To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Not sure exactly what the OP would have done with 31 bunches of flowers and 31 cards while she had her curry, then drinks in the pub and playing pool. So probably best that everyone didn't do this!

I even find the 31 people odd, who has that many people at a birthday beyond whole class primary school parties?

Surely there must have been some couples amongst them. Op did you even buy the first round?

@Needanewname42

The Op advertised the meal on the' Meet Up ' website/app.

Hence some total strangers turning up.

I wouldn't take a gift to a friends Birthday meal & wouldn't expect any of my friends to bring me one either for my Birthday. It would work out quite expensive if you did this for all friends as even £10 per friend can run into £100s if you have lots of friends. If the friend was hosting at their home & were providing food & drinks then I would take a gift to say thank you to the hosts but not if I was eating out & paying for my meal & drinks.

Which is an even more weird thing to do. I've never heard of the App, but I can't imagine advertising my birthday for random strangers to turn up. Nor can I even imagine myself going to a random strangers birthday.
And I definitely don't think I'd take a gift to someone I don't know. TBH I'd be partly curious as to why they felt the need to have advertised it as an open event. Do they have no friends or family to invite?

I've read through the long, long list of OP's posts.

She's unemployed, but that's not it. She can't afford to pay, but that's not it.

She's reduced her expectation from £10 gift vouchers to £5 gift vouchers to anything from a charity shop costing 99p.

What she will not back down is the expectation that people must bring her a gift - even though she's invited random strangers to her birthday celebration. And she knows only half of them from a Facebook group.

She will not accept that people turning up to help her celebrate her occasion is gift and kindness enough.

She will not accept good will and kindness as a lovely gift.

It must be something with a monetary value and given to her for the specific reason of her birthday, even if it is a stranger turning up to her social media post.

I think there is either a mental health vulnerability or a cultural ethnic minority difference. No one raised in Britain with traditions of giving out birthday cake to guests at birthday parties and giving out party bags - ever expects to just be given "stuff" from the wider public JUST BECAUSE it's their birthday.

In Britain we also either give something of value to our birthday guests (usually hosting/paying for a party), or we just value them for turning up to help celebrate our birthdays in their own time.

I'm still not sure whether OP is just nasty and entitled or vulnerable and ignorant.

On her earlier thread about the party (which was linked upthread) OP asks for advice on birthday meal etiquette as she is not from the UK 🤦🏻

I think you should possibly read through the OP's long and lengthy list of replies.

She cannot get her head around anyone else's viewpoint.

She cannot get her head around another culture's way of celebrating birthdays.

She's been told in so many polite ways, that unless you're hosting a party - don't expect gifts.

She's been told in so many polite ways, that unless you're inviting friends - not random social media contacts and strangers - don't expect gifts.

She's been advised to play a "host" role and put her hand in her own pocket. She has every excuse under the sky for to host and give financially.

I think any soicety is tough to crack. We all have basic ground rules of social interaction - sort of - if we realise it's someone's birthday, we might go the extra step and make them a cup of tea.

But she is intractable in her belief that IT'S HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE IS OWED A BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM EVERYONE. She has no concept that she is actually trying to exploit people.

She is actually trying to exploit people for monetary or gift gain and for no actual financial outlay from herself.

I would not like to venture that she is looking for a scam to exploit.

@OldPerson

I know, that’s my point, the thread is ridiculous

Presence over presents

This must be a joke thread. If not you are massively entitled.

So you invited them to a restaurant to celebrate you. They paid for their own food and drink? But them giving up their time is not enough for you! You expect a gift and when you don’t get it take to the Internet for sympathy!

If you’d invited them to your home or to a venue for a party where you provided drinks and food then yes a gift would be the norm. Not for a grown adult asking people to come to a restaurant at their own expense. Then it’s entirely up to them.

perhaps you need to work a little on gratitude and humility?

Yes, it does. Pay for your own meal - that's the present.

You might not work but I’m sure they’ve had to work for their money…. They’ve spent enough attending your mean. This is such a non issue as an adult

Yea, yea, it does. You invited people out for your birthday, they came and paid for their own meal and drinks and you're moaning you didn't get a gift?! Must have been your 12th birthday or something. Show some gratitude.

I have had parties where some people bring gifts/cards and others don't. I don't think it's that much of a big deal. They are there to celebrate with you either way. It's not all about stuff.

Ummmmm YES! You didn’t host. You just booked a restaurant. You did nothing to warrant gifts.

to be honest, in my 30’s too and if I’m going out for someone’s birthday I’d buy them a couple of drinks rather than get a gift. Unless a really close friend then I’d have probably dropped a gift or flowers in to them at home.

I said it earlier, one simple word...

greedy !

Yes I would take a present for a children’s party, but not an adults (but especially if I was paying for my own meal and drinks).
I haven’t bought a friend a birthday present in about 20 years (nor received one from a friend). I only exchange presents with immediate family now. Honestly I think there’s been a cultural towards buying less unnecessary stuff, having less clutter, spending less money, and generally caring for the environment. I wouldn’t take it personally!

Yes that makes a huge difference! How can you expect them to pay for their own meal at your birthday and give a present? They’re already spending their time and money on you. A card would be more than enough. If you are hosting the dinner ie paying for everyone then I think a small gift should be expected.
I think it’s extremely poor etiquette in itself to host a birthday party and expect people to pay for their own dinner tbh.

So you expected 31 presents ? Or at least something from each person you invited ? You must come from a rich background?? There is a cost of living crisis. People’s time is much more invaluable than gifts.

If you're unemployed OP and struggling for money, stop buying gifts for your friends. Honestly, adults don't need anyone to buy them stuff, bar maybe very close family/partners etc. I would always buy children a birthday present, but I've found grown adults with the ability to spend their own money on stuff they want, don't really expect birthday gifts, and they don't care if their friends don't buy them. If you stop buying gifts for your friends, you'll probably be less bothered when your friends don't buy you gifts for your birthday.

No one has 17 close friends. I think perhaps the OP is a little socially inept

With the exception of 1 friend, my friends and I stopped buying each other gifts around mid 20s. Families expand so have nieces and nephews to buy for and our own children and children's friends when they have birthday parties. As well as our own homes to pay for. Your lucky they made it to the meal, I'm surprised you actually expected gifts from over 30 people who spent their own money and time during a Cost of Living crisis to celebrate with you.

Yes it absolutely does. For my 30th I paid for everyone's dinner at a very posh place (we are not wealth off but I invited everyone!). I didn't expect gifts but people were very generous.