To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

It absolutely makes a difference. If you organise a party you pay for it. If people come out for a meal with you and pay for their own meal their presence is your gift.

That’s a lot of people! are they are all close to you and do they normally do presents? I’ve actually found the same that people don’t expect to do presents these days unless you’re close or it’s something more intimate. Going for a big meal that they’re paying for is kind of like a present.

What are you on about?

I literally said I wouldn't bring a cheap bag of sweets....

Why?
If you're not a CF you'll be reciprocating. Instead of all that time and effort in keeping track of birthdays, choosing and sending a gift.. keep the money and buy yourself something.
Kids just get without having to give back themselves, it's on their parents!

But not everyone wants 31 cheap candles or chocolates.

If you hosted and paid then yes you’re correct if you expected people to pay for their meal then that’s the gift imo.

They attended your party and paid for their own meals/drinks. That should be enough of a gift to you, unless the party was organized by you as a gift grab.

If I had 31 people joining me for a birthday dinner - well, firstly I'd be amazed, I've never held or been to such an event with so many people, apart from house parties and weddings. But maybe it's a thing in some circles. Secondly, I'd be pleased to have their company, and hopefully a fun night out. Thirdly, I wouldn't expect any presents as I'm a grown-up and buy my own stuff. At a house party, yes, guests would bring drinks or nibbles, but not if we're eating in a restaurant. And I'd be completely puzzled if they thought a bag of sweets or something from the pound shop or charity shop (what, exactly? a random picture frame? some cheap earrings?) was a suitable gift for me. I certainly wouldn't want 31 such gifts.

Very bizarre expectation, OP.

26 presents is a lot though, did you really need 31.

If you read all of the OP's posts, she did actually have a separate event at her house, and no-one even brought a bottle.

The OP is BU about the restaurant, but not about the parties she held at her house.

I wouldn't like to turn up empty handed but it would be just a card in my hand.

I agree. I hate cheap tat and I don't want a load of chocolate or cheap booze.

I think people tend to do what they'd like from others. So you buy a gift because you'd like that from others whereas others don't because they don't want a load of cheap stuff.

Having said that I would bring something to a party at someone's home: a nice bottle of wine and some decent chocolate/flowers etc as that's a recognition for the effort the host has made.

How did you become friends with the 17 people in the group chat? Did you meet them online or from a real life thing like work/ school/ studying or a hobby? I think the etiquette would be different if they're online friends who you meet up with sometimes than an old school friend.

If you want friends to give thoughtful gifts I'd go for quality of friends over quantity. Only invite people you actually know and not strangers and develop the relationships with the people you click with. You don't need loads and loads of friends, a few close friends who know you well might get you what you want.

Im with you OP. I would always bring a nice card and a small gift of some sort. And a balloon. 🙂

You are right , it’s rude , I would never go to someone’s birthday without a present

I find it really bizarre that so many people think that turning up to someone's birthday without a gift is okay. The very least you do is buy someone a drink. Or give them a gift voucher, or have something delivered (delete as appropriate) - obviously plan so they don't have to carry a ton of stuff around.

If they're actually your friends they know what you like. If your friends are buying you "cheap tat," get new friends. I can't imagine anyone in my circle buying anyone else a shit gift they wouldn't like. Even the people on a super tight budget get or make everyone things they like.

You don't have to be close to someone to buy them a birthday drink. You'd buy them a drink if it was their leaving do from work even though they're not "hosting" at their house.

And no, like someone said, you don't then need to buy them something for every occasion. You buy them a thing just for their birthday because it's their birthday 😂

You can tell who are the parents in this thread and who aren't. The parents are sick of spending money on gimmicky kids' gifts and don't think adults should get anything at all.

The problem with your expectation of everyone giving "small gifts" is that the price quickly adds up. If you expected a gift from all 31 attendees I assume you would also buy them a gift for their birthdays. Say the £10 gift voucher you mentioned earlier. That's £310 of gift vouchers a year.

Now say each of them also invites you out for a birthday curry, by the time you've paid for a curry, rice and a drink plus transport (fuel/train/taxi etc) there and back that's probably £20 for each meal. £620 across the year.

In total you would be spending £930 a year attending birthday events and bringing a "small gift". Nearly a grand.

That's something that many people just can't afford at the moment.

OP, I think you might have to accept that your expectations and logic around what constitutes good manners in this situation are at odds with most people's.

"All I was expecting was a very small gift (think £5/10 gift voucher, a packet of sweets, or a drink bought for me?)."

"I’d be very happy with a cheaper gift. Even something from the charity or 99p shop. A gift is better than no gift."

I'm probably on a lower income than most of my friends, but I can categorically tell you they'd think I was off my rocker if I showed up to their birthday do with a packet of sweets for them, or a thoughtfully chosen gift from a charity shop. Seriously, they'd be concerned! Ok somebody could have bought you a drink, but presumably there were bottles of plonk on the table already, that everybody was sharing the cost of.

Is this 'gift imperative' coming from a particular cultural or family tradition? My MiL was always astonished that the English sometimes don't give visitors anything to eat with their tea or coffee!

You have a lot more birthdays to come. To which I guarantee people will not be bringing presents. Get over your disappointment now.

Who is taking a present to a restaurant?

If I’m not heading for your house (or a proper big party that’ll have a gift table…) I’m not carrying a present.

No. Me and my friends don't give gifts. We are adults. If you give gifts in order to expect a gift back then don't give gifts. Party at someone's house, the guests should bring wine or something.

People have had to pay for a meal, transport to get there and back, perhaps a new dress so maybe after paying for all that they couldn't afford a present.

Thread’s probably been done to death now, but…

Agree with PPs that if you were hosting a party and footing the bill it’d be polite to bring a present or at least a bottle of wine.

However if everyone was paying for their own meal it’s just nice they attended and came to celebrate with you.

I guess as it was table service there wasn’t the usual opportunity to ask ‘what are you having’ and get you a drink. And I suppose the 31 people just were too many to coordinate the bill for your meal. A smaller group might have done it but not wanted to tread on anyone else’s toes or what have you. And probably everyone was just having a lovely time and didn’t think.

How lovely to have all those people come out and celebrate. Just be grateful

That’s a good point, you might be going somewhere else for drinks afterwards, or clubbing, or just home on the tube with 31 presents ☺️

I wouldn't expect gifts at a restaurant meal where people are paying for their own food.

A gift or gesture at a dinner I'm either paying for or hosting in my home would be polite though!