Partner still paying mortgage and child maintenance which is stopping us from buying

[Mammacool84]

Hey there,

hoping I can get some advice or guidance- my partner and I have been together over 4 years we now have a beautiful 3 month old and we are in a rented house. My partner owns a house from a previous relationship where he has two lovely children and pays child maintenance. Thing is I want my little boy to have his own room and a house that is ours but all my partners money is tired up in the house he owns with his ex and he says he can’t sell until his two kids are 18!! But this is stopping us from getting a property which I think is so unfair - I don’t get child maintenance etc why should his ex have maintenance and a massive house???!!! I feel like I am paying for his exs lifestyle and kids - why can’t they downsize so his ex can get a solo mortgage? Any suggestions? Thank you in advance

I disagree. He is choosing to pay for that house and thats up to him. The one being taken for a ride is the woman left with two children to bring up while the father has moved on to pastures new to set up a family with op.

OP you haven't really made it clear if you knew this was going to be the setup before you moved in with each other and decided to have a kid. I can understand your upset if he kept you in the dark about his financial situation but I also get him not wanting to disrupt his childrens lives any more than they have gone through already with the breakdown of their parents relationship.

Go on give your crystal ball a polish.

Did you not both know he was already paying for his children before you had a baby together? He can't stop paying for his children to have another baby with another woman. Like everybody else he has to consider finances when family planning

What a load of old twaddle

Actually you are wrong there. If the ex wife can’t afford to buy another house, especially now with rising interest rates and increasing cost of living then if they went down the legal route she would probably get a mesher order . Not common but not uncommon especially over the last few years.
A Mesher Order (also sometimes known as an 'order for deferred sale') is an order for the family home to remain in the couple's joint names until a certain trigger event happens. At this point the property would be sold and the sale proceeds.

unfortunately you knew this when you met him.

he sounds a reasonable/ fair father to me who is taking proper responsibility for his previous kids.

He walked out on his family when the youngest was a baby. He would have been an absolute bastard if he'd made them homeless. Keeping a roof over their head was the very least he could do. It doesn't have to be that way until they're 18, but while they are young and their mother possibly not able to provide for them, (what with her being left suddenly with two small children) he is being a responsible father.

Exactly.

The ex girlfriend is taking the piss BUT only because your boyfriend is allowing it!

Why did you have a child with him when you knew the majority of his money was going to support is ex and his children.
Did you not even have that conversation before deciding to conceive with him?

They were never married. She's an ex girlfriend.

Sounds like they were together about 4 years.

Doesn't this all depend on whether Op is ending up subsidising him?

I don’t think it’s the ex who’s taking the piss. OP knew exactly what she was getting herself into.

This is an unusual arrangement in the UK if you aren’t extremely wealthy. Are you sure they have actually split up?

I strongly agree with this. He’s honouring his first commitments. You made your choice.

Depends really.

Maybe he is paying the mortgage on another house, calling it maintenance but he gets an asset at the end of it, and expecting op to pay the rent on the place he lives in with her.

That's not wealthy it's just crafty

Sounds like you're well and truly being taken for a mug then, op.
His asset will increase in value. You are the breadwinner, you say, which implies you are paying current rent and bills. When/if he leaves you, he gets his lump sum from the property and you have no claim. Nice.

Womp womp.

Maybe shoulda thought of that before having a baby with a man who already has two kids. Surely this was discussed before you decided to have a baby with him? Seems like quite an important thing to talk about.

@Mammacool84
Why not get your own mortgage in your own name bug and then you can be certain that your child can live in a lovely home that you own.

If he agreed to certain terms with his prior partner, those terms should not be invalidated or changed simply because his new partner finds them inconvenient. I would assume that you knew about his income and outstanding financial obligations prior to your having a child with him.

Imagine how you will feel should he move on to partner number 3 and tries to invalidate agreeiments he made with you simply because partner #3 finds them to be inconvenience or limiting?

If he is an honorable man, his word and commitment has to mean something. His word should not change every time his romantic relationships change. He has an obligation to contribute to the support of your child as well , but you knew how much income and uncommitted assets he had available when you decided to have a child with him. Unfortunately, he may be a man whose income comfortably supports 2 children, and he has exceeded the number of children that he can adequately support. This seems to be a fairly common occurrence.

Perhaps, you can increase your earnings to offset what he cannot contribute.

I feel like your partner is actually being very responsible and taking the care of his previous children seriously, which is great.

But clearly, conversations should have been had before you two decided to have a child. I can't help but feel that he possibly shouldn't have had more children if he doesn't want to impact his previous children's lives.

Why you two didn't work out how these things would work out before you decided to try and get pregnant is one for you to wrestle with.

This bloke is enjoying bouncing between his two baby mommas, playing them off against each other, seeing himself as a prince with his own personal hareem of women vying for his attention

@Mammacool84 Maybe think about asking this to be moved to either RELATIONSHIPS or LEGAL.

You might get more factual answers over what could happen rather than judgy pants replies. There will be plenty of advice from separated couples there.

Obviously, if you knew the set up with your partner all along, you were taking a risk to assume things would change once you had a child with him.

The crux of this is, what does he say and want? Whatever changes you may want, he is the one to convince, not anyone on a forum.

Is he held over a barrel by his ex, or is he happy with the arrangement?

So you want his first two children to move out of their family home into a smaller house so you can have a five bedroom, is that right?

Your partner sounds like a real prize - he was either cheating with you, or there was a very short window between walking out on his ex and two small children and getting with you. What is it that he feels guilty about? I bet I can guess…

I'm in the same boat with my partner OP. Luckily I've bought my own home, but if it's all gone through the courts there is nothing that can be done.

The OP was with him for 3 years before she had a baby with him. She can't have not known where a big chunk of his money was going every month!

OP if you're the 'breadwinner' is your DP not working?

he sounds a reasonable/ fair father to me who is taking proper responsibility for his previous kids.

… but not taking proper responsibility for his youngest child