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Original poster

Is there any situation in where you could stay

83 replies

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 00:29

Been with my partner 8/9 years, we're youngish, me 30 him 29.
We have 3 kids, 5,3 and 1.
Recently found out he had a brief affair with someone (not known to me) and she ended up pregnant and kept it. He only told me as she has opened a maintenance case with the cms.
Could you ever move on from this or forgive him? Will I ever not think about it or be able to look at him and not think about what he has done. Please help my head is going to explode.

OP posts:
Lyannaa · 09/02/2025 11:33

I'd be wondering about other affairs he might have had / be having. Usually people reenact behaviour patterns and this is his failing not yours. So it's not as if you are responsible for fixing him.

sprigatito · 09/02/2025 11:34

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 01:11

He isn't pursuing a relationship with the child but is paying maintenance.
The child's mother wanted him to be involved but he doesn't want to be.
All I can think about is that he has a child that isn't with me and I feel like I don't know him. It's pretty much in my head 24/7

A father who intentionally abandons his own child is the lowest of the low OP, an absolute despicable scumbag. I wouldn't be able to look at him, never mind stay married to him. He's disgusting. And that's before you even factor in the cheating and deceit.

Lyannaa · 09/02/2025 11:35

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:30

@soarklyknobs you're 100% right and it makes me wonder if this is the only time he has cheated on me.
This isn't a situation I thought I'd ever be in.
if I'm not enough I'd prefer he left me. Then there's the issue of the children finding out when they're older that they have a half sibling, they only live 23\30 mins away

It's not that you aren't enough. When men leave their wife for another woman, usually they cheat on the affair partner eventually as well.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2025 11:39

I’d struggle to even look at him. I definitely couldn’t stay with him. You poor poor thing, I’m so sorry.

Have you told anyone in real life? You really need proper support from friends or family. Your partner is a stranger now, you can’t trust him. How old is the child now?

Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:43

@AnneLovesGilbert the child is just over a year old.
I haven't told anyone irl because I'm embarrassed to tell them.

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 09/02/2025 11:51

I think you're asking if there is any situation in which I could stay, in this scenario?

For me personally, absolutely not. It's not just the infidelity and its consequences, but the fact that he has tried to shirk his responsibilities. In my eyes he is a lowlife and I wouldn't want to spend another minute in his company.
However, I am financially independent and have good family support. I know it's not as simple if your life is different. Even so, I cannot think of any scenario where I could continue to life with this man, in a loving relationship, regardless of my financial or practical position.
He sounds like an absolute horror. I'm so sorry OP, you must be reeling. You deserve to be with a good person who will love and respect you and who shares your values and life goals. Not this.

Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:52

@CardinalCat he plays the doting dad to our children very well! I'm questioning everything now though as well as thinking about what he's done and caused every second of every day, lady thought at night and first thought in the morning.

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 09/02/2025 11:53

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:43

@AnneLovesGilbert the child is just over a year old.
I haven't told anyone irl because I'm embarrassed to tell them.

Darling, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. What makes you think that you do? The only person who has egg on their face is that silly twat of a man. Please reach out and find support from your people. Accept help and love from those who care for you. By staying quiet you are allowing this situation to alienate you from your lifebelts.

CardinalCat · 09/02/2025 11:55

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 11:52

@CardinalCat he plays the doting dad to our children very well! I'm questioning everything now though as well as thinking about what he's done and caused every second of every day, lady thought at night and first thought in the morning.

It's quite easy for men to play the doting dad role when they are small (and when so much of the emotional labour falls naturally on mum anyway, in most family setups.) Once they are older and you have tricky situations to navigate, they become distinctly less doting and the mask slips, believe me!

Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 12:00

@CardinalCat I don't want my friends and family pitying me and talking about the situation amongst themselves.
I feel embarrassed that he has put me and our children through this, it shows what little respect he has. I can't even think straight since he told me, initially I was numb until
It really sunk in.

OP posts:
soarklyknobs · 09/02/2025 12:00

You should tell everyone.

The shame is his to bear and his alone.

Let Gisele Pelicot be your inspiration. When you hide the misdeeds of men, they simply continue them.

Bring everything out into the open.

By telling friends and family what he has done, they can support you and your children in leaving him, shame him into being a parent to his fourth child and truly understand why you can no longer be with him any longer, rather than (potentially) try to encourage you to stay with him.

The blame and shame is his, don't be his accomplice by hiding it.

CardinalCat · 09/02/2025 12:03

I get that. I remember when my relationship with my dc's father broke down and even though it was fairly amicable, I do recall bristling at the thought of people thinking that I'd somehow failed. However you do have to get past that. The people who love you will have all sorts of feelings about this- and while "pity" might be one of them, it will come in a long list along with- outrage on your behalf, concern, care/ a desire to help you, and pride in your bravery at the fact you aren't putting up with it. I can sure you that pity will not be their overwhelming emotion (and if it is, then they are not the friend or family support that you thought they were!)

