My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

It’s no more than an accident of birth and the importance people put on it is tedious. My kids are fairly conventionally attractive, but I deliberately don’t mention it unless it would be weird not to say something (say they’re dressed up for a special occasion). I don’t want them to think it matters.

I was a pretty child who became a fat and awkward teen and then a thin and striking younger woman. My parents were obsessed with my looks and seemed to think it reflected well on them that they had a ‘stunning’ daughter. Sadly - it didn’t last. They seemed downcast when I lost it again in middle age. My dad often comments on how I used to be beautiful. I don’t bother because I think I internalised the message, both from them and classmates, that I was an ugly fucker. I’ve always looked in the mirror and seen 100 flaws. Anyway, at 45, I know who I am, so for my kids I’ve actively discouraged any comments on looks. Anything positive that they can control, is fine, but looks are off-limits. It’s so easy to mess with someone’s head.

And for the twenty years or so I was a head-turner, it didn’t make my life easier or make men treat me better. All it ever brought me was occasional low-grade sexual assault, ogling and pestering at bus-stops. And a bit of jealousy and bullying that was founded in the misconception I thought I was great. Very far from the truth. I have always been friendly and tried to behave as I’d want to be treated but it was almost like some people were pre-programmed to dislike me. It’s funny because it’s so often presented as the opposite in the media.

Perhaps there was pretty privilege to the extent that I notice now that I’m fat and my hair is grey, people (and not just men) are not so quick to help me out or laugh at my jokes - but maybe some of that is because I was never very funny or deserving of special consideration to begin with. I agree some of attractiveness is down to confidence but beyond that, I can’t say, being just one person.

I would say being of above average looks without being gorgeous enough to actually monetise it while it lasts is such a double-edged sword that it’s probably not worth it. Better to worry about what’s inside and develop the attributes we can control, and that last a lifetime.

So OP, I would say try and deprogrammed yourself. And if you can’t set it aside, bury it really, really deep, for their sake 😬

Good post used.

In our family and extended family no fuss is made of looks. It’s dispiriting that the rest of the world is not like this. Dd1 raised her eyebrow at the third approach by model scouts on a recent trip to London “I note no one is model scouting me!”

I did read it, thanks. As she didn't really elaborate on what the 'nudging' consists of or her motives for doing it, we can't do more than speculate on that. Your assumption that it's connected to her own 'standards' is just that - an assumption. Personally I read it as encouragement to make the most of themselves, which as I said upthread, is part of parenting imo.

How old is child? Babies generally look like potatoes! My kids are very different from each other (one like me and one DH) but they are both stunning teens!

A friend of mine once told me she was selective of her gene pool (ie who she had kids with) so that she would have beautiful kids.

Well at least you have children, so many ppl are infertile and would love to have ugly DC .

Cant believe that you just wrote this

I think my kids are perfect not sure if they are but that’s how I feel about them. No judgement but please don’t ever let the kids hear you say anything like this post, it will be with them for life x

It's an interesting concept when your child isn't like you in various ways. When DD was born I was prepared for her to be quite ordinary like me with family traits like short sightedness and big boobs but not in a good way. Massive brag but when she was both highly academic and very conventionally pretty I was gobsmacked. Can only assume that my plebeian genes are skipping a generation and my beautiful DD may be posting this type of OP in a decade or so.

Just remember that at the end of the day, character goes over looks, always! An attractive person becomes utterly worthless if their character is awful. Looks fades, great character wins

I think it’s fine for you to feel this way - and I’m sure these feelings will change as your children grow and change. Just ensure you don’t share this with your children or anyone else that could relay it to them.

I think my children are average looking but to me, they are beautiful. I feel shallow for thinking that as there’s much more to them than their appearance. But if anyone else tells me they’re good looking, I find that a bit uncomfortable. I’d rather they commented on their personality or something they’re good at rather than their appearance. so go figure!

Oh dear.

