To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

Also OP you didn't say whether everyone at these other massive birthday outings brought presents. Only that you did.
If you don't know the culture and customs what others do not you matters

A few years ago, I hosted (and paid for) a lavish meal and party at a famous London restaurant for a milestone birthday. I was shocked by the number of people who dropped out last minute (and whose meals still had to be paid for) or who turned up totally empty-handed, without even a birthday card. I have never hosted again and perhaps never will as a result of this experience.

I wouldn't expect 30 people to buy me a present, especially if they'd given me their time. Is that why you asked them? Do they usually buy you something?

Getting together is the present.

Expecting gifts is a bit childish. They’re obviously lovely to receive but I wouldn’t expect presents in that scenario.

If I was a close enough friend that I’d buy you a Christmas present, I’d buy you a birthday present. If you hosted me at your house and fed me, I’d bring a couple of bottles and a small gift. Otherwise it’s just a get together that I’m paying for, and you’re the kind of friend not on my Christmas present list (there are only two) - I’d bring a card.

As long as everyone paid for their own meal, I wouldn't really be expecting gifts. Gifts are more appropriate for childrens' parties
Birthday cards are always welcome though.😄

Whenever I've arranged nights out I've never expected presents and cards to carry around, sorry assuming here you would be going to bars after or before? If a case of just the meal in one place, well same really. My close friends bring presents round personally. However if I'm going out to celebrate a birthday meal and it's one place I always take a card and gift. I would see these as a bonus and the fact they're there as enough really. Xx

Yes, especially if it's Christmas eve lol 😆 😂

Personally I would always go with a card and a gift, doesn’t have to be expensive but I would take something even if it was some chocolates in a gift bag.

We have some friends we always invite for DCs birthdays, they never bring anything yet we always do. I find it rude but have now stopped taking gifts for their kids.

You're not clear.

Were you asking people to come out and celebrate your birthday - and everyone pays for themselves?

Or were you hosting a grand event and paying for everyone?

If you were asking everyone to give up their time and spend money for you to feel happy, at a place of your choosing, at a time of your convenience, then they probably thought they were making you happy by attending.

When you're young and poor, it's how you celebrate mates' birthdays. You show up for a pint on their birthday, to show you care, and keep costs low. But what really matters is the friends who show up.

However, did you spend any money on them?

Because if you spent money on your guests, then of course they're rude not to turn up with a card and/or flowers, chocolates, etc.

Sometimes I think people prefer it if you don’t get things as they don’t want to feel obliged to get something back (or bad about not getting something).

If people are paying for their own meal and drinks, they don’t need to bring a gift on top of that.

@MelifluousMint yeah can absolutely understand that view also

A few things strike me here. Firstly, you (or at least your friends) are reaching an age where, other than ‘significant’ birthdays, most adults either don’t celebrate, or do so with just people they are close to. The mass celebrations featuring tons of randoms and people one mostly just chats to online etc, tend to stop once everyone is that bit older. People start to move away for work or cheaper housing, have children, and change how they celebrate birthdays. The focus starts being on children, or smaller get togethers with actual friends, where people make the effort to get together who maybe don’t see each other face to face that frequently anymore.
Secondly, if a friend is hosting a get together of close friends (ie a handful of people who really like other and know each other well), either at their house or a restaurant, I would be more inclined to get a gift. If it’s a big get together (which 30+ people is), there’s not going to be much opportunity to spend time with the host, and it’s frankly all going to be a bit impersonal, especially if there’s a load of strangers there. Frankly, in that situation just turning up is the gift.

Jeez, the greed is astounding

If people paid for their own meal then I wouldn't expect anything, but if I was paying for their meal then I would be surprised if they didn't get me anything.

I'd probably take a small gift but I am older and 'old school'. Embarrassingly so at times. I took a plate of cakes to my in laws house on the day of my mum in laws funeral only to find when we got back to the house there was a fully fledged ( and rather posh) catered buffet going on.Loyally,my kids ate my cakes! I meant well,but cringe...
What a lovely turn out for your birthday,OP.

For children’s birthdays, yes. Adults no, unless it’s a big birthday like 40/50/60. I do buy my two very close friends birthday cards and gifts every year but we have been friends for 40 plus years.

Was just thinking the same 😂. It’s like the old sea captain in Blackadder II for those old enough to remember (‘opinion is divided on the matter…’)!

Not when you’re a grown up no, maybe very close friends if you always tend to gift to each other
all your friends came and forked out for a meal and their own drinks
can’t see why you’re upset

I recently went to a client's 80th birthday party in a restaurant. She had 60 people attending and invited my partner who she had never met. She paid for the whole thing herself and on the invites said no presents please....she instead requested donations to the local homeless charity on her behalf.
Think you are being unreasonable! I'd just be glad people came if I was you

Op I think your idea of etiquette is different to most. If you hosted a party at your house and paid for food etc. then it would be normal for guests to bring something for the host. But if I was invited out for a meal I wouldn't necessarily take a gift unless it was someone I usually bought a gift for every year. Surely your friends have gone to effort to keep the date free, the expense of the meal etc. surely you just happy they attended.

Do you buy birthday presents for all 30 people you invited?

The idea of taking a packet of maltesers for the birthday girl is making me cringe.

so did you only arrange this meet up meal on your birthday in order to receive presents ?

greedy !

So many people with nil social etiquette. You go to someone’s birthday you get something . Flowers at a minimum and card .

But not to a meet up event that just happens to be someone’s birthday