My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

My grandma used to say that there's only one beautiful baby in the world and everyone's got it. I always thought most people thought their own children looked nice, so I'm surprised that you don't.

I hear you op
i’m glad my kids have taken after me not my dh
but like wise being good looking does make life easier, so of course you want your children’s lives to be easier in the way you know

people should treat everyone equal but we know in the real world they don’t

If you read her full post, she said she agreed with OP and felt the same about her own kids being unattractive, to the point that she was upset about how much hotter their cousins are.

She's not talking about the basics of grooming and presentation, she's talking about "nudging" her teens to be as attractive as they can be, because they don't care to be up to her standards.

I can picture the MN threads those kids will write, ten years from now.

It’s not the be all and end all. I’m pretty average looking but get through life ok. I’m now in my mid 40’s and contemporaries are gnashing their teeth about their looks fading. I’m less fussed as they have always been pretty average as l said. If attractiveness is prized so highly by you then why not have children with someone more attractive or conventionally attractive? Reminds me of a colleague who complained his children weren’t academic but their mother barely has a GCSE to rub together so again l don’t know what he was expecting really

Can’t believe all the judgy comments. Of course people notice looks, kids’ looks included. I can understand the disappointment if they haven’t inherited your good looks. Doesn’t mean you don’t love them.

Yes, you sound great & am sure are role modelling/nurturing these important qualities! A stable person, well put together with quick wit, confidence, verve & flair - these are surprisingly uncommon traits! With maturity these shine out. An undereducated, bigoted, boring yet devastatingly handsome man or stunning yet 2 dimensional, dull dim woman? Beauty not so advantageous here. Clever humour is such an aphrodisiac IMHO.

OP - my only DD who is 8yo next month is strikingly beautiful (got the best of both of us), tall, long legs, striking blue eyes, very pretty and people have always commented on her looks. I sometimes think to myself she's won the looks lottery and can't believe she's my daughter.

However, DD is mildly ND and struggles with confidence, she's a bit young for her age, gets picked on and was bullied very badly once. I worry about her ALL THE TIME. I feel a little jealous when I see kids who are very confident and clever socially. I feel like a lot of kids will make it in life, regardless of how academic or good looking they are, but not sure what future holds for DD. Think about that!

I always thought everyone thinks their own children are gorgeous. I think mine are the best looking little boys in the world. My youngest is still in toddler years is just so cute with dimples and my oldest is coming into his features and is like a film star in my eyes 😂
I really thought I thought this because they’re mine and it’s a thing, maybe they really are gorgeous! 🤯

Anyway, the long and the short of it is beauty is skin deep and when someone is beautiful inside that’s what comes out, I’m sure your children are pretty normal when they grow up the love and self respect they have for themselves will show on their faces.

My last thought worth mentioning is maybe they are absolutely fine but you thought you were beautiful and should have had stunning children, maybe this might be an inside into how you see yourself. Perhaps you’re just normal and so are they. IDK but I always thought I was ugly but as previously stated my children are stunners 😂

Yes I think you've been brave and honest to post this OP.

I think my kids are gorgeous of course and love their faces, but I can also objectively see their features. Not everyone can be incredibly good looking.

And it's a sad fact that looks get you places, like it or not.

Remember that you married and love your DH even though he is not the best looking guy.

Why thank you!

Ps. it's true, as a child I looked like an actual alien 😅

Reading these comments I’m genuinely shocked I’ve been under the impression all my life that we were programmed to think our own kids are gorgeous.

Yeah my kids look. Nothing like me and slightly alien like. But they are lovely kids and I’m sure they will grow into their looks 😂 In 29 years of volunteer work with kids I’ve found the really stunning pretty ones as young kids generally don’t look as stunning as adults or young adults as they grow out of those looks and it is less in proportion. I have boys so I worry less about their looks than if I had girls.

What's the point to this? Were you hopoing more people would be shallow and unkind about their own kids to make you feel a bit more normal?

Some thoughts are best kept to yourself, hope your kids/husband don't know you are on mumsnet and never see this post.

I think I'm better looking now I’m old. It’s all in the head. Best post though love it 😝

Whilst working in a nursery I always noticed that beautiful women often had plain children, and vice versa. Kids all grew into nice looking people though

If you have a girl don't mention to her that she looks like her Dad (and not like you). She'll know what that means and she'll be desperate to look like her mummy. My mum did this to me (she had classical features) and gave me huge insecurities about my looks. It breaks my heart now seeing how much my little daughter wants to look just like me.

I think it's pretty normal to wonder about this.

Before having kids I always joked to DH that if we ever had a girl I hoped she would look nothing like him (as he has very masculine features, large head, square jaw, square shoulders, big legs...).

As it happens, DD looks just like him, really, it's uncanny! But she is actually the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

I don't know if I'm blinded by my love for her or if she genuinely is and am even more confused after this thread!

But either way, I don't suspect it will matter. Enjoy your DC OP.

Comparison is the thief of joy

I have 4 children (no5 on the way) my one daughter had an awful awkward stage from around 5-12 , she needed braces, the glasses she wanted really didn't suit her & she kept cutting her own fringe really badly, all my other children have very blonde ringlets & her hair is straight & mousy, she's 15 now & she's is stunningly gorgeous, she's very slim, she has highlights, either glasses that suit her or her contacts & has braces but they arnt very obvious,they may grow into their looks ...

Mine look a scruffy mess the majority of the time but my eldest is definitely more handsome and thought the youngest was an ugly and not at all photogenic baby. Youngest has definitely grown into his looks though as is much cuter now. I think they are both lovely though and have so many positive qualities and despite being able to objectively discuss their attractiveness I have never really noticed or considered if any of their friends are attractive. They don't seem to have any interest in what they look like and hopefully that will continue that their confidence and happiness isn't linked to their looks

Not my DC (who were cherubs as children but are going through the difficult teenage years now), but I felt this about my friend. She and her DH are very good-looking, but only their DS was attractive as a child - however, their DD is absolutely stunning now.

I'm with you OP my kids are ugly and stupid just like my in laws and I'm seriously considering leaving because I can't love them. Me and spouse are brilliant, accomplished and beautiful. The kids remind me why you don't marry bad stock. Think of it like horses. I'm at the end of my fertility so I want to leave to have a donor sperm child.

If it helps OP, I'm not beautiful and it doesn't matter at all. I have loads of friends, I had a wonderful marriage, and a great career. I'm really happy, well loved, and thriving.

Most people are not beautiful and it's absolutely fine. It's not very important.

What a daft post.

First of all your kids will look very different as they grow up.

Then as a parent your job is to help them be healthy, develop their own personality and self confidence. You can help them have a good body image by making sure they have a healthy diet and active lifestyle. That will give them a good start on life.

They Don't need to look like supermodels to have a happy life and you seem to be pushing your own insecurities and obsession with looks unto them which is totally unnecessary.

I really like this - I think it's a frank and succinct, and somehow joyful, assessment of how the vast majority of people in the world who are not beautiful end up in relationships, many of which will be with more conventionally attractive people. Some of those relationships will be meh, as they all are, but some will be happy and thrilling and sexy (sorry but ykwim).

As for all the posters who came before this one, and I'm sure after too although I can't be arsed to read - do you understand that for humans, what one wishes to be is rarely what one is?

I would like to be a morally admirable person who has never had a negative thought about a friend - let alone about my children.

But like most of us, I am not.

As an aside, in my fifties I have noticed that the relationships which seem to still have A Sex Spark® are never between two equally conventionally attractive people, who have often revealed the underlying dullness that had been masked by good looks by this age.