To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

You arranged a meal. you chose for it to be on your birthday that was your choice of date ! several people who came via ' Meet Up ' didn't even know you !
and you say ' I just think it’s rude to come completely empty-handed.'
they came and joined you, and others, for a meal.

You didn't hire a hall, put on a buffet and pay for a dj !

did you arrange this meal just to get birthday gifts ?

Yes absolutely I do. A card and a small gift or two if I am invited to their meal out/party. Plus I send my long distance best friend stuff in the post for her birthday, plus something for her child’s birthday :)

I don't know, I would bring some sort of gift to be on the safe side, but I don't think I would exactly "expect" gifts if I did this. I mean, when you're an adult, it's not really a "birthday party" - it's using a birthday as an excuse for a general get-together. Do you really want 31 presents? Where would you put them all?

I agree with this.
Well, this and virtually every other answer across the 14 pages.

'Birthday Etiquette' as far as I am concerned, is:
Mates go out for a meal somewhere - everyone pays for own meal and drinks and no-one is expected to take a present
or
(Usually for a 'big birthday' - 21st, 40th, 50th, 60th) Birthday person hosts - ie pays for the buffet or meal at the party - and guests bring a present.

When having a house party, you put out a bit of a buffet and guests all bring what they want to drink themselves plus a token (bottle or flowers) to thank you for hosting
When a student - someone says you can use their house. Everyone brings own drink. Send out for a pizza or a curry when get hungry later.

I know this isn't AIBU, but you really are.

That's before I get started on the oddness of inviting strangers into this fabulous tight knit group of 18 people who all message each other daily, let alone 2 people you've never even met.

I don’t buy stuff for my adult friends, unless it’s a big birthday. I might get them a card, will always buy them a drink.

I will buy my best friend a present. But it gets too expensive otherwise. YABU

In the nicest way OP there are plenty of people I messaged regularly in group chats who I don't consider close friends.

When you were hosting the parties at your house/providing drinks and food, yes they should have bought something.

When I see my friends for their birthdays I always bring a gift, however I have never been invited to an event like your describing. With my friends a birthday meal out tends to be up to 10 people who all know the host extremely well. Or a party where food/drinks have been provided.

Your sense of self importance and entitlement is astonishing.

you now seem annoyed that no one bought you a cake, unbelievable

Definitely makes a difference. Even more so with COL.

Having read your updates, it's odd that the 17 people you say you're close to didn't all bring cards. The other ones you don't know well so you can't really count them.

You sound like a very generous person, and perhaps you should reevaluate that. If you attended 31+ birthday events a year and buy a card and a present each time at around £10, that's £310! And that's not to mention the huge cost of meals out/nights out. Surely you cannot afford that while unemployed and living with your emotionally abusive mum. And even working people might struggle, so if your group of friends attend many events like yours consider that it may be very expensive to also add gifts.

I wish I had such a large group wanting to celebrate my birthday with me - that must have been lovely! How do you find all these people with such age ranges and become friends with them? Tips welcome!

All of these people gave you a gift.

They gave you a gift of their time and their company.

In terms of etiquette/manners this really depends on what is the social norm within particular groups.

It seems from your group, it is not normal to bring a gift.

Sounds like you invited so many to hedge your bets and maximise any potential gifts you clearly were expecting. You're wild 🤣

I went to a friends birthday meal and paid for myself plus it got rounded up as the bill Was split evenly rather on what we have and we all paid for her meal. So basically I paid for nearly double what I had ordered at the meal, which was fine but expensive. Plus I drove there and paid for parking etc. For me, at the moment that's quite an expensive night. I didn't also buy her a present.
I have 2 very close friends I buy birthday presents for but nothing for other friends. If the meal was paid for or it was a party I would have got her a present but not in addition to paying for a meal.

I’ve asked the OP why she advertised her birthday meal as an event on Meet Up, and if her actual friends realised they were attending an advertised Meet Up event, but got no reply.

