To think birthday etiquette is going downhill?

[Doglover321]

I recently organised a birthday meal out to a local Indian restaurant. It was booked and announced 4 months in advance and a whopping 31 people attended, however only 5 people didn’t come empty-handed. AIBU to think this is rude? I’ve been brought up to believe it is basic birthday etiquette to bring SOMETHING with you, even if it’s just a cheap bag of sweets. Has been playing on my mind!

No it’s really not.
i can see I (and op) are out of sync with the rest of the world tho.

I went to a 21st birthday meal, paid for my own meal all good, it was a set 3 course, was looking forward to dessert when we were informed that the restaurant were supplying a cake instead of dessert so we paid for not just our meal but also the birthday cake, and we brought an expensive gift. Still bitter tbh.

😆

Forgive me saying so but that sounds a really bizarre point of view on so many levels.

If somebody gave me a birthday gift of a bag of sweets or something from a charity or 99p shop I'd be mortally embarrassed either because they must be so short of money that I wouldn't want them wasting their valuable resources on pointless gifts for me, or I'd treat it as an insulting slap in the face, in which case I'd prefer to have nothing. It isn't necessarily true that it's the thought that counts.

And no - it also isn't true that "A gift is better then no gift". As others have said this giving of pointless gifts is just wasteful and usually ends up in landfill.

I'm not sure if it was in this thread or the other one but I seem to recall you asking if the sort of giving of gifts that you consider to be "good" etiquette was customary in the UK. Can I ask if you are from a different cultural background where this sort of giving is the norm?

Regarding the Xmas and New Year parties you put on at your house, your friends were out of order if they hadn't brought a bottle (or bottles) of booze or a contribution of food for the party. I'd probably have brought a Xmas/New Year card too.

You gave 4 months advance notice for an Indian meal to celebrate your 27th Birthday.

You invited total strangers !

then you are upset because 26 of the 31 people that came ( including the total strangers ) didn't buy you a birthday present to the value of £5-£10 minimum.

did you arrange this meal just to gain cards and presents ?

Did Tom and / or Sylvia buy you a birthday present ?

I'm another one who would be delighted that so many people attended my birthday meal. How lovely to have a do like that. (I'd want cards though!)

I'm with you @Doglover321 my birthday, bring me a card at least but a small gift would be lovely too but empty handed, no way anyone empty handed can go home!

No, if you'd hosted a dinner party at your own home, I'd have brought a nice bottle of wine, fancy cheese or a box of chocolates.

If you're having it at a restaurant your guests should have offered to pay for your meal. Paying for a birthday cocktail would be nice but not essential.

You don't bring a gift to a restaurant meal.

@CatamaranViper

how joyless!

Also have you ever actually thought- who actually wants this “cheap bag of sweets” you bring if you think bringing something is expected! I certainly wouldn’t be bothered if it was my birthday, you could save your pennies Hun.

Perhaps they thought them attending, paying for their meal was enough..

This can’t be real, who invites strangers to their birthday.

presents depend on the relationship if I am paying for a meal there will be no present.

if someone is hosting I will offer to bring some food/ drink.

all of my friends are adults and so don’t need presents especially 99p ones

In my group we wouldn’t take gifts to a birthday meal at a restaurant, we would pay for the birthday person and get them drinks. We would chip in for a big gift for a landmark birthday. If someone hosted at their house we would bring wine, snacks etc, maybe a bunch of flowers and a card.

This has to be a windup. You, a 27 year old, expect your friends to give you a £10 gift voucher and "box of chocs" in addition to buying a meal? No, absolutely not. In my circle a card is nice, but most people don't bring anything. I'd be deeply embarrassed to receive a gift card from a friend.

Oh come on. A meal would easily cost £40 (minimum) with drinks, and a gift another £20, so you want people to pay £60+ to have the pleasure of celebrating your birthday with you?

Birthday etiquette hasn’t gone downhill. People have just realised a lot of “etiquette” is a load of shit and doesn’t make logical sense

yes but traditional etiquette is both paying for those you invite AND giving gifts to the host. If anything the former is the primary etiquette, because "nice" restaurants etc weren't really common until mid/late 19th century so nearly all hosting was done at home and it would have been inconceivable to have billed someone for their attendance. Bringing gifts as an acknowledgement for hosting is a comparatively new thing, you don't see various begowned ladies handing over bottles of wine or chocolates to the Dowager Countess as they arrive for a ball in Downton Abbey/Bridgerton, do you?

You don't get to pick and choose what parts of "basic etiquette" you want to follow and then suggest others are rude and don't understand it just because they don't pick and choose exactly the way you do.

Either you consider traditional rules of etiquette are still relevant in 2024 and follow them appropriately and exactly, or you realise that times have changed, rules are more relaxed, and what is polite or not varies depending on the individual group and their shared expectations. It's clear from this thread that the norm (generally), and more relevantly IN YOUR OWN FRIEND GROUP, is NOT to give gifts for birthdays.

You realise there’s a whole category of people who think cards are a massive waste of money right? and they wouldn’t be wrong…

maybe the thing to base your opinion of them on would be the fact they made the effort to take multiple hours out of their lives to make you feel special and loved

If friends were hosting a birthday meal (i.e. dinner party) I would bring something small like a plant. Not if we were just meeting at a restaurant, though.

OP: 31 friends in your late 20s for a non-decade birthday event is impressive! I think on average, most people your age have far fewer friends than that.

I think it's nice that you like to make a big deal of birthdays. As an adult, nobody else is going to do it for you. But I think you need to reduce your expectations slightly.

And why wouldn't you pay for your own meal?! Surely you invited your friends out just to be there, for their company, to get bevved, if that's your thing (it's mine!), not because you are expecting a load of gifts and/or for them to pay for your meal?! Gifts are nice, but bloody hell. I'd never expect it. It's nice, but blimey. That's not what it's all about, surely?

I agree that birthday etiquette is going downhill. Never mind gifts, not a single one of my 8 million close friends* even so much as texted me "Happy Birthday", never mind bought me a present.

*by close friends, I of course mean, the 8 million people who use Mumsnet at the same time as me.

A packet of sweets? You want adults to turn up at your birthday dinner and hand you a packet of fruit pastilles?

@Doglover321 your 'friends' aren't very nice: not offering to pay for your dinner is very ungenerous. Very - I'd be embarrassed to be part of a group that did not cover the birthday person's meal & buy her drinks!

If they paid for themselves, then their presence is in place of a present. I would just want my friends and family to celebrate with me. Someone should have spoken up to split your share between everyone, though.

I’d be embarrassed to invite my friends to
celebrate with me and expect them to expense the whole thing!

And probably paid 50 odd quid for it! That's what 3 courses and a couple of drinks costs.

It IS odd to invite strangers isn't it?!