To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

What would you have done with 30 travel mugs?

Token gifts for/from people you don't know well are just a waste of resources and end up in landfil more often than not. Not to be encouraged IMO

Grabby to be honest. I'd never expect a present unless it's a tradition with a small group of friends. Eating out is so expensive as it is!

Meal out with my very close friends - card, possibly a gift.

Meal out with some people I have never met (to be honest I can’t really understand how this works) - no, I wouldn’t bring anything.

The OP has also gone from wanting a £10 voucher to a 99p bit of tat from a charity shop. Did you only invite all these people to get lots of presents?

No one is going to give a grown woman a cheap packet of sweets for their birthday. I don’t know why you keep saying that.

This was in response to someone asking me whether I paid for my own meal, which I was very happy to do.

I'd have brought a card but not a gift to a 27th Birthday meal.

Why wouldn't you be 'very happy' to pay for your own meal?
Why would you expect anyone else to pay for it, or to bring you gifts?
You were simply meeting up to celebrate your birthday - you might have organised the booking but you didn't provide anything for the guests!

The other gifts you suggest are cheap chocolates or something from the 99p shop. Do you really want that? Who wants to eat cheap chocolate when they are an adult?

Yes. If you host (ie pay) then they absolutely should bring a gift. If you invite people to celebrate but they are footing their bill then that is your present. They are spending their money to help you celebrate. You are getting a 'party' on their dime. That's their present

A very small gift is the point I am trying to get across. Something under a tenner or even a fiver. Just something. Something is better than nothing.

Definitely didn’t invite people out for the purpose of getting presents, but do think it’s rude that so many turned up empty-handed and this is something that I personally would not do.

People disagreeing with you doesn't mean they don't "get" what you're saying .

Everyone understands you, the majority just think you're wrong. Not wrong to bring a present - do whatever you want, but wrong to say anyone who doesn't is rude and lacking in etiquette.

If you look in debretts or somewhere traditional etiquette was always that the person who hosted or extended the invite paid for everyone, so you "broke" etiquette first. People in glass houses....

But would you invite your ‘17 close friends’ along with the same number of total strangers you’ve advertised for online to your birthday meal and expect everyone to give you a present as well as paying for a meal with people they’ve never met?

This is such an odd hybrid event, I think all bets are off, really.

I’ve just said I was happy to pay for my own meal. I pay my way. I just thought it was etiquette to attend a birthday celebration with a small gift or buy the birthday girl or boy a drink. That is all. Just some sort of very small token.

I'm 36 so can actually remember 2015 when people were turning 27. The sheer VOLUME of birthdays and festivals and bottomless brunches, just because. Then the engagement parties started to creep in. I was engaged myself around my 27th birthday in fact. Also had holidays with both my partner and still had the odd one with friends. It was a never ending social calendar.

Certainly I did not turn up to everyone's birthday with a gift, especially as I remember there were 20+ of us at most of them. No one would have any time or money! The gift was everyone making the effort and paying for their meal.

After 30-32 no one really did birthdays anymore, so maybe accept this so the start of the birthday decline.

Also an observation is 31 people is A LOT for a birthday. As you get older you might find the numbers decrease and the odd present is bought until it dries up completely and the only birthday celebrations are for the kids.

@Doglover321

the birthday one I probably would mean to bring a gift but would forget. Or indecisive about what to bring then panic it would be shit and not bother.

However the party one is shocking!!!! People really not bringing a bottle to a party?

If you do it again state on the invite ‘bring a bottle of whatever you are drinking’.

OP I'd be tempted to get some sort of etiquette book like Debretts or something. Some people are wired to like rules and that's fine but it would work better if you also had a better understanding of hosting and guest etiquette.

@Doglover321

I’ve just said I was happy to pay for my own meal. I pay my way. I just thought it was etiquette to attend a birthday celebration with a small gift or buy the birthday girl or boy a drink. That is all. Just some sort of very small token.
They did. Their TIME and their MONEY to pay for their dinner which was all to celebrate your birthday. They made your birthday a celebration. That's enough

But you didn’t host according to any recognised etiquette and you clearly have some very odd ideas about social events, so it’s strange to be so dogmatic about other people obeying your rules.

Can I ask why you didn’t limit your birthday meal to your 17 close friends? Why the Meet Up event?

Just something. Something is better than nothing

No it isn’t. Is people not turning up to spend time with you on your birthday not enough? Why do you need “stuff”

A party hosted by someone at their house does usually warrant a gift (usually a bottle, or something edible if they don't drink), so in my view the attendees were rude.

Who did you invite to these parties? Were these also "meetups"? (I'm not familiar with how meetups work)

If those were your friends, then it is clear that gift-giving is not the norm in your circle.

I think if you're concerned about "ettiquette" the only correct way to do it is to pay for everyone if you've invited them. And then they'd bring a gift.

I agree that's not the modern way, but you can't have it both ways.

Just friends on those occasions, since it was at my house

For a party, it's usually considered polite to bring a bottle of whatever you'd like to drink (unless its a formal dinner party where the host will have planned drinks), and also to bring a gift for the host (a bottle, chocolates etc.).

That's worse than turning up empty handed!

OP:
"Should my guests be expected to follow traditional etiquette when it costs them money and results in me getting free stuff? - yes!"

"Should I be expected to follow traditional etiquette when it costs me money and results in my guests getting free stuff - no!"