GreyAreas · 09/02/2025 12:04

You are enough my lovely. He on the other hand is utterly inadequate. It's not your shame or the child's, so tell your family and friends and get angry.

GuestSpeakers · 09/02/2025 12:08

*You should tell everyone.

The shame is his to bear and his alone.

Let Gisele Pelicot be your inspiration. When you hide the misdeeds of men, they simply continue them.

Bring everything out into the open.*

I really love this advice.

StormingNorman · 09/02/2025 12:08

I couldn’t handle this situation. it’s a no-win scenario for me.

I wouldn’t want my DP having anything to do with the child. I’d want to bury my head in the sand and do everything possible to pretend the child didn’t exist. No child - no affair - never happened.

I also wouldn’t want my DP not wanting to be involved and support the child he created. And I couldn’t live with myself if I supported him walking away from the child.

Wonderi · 09/02/2025 12:49

He knew she was pregnant and had given birth, she contacted him to speak about him paying maintenance, he refused, that's why she went to the cms.

I could maybe forgive a ONS.
I could maybe forgive him getting her pregnant.

But I absolutely could not forgive the 9+ months of complete lies.

This is just the tip of the iceberg and I can only imagine what other lies he’s been telling/keeping stuff from you.

I would be kicking him out asap and telling everyone. (It will come out eventually).

You have nothing to be embarrassed at all!!

Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 14:14

It's eating me up inside. Surely he is thinking about the child
He doesn't know as much as I'm thinking about what he has done

OP posts:
MinnieDelight · 09/02/2025 14:27

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 10:04

It's almost as though he thinks it's ok to not have contact as he "didn't want a child with another woman" 🙄 as if that makes it any better

I think you’re spot on here. Presumably she knew he was married, presumably they both chose not to use contraception, presumably when she found out she was pregnant he made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with her or the child, yet she decided to go ahead anyway. So from his perspective it’s her choice and nothing to do with the him as it’s something he didn’t want. Not excusing him at all - but I can imagine this is what’s going on in his head. I think for this reason, if he’s a good Dad to your kids I’d be less concerned that he doesn’t really love them / would abandon them because he’s doing cognitive leaps to distance himself from a child he didn’t want.

The fact the child is over a year old so he had an affair for a year, she was pregnant for 9 months and has had a child for a year - and he’s kept this secret for nearly 3 years. That is an excessively long period of deception.

Has he had a DNA test?

Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 14:27

Can I just add something to this, he told his parents and his mum said, well she shouldn't of had the baby knowing you didn't want it and if she chose to go ahead she shouldn't ask for maintenance, I feel confused as to what is right and what isn't.
I've always had the view if you have unprotected sex you are pretty much accepting the fact that a baby could be made, my head is wrecked right now

OP posts:
Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 14:29

@MinnieDelight the child is his twin in terms of looks, he showed me her WhatsApp pic when he told me.
No dna test needed. I think I struggle to understand if he's emotionless and heartless being able to do this and that worries me

OP posts:
MinnieDelight · 09/02/2025 14:33

Yes he’s shown he’s capable of long term, life changing deception, he’s capable of not caring about a child - I think you have every right to be concerned.

I strongly suspect if he has the audacity to sleep with her in your home, this isn’t the first person he’s cheated on you with.

Do you suspect that if you kick him out he’ll suddenly take an interest in the child and set up home with this other woman?

What are his ideas for making it right?

Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 14:43

@MinnieDelight I don't know if he'd
Contact the ow, I thinks he feels so wronged by her 🙄
He has weird ways of making things seem right in his head, like, I didn't stop talking to her when she told me she was pregnant, I made sure she had and the baby were ok after the birth, as if this makes me feel any better, I know one of the times they had sex was when she was 4/5 months pregnant which really hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 14:44

@MinnieDelight oh and I told her, I had no intentions of breaking up my family. Honestly the more I go over the things he's said, I think he's deluded

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 09/02/2025 14:47

There are a few circumstances in which I could forgive cheating. But this really isn’t one of them. His affair has created another human. That’s huge.

MinnieDelight · 09/02/2025 14:52

dreamer1999 · 09/02/2025 14:43

@MinnieDelight I don't know if he'd
Contact the ow, I thinks he feels so wronged by her 🙄
He has weird ways of making things seem right in his head, like, I didn't stop talking to her when she told me she was pregnant, I made sure she had and the baby were ok after the birth, as if this makes me feel any better, I know one of the times they had sex was when she was 4/5 months pregnant which really hurts

Oh no no no - he carried on with her after she was pregnant?!! And then justified staying in touch in order to make sure she was ok - but then refused to pay maintenance? No bloody wonder she expected more of him! Were you pregnant at the same time?

This sounds like a long term, deep affair - not a fling. And after embarking on that he leaves her in the lurch and shirks his responsibilities after stringing her along by the sounds of it.

Unless there’s an actual financial reason you can’t separate, I cannot see how you can get past this. You do not deserve to be treated like this, and I can’t see how you’ll ever be able to trust him again, not only from a cheating / lying perspective but because he clearly has absolutely no morals or conscience.