I could understand it if she were lonely, new in town and decided it might be fun as a way to meet people, but it makes very little sense, when she has the much-mentioned ‘17 close friends’, to advertise it to a 900-member Meet Up group as well, making it a weird, over-large hybrid where 31 people were sitting across three separate tables, AND that she started another thread a week or two ago worrying that people would refuse to pay for their meal on the night, because she’d phrased the Meet Up ad as ‘host’s birthday, grab’em while you can’ for ‘click bait reasons’.

I imagine many attendees were puzzled.

It's not common among my friend group to bring gifts for adults. If I'm already paying to attend a birthday meal organised by someone else then that is effectively my gift to them. Otherwise it becomes prohibitively expensive

I'm quite baffled that any adult would organise a 31 person dinner for a 27th birthday... it's hardly a milestone event.

What? No I don’t? Someone asked me if anyone did and I said no and I’m glad that they didn’t because I didn’t want the embarrassment?

I think some people are getting the wrong end of the stick

Sorry I misunderstood, I think it was because you wrote no twice, it made it seem like it was a big deal.
I think you actually taking a birthday cake was not needed but would have been quite nice.

the struggle I am having with you though is that you are very insistent that it is rude not to bring a present and are not listening to what everyone is telling you. 31 people attending a birthday is a huge amount and you don’t seem to appreciate that they have gone to the effort and expense to join you.

Older women were always raised to be people pleasers and martyr themselves because it was a generation when women weren't encouraged to challenge tradition. You can - just because you were raised with a belief doesn't make it correct or relevant anymore. Being a martyr and overly generous for no reason isn't a virtue, it's foolish. And frankly buying meaningless tat contributes to consumerism as an indicator of friendship. It isn't. Friendship and etiquette isn't about gifting presents in 2024, it's giving the gift of time in an era where time is the most precious commodity. Value that and you'll value your own time more as well.

You seem very obsessed with etiquette, but in a highly selective way.

In my friendship group it would be considered very strange (i.e. poor etiquette) to invite strangers from an app to a group meal (whether it was for a birthday or not). Most people want to feel comfortable among friends when they socialise. They may not expect to know absolutely everyone there, but it's not normal for half the group to effectively be strangers.

And sending out "click bait" birthday invites to said strangers.... also not really good etiquette.

If you want to see all your guests displaying impeccable etiquette, then I'd start by hosting in the normal way (like you did at the parties you held at your home). If your friends continue to be rude and not even bring a bottle when you are properly hosting, then drop them - those are freeloaders, not friends.

I think you’re the rude one, OP, inviting strangers on meet-up hoping for free presents.

To a restaurant where you aren’t providing anything at all.

Also, past a certain age no one typically cares about birthdays anymore.

This whole thread is quite odd!

OP, on your previous thread you said you are not from the UK. You asked posters for guidance on customs and etiquette.

Would you expect to pay for yourselves or for the birthday girl/boy to pay for everyone? Etc. Just want to know the general consensus here in the UK.

It’s so weird that you’re disagreeing with the majority of posters rather than listening – when you state that this is not your culture and you are not fully familiar with how things are done!

Why are you saying birthday etiquette is ‘not what it used to be’? You’re 27 and living in a different country and culture to the one you grew up in. 😵‍💫

It’s a bit arrogant really – I lived in a different country and I was interested in the culture there and how things were done. I respected that there were different customs and that it was up to me to learn and fit in, not the other way round! You might find it rude not to get a present off everyone, but that’s not because people are not following the ‘correct’ etiquette. It’s because your expectations are not attuned to the culture you are situated within.

Why not just say – is this the norm here?! It’s so weird that you’ve framed it as a decline in etiquette. 😆

This.
Etiquette centres around hosting.
Also what did you even do to celebrate your birthday? There wasn't any cake, was there even any singing....

It was Indian meal out and then we went to a nearby pub for drinks and pool.

Sounds like a completely normal meetup outing to me. Apart from the fact that you claimed it was your birthday.