To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

WTF? 😆

NOBODY came to the OP's HOUSE! 🙄 NOBODY was invited to the OP's house!

The OP told people to turn up to an Indian Restaurant (to acknowledge her birthday,) and expected everyone to pay for their own meal and drinks. She was too tight-fisted to even put 2 or 3 bottles of wine on the tables, and is sulking because only 5 out of 31 people bought her a pwezzie! 😢

The OP did not provide a THING. No entertainment, no food, no drink, no fuck-all.

I think anyone who is 'dropped' by the OP (or you,) for not buying a 3-pack of Smarties as a birthday gift to bring to the restaurant (where they are funding their OWN MEAL and drinks,) is getting a lucky escape.

ALSO...

The OP: AIBU?

MOST of Mumsnet: YES you are.

The OP: No I'm not. You're all wrong. Waaaaah! 😫

@Doglover321 Why did you even bother posting this thread? Most people are telling you you're wrong, yet you won't back down and admit it. You sound like really hard work!

Nothing wrong with the host not paying for everyone’s meals but then you can’t expect a gift.
And bringing a small bag of sweets or something for 99p would be a bit weird unless something sentimental/in joke between the 2 of you. But expecting a £10 voucher from each person is very entitled.
why are you not listening to be people and instead insisting on the need for some cheap tat.

I just can’t relate to you at all, OP! All this song and dance over not receiving some charity shop tat or a bag of sweets? Frankly I would rather not receive anything at all than cheap chocolates or something from a 99p shop.

Completely bonkers for someone (supposedly) in their late 20s to be so worked up over something like this. Perhaps it’s time to grow up

Yeah this! ^ My 2 daughters (now in their late 20s,) showed more maturity at 9-10 years old, than the OP is doing right now, at 27! Really odd, entitled, spoilt-princess behaviour!

Sorry, but I've never heard of this.

When we do meals out for friends' birthdays, everyone has always paid their own way and no gifts brought unless close friends. The "gift" is their company.

On the other hand, if I was being hosted by someone (either at their house or at a restaurant), I would always take a gift - birthday or no birthday. But I'm afraid if you're not paying, you're not hosting - it's just a meal out with friends.

Children receive gifts at their parties, yes, but generally their parents are paying to host their friends. Though even if I was paying for my own child, I would usually take a gift to avoid disappointing the birthday child. But this is unusual.

Do adults normally expect gifts on their birthday unless from family/very close friends?

Invite to someone’s house for a party where food is provided and host has spent money hosting: gift and more alcohol than you are planning to drink.

Invite to a meal out to celebrate a friends non-milestone birthday: Nothing and would presume the getting together was the gift. I’d probably buy the birthday girl a drink though!

They turned up and paid for themselves. That's great! I'd only expect gifts for a big birthday. A card or buying a drink is a nice gesture. You're 27 not 7.

You are being unreasonable and bizarre.

Why on earth would you make your birthday dinner a Meetup event, open to strangers and “close friends”?

I would not expect a present if everyone was paying for their own meal.
Why do you want everyone to bring some cheap tat?

You sound very grabby and insecure.

27?!! Jesus, go live your life, instead of moaning on MN! You're young! Is looking for petty things to be upset about a diversion maybe from something bigger you dislike in your life? Maybe your birthday has highlighted the latter?

I wouldn't go so far as to be 'embarrassed' if it didn't happen, but it's nice to give the birthday person a little treat. If you're close enough to actually care about them.

However, most of these people aren't really friends. They're strangers from Meetup, if you look at OP's posting history. Acquaintances, at most.

I wonder how many even realised it was a 'birthday party' rather than just another event. Also, what is the OP expected to do with mountains of gifts/cards in the middle of a restaurant?

OP had a nice time, no issues with paying etc (very lucky for a varied acquaintanceship= group of that size). If she wants presents, attention etc etc maybe just have a 'party' with actual friends.

yes

So some people think the host pays for everyone and others think the host shouldn’t even have to pay for themselves!!!

Well no, I think people paying for their own food is already enough, no other gift should be expected.
But with friends, if we've all mutually agreed on a restaurant I do like to buy a little something on top. It shouldn't be expected as part of etiquette though. I just like doing it.
Unlike PP I replied to who thinks it's embarrassing not to.

I can't believe you're expecting people to fork out for a meal (which they might not have chosen); travel to the meal, and spend their free time attending, as well as buy you a gift. Entitled much!

I don't really enjoy going out for meals so personally if I do it for a pal's birthday it means they're important to me and I value them.

Times are hard. You shouldn't organise a birthday meal and expect gifts. Surely your friends turning up is gift enough.

Lmao, imagine sometime turning up and handing over a bag of minstrels. This would be a mumsnet AIBU outrage post all by itself.

I don’t really understand why you’d invite that many people and have expectations, they can’t all be that close. If you invite people, you should host something (drinks / treats) if you expect gifts, imo

This is spot on. Suspect they’re not all friends, just there to make up numbers

Well I never 🤔

I would not dream of inviting people to my birthday, expecting them to buy me a present, if they had to pay for their own meal.

If I’m paying then I would let then know in advance and would hope that they might bring me a token gift.

If not paying for their meal then no I would not expect a present, maybe just a card.

As people are paying for themselves yes it makes a big difference. Also, did you get all these guests a present on their birthday? If not you’re completely BU.

I used to have quite large birthday dinners 15-25 people and people would pay for their own dinner and sometimes chip in for mine. Some brought a present, some brought a card some neither. I really didn’t care tbh!

It can be a bit grabby if you feel entitled to people you’re not super close to bringing gifts , unless you’re talking about a close friend that you’ve always given birthday gifts to.

On my last birthday (when I turned thirty - something) I had a small gathering of a few of my closest friends - about 5 guests - which I paid for. They didn’t know I was paying until the bill came though.

Everyone had brought a present except one friend who was my oldest childhood friend and tbh I now see her as very much of a taker eg. For one of my milestone birthdays she gave me nothing, for her same milestone birthday I spent £250 on tickets for something she told me she really wanted.

It’s been a one sided friendship for our whole lives (in so many ways) but after my last birthday event I just made a mental note not to gift that friend anything again. She ended up sending me a small gift weeks later as I think she felt a bit awkward at being the only non present giver when I had paid the bill.

So yeah in some scenarios it’s poor etiquette not to bring a present but I don’t think it was in your situation.

You're implying very heavily here that you were annoyed at having to pay for your own food.

All I can say is that if you've invited 31 people (some of them strangers apparently), 4 months in advance, to your 27th birthday, and you're annoyed that they didn't bring enough presents, I dread to think what your wedding/baby shower/other grabby occasion would be like!

I used to really resent that as adult you just don't get gifts the same as you did as kid, but at 42 I've long accepted that's just what's happens, and I think you need to as well OP.

Yes of course! They've had to shell out for a meal.

Really surprising that you've got to this age and not had this happen before. Most adults have people we exchange gifts with and people we don't, and that's determined by closeness not by whether they happen to be having a party. 31 also seems like quite a large party - expecting a gift from 31 people is definitely in children's-party territory. Which is not to mock you, but merely to note that it's quite far out of the norm and if someone didn't bring a gift they probably weren't trying to insult you.

THIRTY ONE people came to your birthday dinner and you’re mad you didn’t get enough presents? God, I have trouble coordinating a free date for six friends.

That’s two out of 31 or whatever the number was - were you really going to get the other 29 attendees birthday gifts this year?