To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Yes, I'd just be annoyed by someone shoving a pack of Tangfastics at me. I'm not a 6 year old.

In that case op, I cordially invite you to my birthday party next year. I don't need to know your name and there'll be so many people I won't even be sat with you or even speak to you. You'll obvo be paying for your own meal. Please leave your gift for me on the side. Thanks.

Exactly this 👏

I don’t understand your comment when I have said that I would and have always brought gifts (free stuff) to friend’s birthdays knowing that I would be paying for my own meal like they have to at my birthday meals.

If someone hosts (in other words pays for) a party, then yes a card and/or gift and/or bottle of something (if it's at home).
If it's just a bunch of people invited out and they pay for their own meal then why on earth would they also pay for yours and/or bring you a gift?

I have never said that I would have expected anyone to pay for my meal….

@Doglover321 you really don’t understand. If you host guests for your birthday celebration - ie you provide food/drinks either at a home or other venue then you could reasonably expect it would be good manners for them to bring a gift.

if you DO NOT HOST but instead just invite them to pay for a meal out for themselves it isn’t correct to expect them to lay out further cash for a gift for you.

inviting people to a meal they are paying for IS NOT HOSTING 🤦‍♀️

Isn't them paying in the region of £30 each to attend your birthday celebrations enough of a "token" for you?

OP - you just need to accept that "birthday etiquette" isn't really a thing as an adult. No one except your closest friends care about your birthday.

If you put yourself out financially to host a party (e.g. hold a party at your house), people should bring a gift/contribution whether it is your birthday or not. Your friends did not do this when you hosted at your house, which was rude of them.

Otherwise, gifts are optional. Your closest friends may buy you a gift if they see something you'd like, but people aren't usually going to bring a gift to a meal out (especially random acquaintances who don't know you well).

If you organised an Xmas meal at a restaurant (with everyone paying their own way), would you expect everyone to give you Xmas gifts at the meal? Or would you expect a big public present exchange with everyone giving each other gifts? Of course not (or at least I hope not!)

You weren't hosting OP, you just told people which restaurant you'd be in on what day, and what time. You didn't provide food, drink, entertainment or any hospitality at all! You had a nice (possibly) birthday get together, but you weren't hosting.

It was when you wrote 'Nope, no offer of drinks and had to pay for my own meal!' I thought you might have been expecting someone to pay for your mean - the use of 'had' and the '!' were what gave me that impression.

Is this the night out you ordered for a bunch of people you hardly knew?

Same here. I’m baffled.

In these situations I do agree most people would bring a drink and/or something to share. Wouldn't expect cards or presents though. I'd personally take a bottle of wine and a small dessert.

I was invited to a birthday for someone I'd just met a few weeks ago. She was hosting at her house. I took a bottle of wine and a card.

I would expect to pay for my own meal but we would never turn up empty handed!!!

The gift that your lovely friends, and lots of them, gave you was to pay to go out for a meal to celebrate your birthday. At your choice of venue at your date of choice.

That is the gift.

If you host a big catered party, with drinks and food provided then yes would expect to give a gift.

Paying for own meal, that is the gift

It’s not you OP. It’s your so-called friends. It’s astonishingly rude to turn up to a birthday celebration and not acknowledge that’s what it is. A £3.50 scented candle or a box of maltesers (other sweets are available) is all that’s required. It’s not hard! and it needn’t be expensive.
the friends who came to your house without so much as a bottle in their hand - I would drop them.

But then I’m older (60).

Lots of people say don't bring any presents so less expected. Also people live in small houses and have nowhere to put gifts. Also people struggling with cost of living and anti consumerism is spreading for environment reasons

Of course it makes a difference! They are already paying to celebrate your birthday! Dear god, the entitlement!

But she messages them all on a group chat so they are besties don’t forget.

Paying for their own meal is the gift, surely everyone knows that.

They paid for you to have a birthday party, why would they bring a gift too?

Awww diddums.

Yes