To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

It sounds like you turned your birthday dinner into a MeetUp to try to get presents. Sorry that didn’t work out for you.

I'm early 30s and I would bring a card in the situation described but wouldn't be shocked by someone bringing nothing or someone bringing a nice bottle of wine etc. I still exchange gifts with my 2 best friends, and would get a gift for a special birthday like 30th, but I also cover my own birthday celebrations.
But I don't think most 27 year olds want 31 £1 pieces of tat. And to buy 31 gifts and dinners a year just for birthdays would cost a lot of money. You're actually quite lucky to have so many people show up for a 27th birthday!

This thread is absolutely batshit. I think 2 people who have commented, have said they would bring a gift, which the Op has put a clapping hands emoji and thanked them for “getting it”! The rest have said no, they wouldn’t bring a gift, leading the Op to say “It seems views vary quite a bit!:)” Not really, everyone else disagreed with her!

The Op only wanted a £10 gift voucher from everyone so that she profited by £310, for allowing them (some of whom she has never even met) the honour of attending her birthday meal! By the way, is this a thing, people going to a birthday meal for someone you have never even met? Just seems weird as f@@k to me.

Failing the £10 gift voucher, the Op would now be happy with something for 99p. Can I get invited next year @Doglover321? Just thinking I could go wild on Temu and get you 2 or 3 gifts for less than a £1!

Is this the first time you've arranged something like this? I'm just wondering as your expectations are very definite. Have you done something similar before and received lots of gift?

Also, have you attended a comparable event as a guest? You mentioned a couple of your friends and that you brought them a gift, what did the other attendees do?

@Doglover321 the actual etiquette that you broke was this…

You invited 14 people you barely knew including 2 people you had never met to a birthday party. That is a very very strange thing to do.

The consensus on this thread is that your attendees did not break any rules.

• that you are unemployed isn’t relevant.
• that you gave gifts to Tom and Sylvia isn’t relevant

Because those are your choices…and that’s lovely. But for a meal at a place where guests barely know each other or you (just under 50%) and where they are paying for their own meals not giving you a present is fine.

A cheap present btw might be considered offensive by some. Also some of them don’t know you. How would they know what you might like, be allergic to, appreciate?

They did give you a gift- of their time and company.

My thoughts exactly.

Of course it does.

The gift is them coming to celebrate with you!

Why would they bring a bag of sweets - that's worse than bringing nothing at all

You didn't throw a birthday party, you booked a restaurant and asked people to attend and pay for a meal to celebrate your birthday. There's a difference. People will bring presents to an actual birthday party where food and drinks are provided and you were hosting. The wait staff and chefs were hosting your event and your guests paid them appropriately by buying a meal and service. The gift-giving etiquette is for hosting a birthday party or dinner.

As for the new year and christmas party - not sure what you were expecting? House parties don't traditionally carry a gift unless it's for a birthday. Dinner parties absolutely do. Think of all the times a friend invites people for an impromptu after party after an event, no one brings a gift.

Obv all of your friends except the 5 agree with majority of posters here. Isn't it likely that only those 5 are the ones who consider you a close friend or share your values - and the others aren't your people since you don't like their values. Don't force it. No one is good friends with 31 people to the extent you'd expect anything. It would be very very weird for someone to show up with tat for a person they barely know or a £10 voucher that buys nothing (also tat).

Agree @renoleno

Also

No one is good friends with 31 people.

I agree with this. ^ The OP is probably the same kind of person who has 2379 'friends' on Facebook!

If it’s someone’s birthday and you are invited yes of course you should take a card and small gift, offer to buy them a drink or pay for their meal depending on the location. And for a close friend or family member of course larger presents. Did anyone get you a birthday cake?

Hiya, no, no birthday cake. I was going to bring one myself to share until my mum mentioned it might be strange to have a birthday cake that isn’t brought out while everyone sings Happy Birthday (I didn’t want the fuss!)

Of course it makes a difference that everyone's had to pay for their own meals, their own drinks and probably taxis etc too.

Otherwise why not book out the whole restaurant, pack in as many people as possible at no cost to yourself, sit back and watch the presents roll in.

What I did get is as follows:

A can of Steffanoff and Galaxy Minstrels, a tub of Just Desserts sweets, a book, a small bag, a reed diffuser, two gift cards. Oops, seems 7 people out of 31 brought a gift! That’s not so bad!

But 24 still turned up completely empty-handed and no offer of a drink from anyone.

187 actually.

Mumsnet is so crazy sometimes, l would always take a card and a gift if l was meeting someone to celebrate their birthday, and l would always assume l was paying for my own food and drink.

Yes!!!!

Yes, I have always grown up thinking it was the norm. Maybe people have just got ruder!

If it makes a difference, presents were bought by a lady age 60, lady age 70, lady age 43, lady age 40, man age 33, woman age 50, woman age 36…. (I have a very varied/diverse friend group)

I do find that women, particularly older women, are more polite! Older women seem to have the best etiquette.

I'd probably bring a birthday card, never been in a resturant where people have presents though.
I think you mention a couple of parties you threw that everybody arrived empty handed. Seems like that is how they are.

My DH and I went to one of his distant cousins party recently but it isn’t local and we had to pay for an expensive hotel near the venue which was just a pub. We did bring a card (which I bought) but there was no food or drink laid on, there was a disco but DH said that he’d just buy her a drink as we’d spent loads for travel and the hotel. Feel a bit bad now.

Actually he bought her a few drinks which probably added up to a decent bottle of wine.

That sounds perfect! Just the one drink I was expecting, but not one of the 24 who came empty-handed offered and we hit the pub after our meal.

You're just not going to admit you're wrong are you? Only several people have agreed with you, and the vast majority say you are wrong and unreasonable. Yet you won't back down. Why? Why won't you admit you are being very unreasonable? What was the point of this thread? Did you expect everyone to agree with you that ALL the people who turned up to the Indian Restaurant and paid for their OWN MEALS AND DRINKS and didn't buy you a pwezzie, are all big old meanies???

You must be soooo disappointed that the vast majority of posters disagree with you!!!!! 😢 But why can you not admit you are being unreasonable?

I have to say also, those 5 people became 7 all of a sudden. How odd. 😆

Also, the gifts you got weren't that great. Minstrels, a reed diffuser, sweets??? I would rather have had nothing. Sounds like these 5 people (sorry 7!) raided their kitchen cupboards, and found out some stuff left from Christmas and a couple of unwanted gifts they had had! Probably wanted to bring something as they know what you're like. (Basically that you would berate them behind their back and say what big meanies they are, if they came to the Indian takeaway with no gift for you. Even though they were paying for their OWN MEAL and drinks, and you were providing NOTHING.)

To me, they were great gifts. It’s the thought that counts. Have already saved a bit of money and drank my Stefanoff on a night out. Like I keep saying, I don’t mind how ‘little’ the gifts are. I just think it’s rude to come completely empty-handed.

Op do you buy all these people gifts for their birthdays?

I'll happily go out and have a night out at my own expense for friends birthdays. So i don't think it is rude at all.
I stopped buying friends gifts 20 years ago, with the exception of big birthdays. It got ridiculous we were all passing scarfs and £20 next vouchers round.