Boyfriend is gonna leave me when I fall pregnant from donor

[Mumpls]

My partner is diagnosed with azoospermia, and he is not open to consider adoption or donor conception.
I still want to become a mother and I can’t see myself living a child free life.
I love my partner very much, but I don’t want to choose between him and a baby.

I’m planning to become pregnant from a donor, and he says that he will leave me as soon as I’m pregnant.
Is it a better idea to leave him before I start getting pregnant or shall I just wait and see if he really follows through on his words?
Right now I’m in denial if he really means what he’s saying.

Ditch him.

Obvs.

He’s vile. Ditch him, enjoy becoming a mother, and one day when you’re ready you’ll meet someone lovely who think you & your little one are a fab addition to their life.

You say you don't want to choose but you're going to have to.

How old are you?

He's not vile. He just doesn't want children!

OP - you should leave him now. You both want different things and that is ok to admit.

Better to get the break up out of the way before you're pregnant I think. It'll be easy to convince yourself he won't leave, but he's already told you he will.

If you want to be a mother then go for it.

Obviously the relationship is now irreparably fractured. Why hang around?

Let's say he said something that was a deal-breaker for you, e.g. I'm going to save up to go to Vegas and spend it all on drugs and prostitutes. Would you say 'I will leave when he buys a ticket '?

Obviously I'm not saying that the example is morally equivalent, but the same kind of 'dealbreaker' is in play.

How old are you?

Would leaving him and finding someone to have children with be an option?

I feel like that last bit came out a bit blunt. What i mean is don't put it off hoping he'll come round to the idea and want to be a parent with you.

It's his choice. It's a big deal - maybe you don't understand how much for him.

It's not a case of 'ditching' him, it's a case of deciding together whether this means the end of your relationship. Sounds like it does.

You are pressg ahead with getting pregnant by donor sperm, which your bofrirnd doesn't want, so you don't care about him obviously. I was in exactly your situation, but although part of me was desperate to have a child by any means , I couldn't go ahead as I loved my husband and wouldnt do anything to hurt him.

Could you frame it differently, as in, if, for whatever reason you can’t get pregnant you haven’t lost a great partner too? But you need to accept (and really accept!) that if/when you do get pregnant he’ll walk and you’ll be a single parent.

I am 41, and I do understand that having a child is a big decision.
Both have to be on board

But he isn't on board. He has made his feelings clear. If you want a child you have to leave, either way you are saying sod you to him if you go ahead and have a child by donor insemination.

It’s a shame you didn’t go after what you wanted because you were to scared to lose a man. OP isn’t so good for her

Neither of you is in the wrong. You just want different things so if you can’t agree then it is best to separate

It’s not that clear and cut, I do love him.

@Mumpls he’s certainly not vile, but he doesn’t want to raise another man’s child.
When you say azoospermic, has he tried surgical recovery?

This doesn't necessarily mean OP doesn't care about her boyfriend, not at all. She just also cares about having a child. It's an impasse and a sad one but doesn't mean anyone is in the wrong.

OP, how are things otherwise in the relationship and how would you feel if donation doesn't work out? (Hopefully it does). I can understand his logic- things are happy as they are, there is a chance they may remain that way so he doesn't want to bail prematurely. However, I'd imagine it will be a lot for you to manage either way and if he isn't fully supportive then I'm not sure it wouldn't be easier to rip the plaster off now.

I asked what would happen if I can’t get pregnant if we could stay together then, but he says he doesn’t know how he will feel then.

the accepting of being a single parent is something I’m trying to get used to, but still difficult because it’s a future situation.

Its ultimatum time. There is no guarantee of either a baby or him in your future but which will you regret not fighting for the most?

You have different wishes, so yes, if you want a child you will have to leave him. Better to end it now. But I assume you can afford to support a child on your own - single parenting is hard and expensive, and do bear in mind that you will be almost at retirement age when the child is old enough to be independant. That is a huge task to take on. My brother and his wife had my nephew at 45 and 43 respectively, and even with two of them on good wages it has been hard work. My nephew is now nearly 16 and neither can afford to retire because they still have 6th form and university to support. Just remember that wanting a baby and having a baby are not the same thing, and you can't take it back, so be sure that you are being realistic about the future - for your sake and the baby's

You both want different things with something like this I do think it’s black and white and no room for compromise
both of you are being completely reasonable with your wishes
you do have to choose I’m afraid

I can’t get over someone calling him vile I think they have described themselves not OP partner

What a tough situation!
I would sit down and have a really good heart to heart. I see you said you're 41 so don't really want to be waiting too long for this. I think if he stops you from becoming a mother then it will be detrimental to the relationship in the future, I know you say you love him but sometimes you have to take yourself out of the situation and see the bigger picture. If being a mother is the only thing you desire right now then he can't get in the way of that and if he loves you then he should understand. You should be a team, working towards the same goal.
If he was fertile would he want a child or is it because it wouldn't be his genetically? Find the definition of a father and show him, he would be there at conception, there for the positive test, there for the scans, bump pictures, gender reveal (if you do one!) and the birth. It would be his child on paper and if he's invested in the pregnancy then he's no less of a father than my husband is to our kids.
I hope you can work through it, because I know life is never as simple as 'Just ditch him'
Lots of love x

That's really unfair. He doesn't want a child. He has the right to say if she goes ahead with a pregnancy that he doesn't want to be part of he'll leave.