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Original poster

Had some bad news today

76 replies

LiamsMum · 24/09/2002 11:15

Hi everyone
Hope you don't mind but it would really help me to talk about this at the moment. My dh was married once before, he has a 19 (almost 20) year old son and a 16 year old son who have always lived with their mother. DH and I have been together a long time now (married 10 years) and we have a two year old son. To cut a long story short, we have had regular access visits with the boys over the years, they used to spend every second or third weekend with us and also a few weeks a year during school holidays. Even though we've all gotten along well, I have always been secretly relieved that they haven't lived with us, mainly because of the added stress (dh travels with work and is always busy), and because my BIL and SIL are in a step-family situation and have had some terrible problems with it. We also had a situation a couple of years ago when the eldest son stayed with us for a while and it became a very stressful and difficult time.
Anyway... the terrible news is that their mother has just passed away. She was only 42, she went on a cruise with her sister and after a night out drinking, was apparently found dead the next morning. It is so tragic, my stomach has been tied up in knots all day. I feel so sorry for the boys and I feel very sad about her because I liked her, but at the pit of my stomach is this worry and uncertainty about what the implications are going to be for my own family now. I feel incredibly selfish thinking this way, but dh and his ex have had on-going problems with his eldest son and I feel that the two of them together would be more than I could handle. It may not come to that, I don't even know what is going to happen next, but I feel so wound up and sick to the stomach about what's happening. Would just appreciate chatting about this.. thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
LiamsMum · 01/10/2002 11:02

Mopsy - with respect, I was actually friends with dh's ex wife, and I knew a long time ago that he was over her. He left her about 16 years ago and I have known for a long time that there was nothing between them anymore. So this does not have anything to do with my insecurities! It is a surreal situation for me, and an uncomfortable one, considering I am currently going through a situation with dh that I can't fully experience the way HE is experiencing it - and since it happened, I have been as supportive of him and his two sons as I can be. As I said in my original post, I liked his ex-wife and I am sad that she is gone.

I come on to Mumsnet (like everyone else I presume) to not only chat about my precious little boy, but to 'vent' feelings that perhaps I would not vent anywhere else. So with that in mind, posting things on here is a way of expressing something that you wouldn't usually say to someone you know, for fear of being taken the wrong way I guess. But I guess there's still a risk of that happening on here, too.

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Bozza · 01/10/2002 11:32

I think recent experience on Mumsnet tells us its very easy for things to be taken the wrong way in the written form. But Liamsmum if she was your friend then you are going to her funeral for yourself (not just as DH's supporter) and I still think, if it helps you, that taking a friend is a good idea. Also it is good that you have a friend who is prepared to do this for you. I will think about you on Friday.

ionesmum · 01/10/2002 12:55

Liamsmum, I just want to wish you all the best. It must be so hard for you. In a way it's a shame that your dh is having to speak - it sounds like no-one else wants to - but it will be of her as the mother of his sons and as someone who became a friend to him and to you. It must be strange to see him grieving for another woman. It's not selfish of you, you have your own family to think of and at the moment it's hard to see how things will work out. If you decide to go to the funeral then I'd take your friend, funerals are often attended by people who didn't know the deceased person but who want to pay their respects. I will be remembering you in my prayers. You are strong and with God's help you will come through this.

prufrock · 01/10/2002 14:06

Liamsmum. Please please please vent away. And yes - take a friend. It's been said before on this thread, but if you are going to provide support, you need to be supported yourself by somebody else.

Rhubarb · 01/10/2002 15:09

Liamsmum I didn't think your messages read any other way than the way you intended. You come across as a thoughtful, caring individual. Posts are bound to be misinterpreted every and then and I'm sure Mopsy meant well, maybe she hadn't read the whole thread? I hope this situation resolves for you all, it must be an intensely difficult time for all involved, so please do still use Mumsnet as a 'release'.

Clarinet60 · 01/10/2002 20:38

Just to add my support again and to say that I can imagine what you are going through. You are not selfish at all. You didn't sign up for this, so it's bound to be daunting. Best wishes.

