My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

Im your dc. Both my parents were attractive people but somehow their genes didn't mix well to produce equally as attractive children, which I think is often the case when 2 attractive people have dc. My sibling and I are definitely not "lookers" like our parents were,infact we are a bit odd looking.
After our parents separated our father went on to have another dc with a new partner, Our younger half sibling definitely inherited our fathers good looks.
for some strange reason our parents genes just didn't mix well.

You probably should have shagged someone fitter if looks are so important to you

Very wise words.

My MIL told my DH he was a "major disappointment" to het when he decided not to pursue A' levels and go to university. Instead he chose to start work which i thought was just as commendable.

I'm sure my DM is disappointed that my health isnt great, and that I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. She probably wishes she has a good DD who is in better condition with no chronic illness. (But thankfully she has never said anything)

As someone who is unattractive and who grew up with a mother who values looks above everything else please please please don’t ever comment on anyone’s looks infront of your children.

my mum is late seventies and she will stil only ever comment on a woman’s looks. She will always be dissatisfied with me no matter what I achieve. She actually thinks pretty women can’t be mean or rude or unpleasant🫣.

Dont be as shallow as my mother.

Op, do remind yourself of the attractiveness you found in DH.
A person's kindness and way they relate to others always out shines their physical looks.

Teach your kids an honest and respectful way of being. Show them hard work, kindness and how to compliment efforts of others. Teach them worthwhile skills in budgeting, sports, crafts, etc and noticing the best in friends. Enjoy expanding their minds, exploring wilderness and protecting creatures who can't defend themselves.

Your children will have much of worth to contribute that is very visible to all around them.
Beautiful is as beautiful does.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Ensure your kids spend lots of time with their Dad.

I have been told all my life from as young as I remember by family, other females and by men how pretty/beautiful I am (or was) being good looking can cause no end of issues. It also caused me to have a 20 year eating disorder, body dysmophia and endless girls/women disliking me before they’ve even got to know me. It caused jealousy by my ex partners and has now caused me to have issues about getting or looking older because I’ve always felt I have to keep up a certain standard. Being good looking isn’t always a good thing.

As someone who is basically the now-adult version of your DC… your DC will eventually realize that you find them unattractive and not as good-looking as you feel that you are. They may be young now and oblivious, and you may THINK you’re hiding it well as they get older, but even if you never say anything to them out loud, they will absolutely eventually pick up on how shallow and appearance-focused you are, and they will realize that you think they (and your DH) are unattractive.

BTW, this doesn’t make you “sound” horribly shallow - you ARE shallow.

This is a beautiful reply. It made me a bit teary 😢

I came to say this op. Teach them to be kind, considerate people and that will make them attractive. I have fallen in love twice in my life. Both men not conventionally good looking or handsome but I cannot imagine being with anyone else regardless of how handsome. To me their kindness, their smiles, their compassion makes them hot beyond imagination

Unbelievable! How about getting on your knees and thanking whatever is out there that your children are alive, fit and healthy? 😡

‘A person’s kindness and way they relate to others always outshines their physical looks’.

Your post is s very good one & I agree with most of what you’ve said & the general sentiment in theory.

The problem is it just isn’t true re: quote at top of my post. To just look at finding a partner for a moment. Men are visual & biology is real. The beautiful, slim & attractive girls at Uni, for example, etc are sought after. The less physically attractive, the fat & plain struggle comparatively IME re: dating even when incredibly amiable & kind, fun, interesting, full of integrity etc. To say these qualities are always noted, admired & confer advantage is untrue in the real world. Unfortunately. At least in this context & finding a partner is something most desire.

I think society is becoming much more lookist unfortunately & shallow. If you’re not conventionally attractive as a woman, especially. Online dating is all about your photo and only your photo & image initially. Social media is stacked against the not so photogenic & this can affect & influence your confidence, job prospects, status etc. A very attractive & accomplished daughter will generally have a better life in short & maybe that’s what the OP has absorbed?

Even if some children aren’t conventionally attractive and don’t grow into their looks, I’ve seen them grow up into dynamic people who know how to dress and maximise their best features.

In short, you don’t need to worry OP, your kids will be just fine.

I love your post. I often wonder if parents with truly homely children can see it, or not.
But of course children can change drastically. And then they can also be smart enough to, as my step-mother used to say, "do the best with what they have."

My son is objectively very beautiful, anywhere we go in our town he is instantly swooped upon to be spoiled. It can't be good for him, the florist is the worst

How does this post help OP? It’s just blatant bragging.

Yep, poor kid, not to mention once he's left the standard baby cuteness behind and doesn't get that positive feedback about his "beauty" from his mother he's going to notice.

Not really bragging, its not exactly an achievement is it? I suppose it helps the OP in the sense that it let's her know there is another side to the coin. What other help can we offer apart from perspective?

You didn’t offer perspective, you just bragged about your child bring very beautiful.

What is depressing about this thread is the number of people on here who also think it is OK to run down one's own children to others for having the temerity not to be beautiful. And even praise the OP for her 'bravery'? Nope, nothing brave about posting anonymously about your children's aesthetic shortcomings.

I think if the OP is upset about this then she should be getting therapy not posting in a way that risks upsetting and triggering other people.

If one is not able to be a wholehearted cheerleader and advocate for your DC and celebrate them just as they are, then probably best not to have them.

Yes they are what they are and the love is surely unconditional.

As a mother you fret whatever. I do have a teenage beauty who is confident and admit I am actually partly horrified at how she is treated compared to her normal looking sister and my friends normal looking teens. It’s slightly sickening how much our society values looks 🙄.

You're being ridiculous and shallow. Are you children bright, good company, empathetic, have nice friends., considerate to others. All the things that matter.

Obviously as a family we never mention anything down play it but it’s ridiculous. She gets fawned over by strangers of all ages at parties or even in cafes etc. She’s invited to every party. Millions of gorgeous friends. Boys treat her like a queen. Honestly Dh dd1 and I are 🙄. It’s just a random connection of genes (my mother was beautiful Dh is not but he is tall and graceful these genes have collided in dd2)

It also has but in the social media age do you think it’s got/getting more pronounced? When I was young photos took 2 weeks to be developed & we took on high days & holidays. We focused outward.

It has always ‘been the case’ I meant (has it got worse)?

My daughter values kindness as the top quality of potential boyfriends.

Looks don't even come into it.
Thinking about it, that's DH's forte.