Is there any situation in where you could stay

[dreamer1999]

Been with my partner 8/9 years, we're youngish, me 30 him 29.
We have 3 kids, 5,3 and 1.
Recently found out he had a brief affair with someone (not known to me) and she ended up pregnant and kept it. He only told me as she has opened a maintenance case with the cms.
Could you ever move on from this or forgive him? Will I ever not think about it or be able to look at him and not think about what he has done. Please help my head is going to explode.

@MinnieDelight thank you for all your replies, you'd think he is such a nice, quite perfect partner/dad if you didn't know any of this.
We were briefly pregnant at the same time yes. I don't know her but I know who she is and we have mutual connections, she is very dignified and hasn't (to my knowledge) outed him to the mutual people they know, I don't think he is the person I believed he was. I'm just struggling to unscramble everything and get things straight in my head. The thoughts of the affair and child are all consuming, even when the baby wakes in the night, this is the thing instantly on my mind.

Oh this is horrible. I'm so sorry, OP. He's a shit. It's not just a ONS, I personally couldn't get past the protracted cheating, the endless lies, and now only telling you bc he's having to pay CM. And on top of all that, not wanting anything to do with his CHILD.

But I too would find it impossible to be the loving stepmum to the poor kid as well. Hideous position to be in but you deserve better.

I too would tell people. It's not your shame and it'll come out eventually anyway, these things always do.

The shock that you only know one aspect of this man - and therefore you don’t really know him at all must be so disconcerting. Can you afford to speak to a therapist so you have someone to talk this through with and get your thoughts straight? They’ll be removed from the situation and won’t judge you.

I will say - there’s no shame in pragmatism. If you need him around to help you parent, there’s no shame in that. If you want to take a year, three years, ten years to leave -there’s no shame in that. If you want to keep it a secret, there’s no shame in that - but I expect you’ll find judgment and outrage will be on him, not you - and you’re far more likely to get support than pity or ridicule. Having support will make it easier to make your decision.

I couldn't forgive a man who wanted nothing to do with his child.

I'd leave. In time, I would want my children to know their half sibling.

She's not that dignified if she had sex with him in your own bed, OP.

Honestly, you've seen the true side of him. He's a liar, a cheat, he has no boundaries, he didn't protect her from pregnancy, he didn't protect you from her getting pregnant, he refused to pay child support, he only told you because he was forced into it.

I know you're in shock now but ffs, this man is a monster.

@MounjaroOnMyMind I know that it's wrong what she did, who knows what he was telling her though, I wasn't there, he could of said I moved out or spun her any crap. At the moment I don't have the headspace to think about her.

It wasn't a brief affair, you said they were talking for a year and they had sex when she was 4-5 months pregnant - so they were having sex together over a period of at least 4-5 months, including in your house and including while you were pregnant.

He is not the man you thought he was.

He has known there would be a baby for quite some time. He only told you when he knew you would find out because of the money.

He wouldn't pay for his child until he was forced to.

He is willing to have no contact with his own child.

Is this the man you want to be in a relationship with?

@Schoolchoicesucks I know it seems pathetic and ridiculous to even think about staying with him, if there wasn't children I'd of been gone when he told me, I have nothing against the other child but I do begrudge the £600 a month cm, I mean that as in taking away money from us because he couldn't keep it in his pants.
It's all such a mess and the only people that know are his parents and his mum blames the ow, saying she shouldn't of kept the baby, like that's the issue here 🙄 so I can't even talk to her about it

Absolutely no way would I put up with this

@LoudSnoringDog I would of said the same too, now I'm being pathetic, need to get some self respect and grow a pair I think

You only know about this because of the CM claim.
He's lied to you.
His mother is taking the piss.

OP I commend you for not turning your rage at OW and not focusing on her. You are quite right to be aiming your thoughts and anger at your DP. And that child is an innocent being in all of this.

He really royally fucked up and hearing how his mother responded it sounds like he comes from pretty shit stock.

I dint know what you should do but I would seriously struggle with being with someone who could lie and behave deceitfully towards me every day.

You don't say the age of the child but given the ages of your kids and having several- was he having unprotected sex while you were pregnant. That's such a risk to an unborn child. I couldn't forgive that.

Why are men like this ffs

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Like the whole Annie kilner /kyle walker thing

She says the baby is 1, and that her last pregnancy overlapped with the OW pregnancy.

What an appalling man

I went back and found the post I missed on the ages. Agree he had done the unthinkable.

He sounds vile and doesn't respect women - OP or the OW

Can you afford to leave?

You might have a chance to meet someone yourself and have a lovely family life with them and your children.

I personally would never be able to forgive him. I'd be absolutely furious and yes feel humiliated.
He's absolutely taking the piss, having an affair, shagging her in your bed, shagging her while you were both pregnant, denying his 4 child and being forced to pay maintenance, only then coming clean to you, whining to his mum that he had to contribute to a child he happily brought into the world (was happy to shag the mum while she was pregnant etc)

Honestly what a loser he is

@emailthis yeah, I could probably afford to do it on my own, he would have to pay £750 a month child maintenance alone. I work part time, plus child benefit and a universal credit top up, my parents have the kids when I work so I don't have to pay for childcare.
He's so good with his words and twisting things to suit his narrative. I'm just trying to get from one day to the next at the moment.
He doesn't even answer questions properly, I said, you just think about the fact that you have a child you don't know all the time, his reply was, I want to be here with you and the kids. That's all I care about 🙄

Sorry. I said "you must"

Sounds like he only thinks about what he wants, not any consideration to what his responsibilities to you all are, if he wants to enjoy the benefit of being in a relationship with you & having a family with you.

@emailthis I think he wants it all, his family and outside fun!

Thing is, you longer longer have to think about what he wants, he's lost that privilege.

What you do want?

Personally, I don't think I could stay with someone who did that.

As well as obviously feeling horribly betrayed by the cheating and the getting another woman pregnant, I'd also find it impossible to respect a man who didn't want to have any contact with one of his children. His three children with you have a sibling that he's ignoring, and to me, that's awful. If he wants nothing to do with the child's mother then so be it, but I couldn't love someone who fathered a child and just refused to see it.

Can you see yourself staying with this man for the rest of your life?

Thought not.

Start planning your future. You'll feel better once you take control and focus on the practicalities.