To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

I wouldn't bring a gift to a birthday meal like the one you arranged OP and I wouldn't expect any gifts. My friends and I generally don't do gifts. Although, if we see something we particularly like for a friend we might buy it as a random gift.

Little 'anything' gifts like chocolate or candles are fine but I don't see the point of them.

I think it's really sad that you are 'disappointed' in your friends, they made the effect to come and celebrate and now you think negatively of them. You can see from this thread that it's not unusual not to do presents and yet you are still disappointed.

You sound a bit grabby. At most I would think it lovely (not obligatory) if friends chipped in to pay the birthday persons meal. Wouldn’t expect gifts of any sort if already asking people to fork out for meals out.

As an adult even if I hosted my birthday at home, a card would be nice, not expected 🤷‍♀️ would just be nice to spend my birthday with people I like. @

I'd be chuffed if 31 people came to my birthday meal, and wouldn't really know what to do with 31 presents anyway

But surely, if you can't afford a meal out you just don't organise one?!

And if you've only paid for your own meal, WHICH YOU HAVE CHOSEN, how on earth are you "out of pocket"?

You message 17 people daily, op? Not surprised you're unemployed, sounds like you don't have time to work, you must spend the whole day messaging on your phone. 🧐

I never said I was out of pocket, I said I would be if I were to pay for everyone else’s meal - which is what some think should have been done. I can’t possibly afford to pay for sit-down meals for 32 people including myself and wouldn’t want to do this on my birthday in any event.

It is a Facebook group chat

So you're expecting people to pay to celebrate your birthday, and you want a gift on top of that? Really?

What is the etiquette in this event? In your opinion.

I wouldn’t have brought a present OP. It’s a non significant birthday (27), and you weren’t hosting a party at your house, you weren’t cooking, providing drinks etc. People were basically coming to a restaurant to celebrate your birthday with you, and paying for themselves. It would have been nice if they’d paid for your meal though, or at least some drinks.

It’s nice if people bring a bottle or contribution, no biggie if they don’t.

Honestly op , you sound petty, childish, and entitled. Some of those people sound like acquaintances. Unless you usually buy ordinarily for birthdays outside of plans, I don't see a problem. If anything there was less reason for anybody to get anything, as they showed up for YOUR birthday, and paid for THEIR own self, like adults. I never understand why grown adults are so dramatic, and expect others to make such a fuss. It isn't a kids birthday party? Sweets?

OP if you host a party at your house then people should definitely bring something. I would either ask if any food was needed, and if not, I’d bring drinks. People turning up empty handed at someone’s house, to eat the food and drink they’ve prepared, is very rude.

If you want people to bring something to Christmas or New Year parties you are hosting then ask them to bring a bottle or something towards the buffet. If you know your friends don't normally contribute I'm not sure why you are surprised they didn't bring you birthday gifts. You might get more presents if you just celebrate with a few close friends

It would be nice if people brought a bottle but I wouldn't expect any kind of gift or card in either scenario.

Meal out where paying for own meals. Card maybe. Present no.

Party/meal at your house - bottle of wine or champagne and possibly chocs/flowers too depending on how close a friendship.

A very small gift (gift voucher with small £5 amount, bag of sweets, or cheap box of chocs for example) OR a drink bought for me. Not one single person offered to buy me a drink

Bringing something like a bottle to an event like that would be expected. I wouldn't expect an extra Christmas present though and if a person chooses to send cards I'd expect them to send them out earlier.

Just to clarify, I obviously haven’t spoken to any of my friends about this. But I did have someone attend, watch me open a small gift from my closest girl friend and then say: ‘oh, I was going to buy you something, but then decided not to’. This person also told me the following week that they were out buying a birthday present for their other friend. Thought this was a bit rude

Previous week sorry, not following.

Flipping heck, you invite people to a meal to celebrate your birthday, they have to pay for themselves and you still expect a present?

I'd bring a gift to a party. I'd bring a gift if it were a meal at your house you were providing. I wouldn't expect gifts at a meal where guests are already paying for food and booze.

Depends how good a friend she considers you to her other friend. I have about 3 I buy for now but a wide social group. Others would just be Big birthdays. It stops when you leave school/uni in my experience.

Oh I also agree as well that you weren't providing the meal, they don't need to bring anything other than themselves. I once had a friend like you, she was supposed to have a party, but then questionably cancelled that fairly last minute. I hadn't bought her present yet, she hadn't bought me anything for the same birthday, but i still bought her a token gift, and a drink. The present was too cheap for her, and she complained about it by making sarcastic comments infront of everybody, blanked me on the night out. The others had only bought slightly more expensive presents because they thought they were going to a party, and has gotten it in earlier. The present together with the overpriced drink actually added up to more than enough. Needless to say I distanced myself after that. In her defence we were 21, and she was immature for her age.

What do you mean ‘you once had a friend like me’? I’ve said I’d be very happy with a cheaper gift. Even something from the charity or 99p shop. A gift is better than no gift.

I just wouldn’t dream of turning up empty-handed. I’d resort to charity shop or 99p store before turning up empty-handed