peak of mental and physical ability- then it all drains away until we are empty husks.

Margot Asquith reminds me re: the Helena Rubinstein quip ‘there’s no such thing as an ugly woman only a lazy one’. Kick Kennedy - JFK’s daughter - was no beauty but seen as such due to sense of adventure, courage & fun.

Def on the bowl cut :)

I'm the other way - never been ugly but not a stunner - but my children are both objectively good looking. I definitely think there's an advantage to being acceptably 'pretty' so I see what you mean OP

However, they're both quite big (not fat but wide and tall) for their age, and I worry already that this will count against my DD especially. I haaaate that I think this way (she's only 6) but she's not not tiny like her peers and I worry how that will play out as she grows up. Society likes a norm.

I had an interesting chat with DH a few years ago. He was sort of saying something similar to the OP about one of our boys not being as handsome as the other. Which is ridiculous as privately I’d always thought that boy was much better looking than the other! Ironically (or maybe not) the one DH thinks is less attractive is his doppleganger.

i think most friends think the boys are perfectly normal in the attractive stakes.

Yeah my kids are ugly as sin. Luckily I've booked them in for plastic surgery when they turn 16.
[joke]

I can really relate. Did she have older parents or influences? I think my Mum thought long hair was common or something but views were about a decade out.

I always imagined my children were the most beautiful babies in the world. Then i looked at some pics of them recently, from their childhood lol.

A couple looked truly gormless! I definitely had my love goggles on lol. Rest assured OP, they’re all adults now, and happy. Are they good looking? Well I’m biased so of course now they are the most beautiful adults. That said,they are lovely people. Kind, loving and good natured so possibly this colours my opinion.

I must admit their is one celeb couple who’s kids have inherited from them both and it looks ‘unusual’ for want of a better word. Genetics can be weird. @

I think if the kids really are unattractive, they need to develop self-confidence through hobbies, working hard at school etc so the self-confidence shines through, because that makes people attractive, to me anyway.

Maybe drama club - means they will speak well, which does wonders - slack jawed mumbling is never attractive.

I'm OKish looking, but my DS is better looking than I was as a teen - not stop the traffic, but better than average, tall, slim, good hair, and I think he does get a pass to popularity because of it - I had to be interesting!

Anyway OP it's far better to be objective about your children's looks or lack thereof and set them up in life accordingly.

If you have a horrible, entitled personality then no amount of looks will compensate. It then turns the perceived beauty into something strangely malevolent. So if you have good looking children, the best thing you can do for them is help them to see that you need to have good characteristics and traits rather than depend on looks alone. They are just a bonus, a luck of the draw.

Same goes if they remain average looking. Teach children good values, overall. That will always trump great looks and ugly character. Some of the best actresses are not the pretty ones, they are the ones who have honed their craft.

Same in modelling. Gone are the days when you can 'just be pretty and have a distinctive walk'

With so many IG models in the space, personality and charisma (at least displayed in social media,) and self promotion is half the selling point now. Say or do something nasty or unpopular and your career is over. Looks or no looks.

I don't understand the dramatics and horrified-reactions of some replies. Also the disingenuousness. 'My children are the best looking children in the world, because they're mine and I love them so much'. Really?

I also love my child. But that doesn't stop my eyes from working all of a sudden. She's smart, lovely, kind, good company, funny, a great kid. Is she a stunner? No. Is she 'the best looking child in the world'? Absolutely not. She's an average looking girl. And that's perfectly fine. It's not some stain on her character (or mine) to see and say this (here on MN, I never said anything to her, obv).

I myself was a model when younger. But I'm not 'Barbie-beautiful' in a sweet-faced Margot Robbie kind of way. Model figure and height, but average 'nothing special' face. More striking due to height/body and walk, than beautiful. And that's ok, I don't have any particular feelings either way.

Beauty is definitely not everything. But it seems disingenuous to pretend not to notice it at all. People have eyes.

And anyway, average looking, but very confident is best of all worlds, imo.

Some kids really do have an amazing ‘Glow-up’. Myself and 19 year old DD were looking back at old photos and some younger children were really not very attractive but we were commenting on how gorgeous many of them are now. Not that looks should matter but I wouldn’t judge too much on what someone looks like pre 14-15 as you really can change.

Ha, I know what you mean about love goggles, I thought my new born was the most beautiful baby who ever drew breath, I honestly couldn't understand why the nurses weren't in raptures. When I look at the early photos now they honestly look like a little monkey in a babygro!

This is definitely a thing. My cousin has 2 daughters, the older one (11) is not ‘conventionally’ good looking and the younger one (8) is beautiful, very striking. They’re both lovely girls and seem to be confident, but when my cousin got drunk recently she admitted that she worried sometimes that the elder daughter may get jealous or may lack confidence as she goes through high school due to this. Everybody just wants their kids to have it as easy as possible and unfortunately being ‘pretty’ does help.

My neighbours were average looking and had two properly ugly looking children. However they are great parents and raised two confident, pleasant humans. As teenagers the ugliness became quirks and because they are genuinely lovely kids they look actually look pretty cool even if not "beautiful".

You think it's bad for a parent to encourage their teenage children to master the basics of grooming and to make the most of themselves? I'd say it's a parent's duty to instil these basics, personally. How are they going to get on with job interviews, for example, if they've not been taught the basics of self-presentation? And that's before we even get started on boyfriends/girlfriends.

Ugly kids can turn into beautiful adults and cute kids can turn into ugly adults. Then you get to know people and your perception of whether they’re beautiful or ugly will change all over again.

My worry is that one of my children is conventionally attractive (really beautiful and often receives compliments) while the other is much more plain/average. They are too young to be aware at the moment but i do hope they are not treated differently as they get older

People will give you all this blah, blah about how beauty is only skin deep and its your personality that really matters. Of course beauty is important and good to have, so are intelligence, athleticism, courage, extroversion, etc. But, I'd say, we're all some things and not others and we tend to think of the qualities we have as the baseline and pine for the qualities we don't have. I was always clever, got loads of remarks on my cleverness throughout my childhood, but I was never very athletic. Now I so want my daughter to be clever (because I see that as the standard as its a trait that I have) and I also want her to be athletic (because its a gift I never got to experience). But of course, she'll have the combination of traits that she has and, like you, I'll do my best not to make it about me (while potentially secretly wishing she had inherited my gift for foreign languages, or whatever). Mostly just saying, yeah, I get it, and I think everybody does even if they pretend not to.