Being average looking doesn't stop you from having any of the things that are worthwhile in life - love, relationships, a family if you want one, a career, hobbies etc (unless you want to be an actress/model where it does have more of a bearing of course). And being very good looking comes with its issues as well of course.

When people say things like 'sadly, looks get you places in life' I always think, why would I want to be accepted into anywhere so shallow that people cared about about how good looking I was?

It doesn’t sound crazy at all and I can relate albeit in a slightly different way. Two children both grown up neither of them looked like me when they were younger. Son’s very handsome young man, in my opinion anyway. Daughter very plain quite pale when she was little. Now she’s absolutely beautiful almost like a model so just wanted to say that looks can change and don’t worry, just love them show them your love, and never criticise their looks as they can be quite sensitive, especially as they grow up.

It's not ridiculous - she is just being honest about her feelings. Where's your empathy?

Well that’s interesting but not really relevant: OP is worried that her children might, in some way, be disadvantaged because people do get judged on their looks all the time 🤷‍♀️ whether or not you dislike “lookist” people is neither here nor there

I can support this. My son was constantly - CONSTANTLY - told he was beautiful, stunning, striking. Like, people stopping us in the supermarket multiple times in a trip to tell him/us when he was a baby and toddler, and also the only boy ever invited to girls' birthday parties.

I remember my Dad observing that he was very precocious when it comes to language, and my 18-month old son piped up, 'I'm not precocious Grandad - I'm beautiful'. It's all he heard from people around him.

Now he is 17, carrying a far bit of weight, doesn't know how to style himself and frankly doesn't care, and has brilliant self-esteem. He doesn't give a shit about what people think about him and invests zero thought in what he looks like or what he wears. It's a marvel and I envy him, and it will serve him well. I've never linked it to the fact that his ego was turbo-boosted until he was 8 or so.

I have beautiful small hands with long fingers. My DH has beautiful hands with short fingers.

Unfortunately DC has inherited DH short fingers and my tiny hands. DC has "the world's smallest adult hands" in their words. It's regrettably something people comment on.

Yes I feel bad and shallow for caring but I think we all want our kids to not have things they could get teased about.

However, there are far more important properties for people to have such as humour or kindness. Also if you go on FB and look at the kids who were beautiful in school — so many have grown into unattractive adults. And so many of the ugly ones have become truly attractive. So focus on the internal properties so they can be beautiful people inside and out.

It can also open doors to more worthwhile goals. Just saying.

I just see my kids as people. Usually other people would tell me if they are cute or not. Although when my DD was younger a work colleague said a horrible comment about my DD and said she looked like one of our male colleagues, he wasn’t attractive. Either way, if they look like your DH and his looks don’t matter to you, then it shouldn’t matter.

Unless you're an actor, I don't see how

Seriously???

I think you sound really shallow. If this is the thing that’s worrying you the most about your children I think you need to get your priorities straight. I’d be worrying more that my kids turn out kind, decent and use the best of their capabilities in this world we live in! Lots of children grow into their looks. But not so much children who are brought up that beauty is only skin deep! I’m not really sure why you had to bring your looks into it. Yeah people may find your features attractive but maybe not everyone does. It’s all down to preferences! I don’t condone you for posting this but I think it’s sad.

Your kids are not perfect, no kids are. In fact, no people are.

And no judgement but treating your kids as if they are perfect (when they are of course not) is equally bad parenting.

I remember years ago seeing a rock star and his new wife in a celebrity mag. He was, and still is pretty unattractive, but married a tall beautiful model. Then a few years later, announced a pregnancy. I remember thinking that I hoped the child would take after mum. The little girl was the spitting image of her dad.

Lately I saw a photo of the daughter and although she still does look like her dad, she had the height and confidence of her mum. She looks fantastic, embracing those physical traits of her dad with confidence. There are many beautiful people that are not conventionally attractive, it's all in how you wear it.

In the real world, beauty does pave paths; it's been proven. However, confidence and a warm personality are the real markers of a great and attractive person.