WideWebWitch · 01/10/2002 20:52

Liamsmum, good luck for Friday. I do think you could take someone to be there for you but maybe you should consider going too rather than helping behind the scenes, do you think you could cope with it? If you had some support then you could be there to pay your respects and to support your DH and his boys. You will be being supportive just by being there I think, I don't think you have to do anything or say anything but they might like your presence. Hope this doesn't offend you, it's not meant to: just my take on it. I'll think of you on Friday too, and agree with everyone, vent here all you like. This is a place where you can be honest about your feelings.

jodee · 01/10/2002 21:10

Liamsmum, what a difficult week this is going to be for you. But I want to echo Ionesmum's words again, you are not alone, by any means. And do take along a friend for support. Thinking of you. xxx

Original poster
LiamsMum · 03/10/2002 00:13

Thank so much again for your words, it is very comforting to receive your kind responses. I am going to the funeral tomorrow, dh wants me to go and his ex-wife's family have asked if I am coming, so I will be there. I'm also going to help with providing some food for afterwards, so at least the boys will know that I'm doing something! Anyway yesterday we started getting a few phone calls from reporters wanting to know how she died (because it was on a cruise) so dh has been trying to keep them at bay for the sake of the kids. It keeps getting more complicated! Nevermind, with time things will get start to get better. Thank you all again.

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robinw · 03/10/2002 06:56

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sobernow · 03/10/2002 10:18

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sobernow · 03/10/2002 10:19

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jodee · 03/10/2002 15:34

Liamsmum, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for tomorrow, best wishes. xx

Bumblelion · 03/10/2002 17:12

Liamsmum, will be thinking of you tomorrow.

ionesmum · 03/10/2002 21:49

God be with you and your family, Liamsmum.

jodee · 04/10/2002 17:35

How did it go, Liamsmum? Hope you are OK. xx

musica · 04/10/2002 19:06

Dear Liamsmum,

Hope today was ok for you, your husband and his children. I was thinking about you. Hopefully she will be at peace now, and you and your husband can move forward in your lives.

Love M

Original poster
LiamsMum · 06/10/2002 08:01

Hi everyone
The funeral went ok, there were a lot of people there and I did take a friend with me for support. My SIL also took a friend with her, so I don't feel bad about doing it - in fact I'm glad she was there with me. I felt a bit shell- shocked the whole day and dh was busy with the boys and his ex's family, so it was good to have her for company. Cause of death is still unknown but the media has gotten involved now, there was a reporter hanging around the funeral and we saw a photographer taking pictures as everyone was leaving the church. The story has been printed in the newspaper the last two days (they got her photograph off one of the funeral programmes), and the media is starting to speculate about what happened and some of what they are saying isn't very nice for the family. It's amazing how journalists are able to print what they want without any permission. Anyway we still have the dilemma of the living arrangements, at the moment the boys are staying with their sister & stepfather but I don't know how permanent the arrangement will be. All I know for sure is that the oldest son will not be living with us. If the current arrangement is not going to be permanent, the younger son (who will be 17 next year) has said that he wants to live with his grandmother, but dh doesn't like this idea for some reason. The grandmother lives close to the son's school and he knows her very well, so he would obviously feel comfortable there. I get the feeling that dh wants to have the last say on what his son ends up doing, but we live quite a long way from them and they don't know anyone in our area, so I think everyone except dh thinks that the boys would be happier staying where they are. I just hope it sorts itself out soon because it's been a very chaotic couple of weeks and both dh and I are feeling a bit apprehensive about the future.

OP posts:
robinw · 06/10/2002 08:29

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sobernow · 06/10/2002 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 06/10/2002 20:25

So glad you got through the funeral OK but very sorry to hear the press is making a distressing enough situation so much worse for you all. Hopefully once he has had time to reflect your dh will accept that staying near school is best for the younger boy - is the grandmother your dh's mother or his ex-wife's (just wondered if that was a factor in your dh's hesitancy...). Thinking of you.

Scuba · 17/10/2002 00:12

Still thinking of you Liamsmum

Original poster
LiamsMum · 17/10/2002 03:51

Thanks Scuba...

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Bozza · 17/10/2002 09:53

Liamsmum - how are things? I'm not surprised that the boys would like to stay in the area where they currently live. They are at the age where they start heading towards independence and friends play an important role.

Original poster
LiamsMum · 17/10/2002 11:17

Things are ok Bozza, obviously it's hard for the children but they seem to be holding up ok. The eldest son has gotten himself a job now and he seems to be realising that he has to start doing something with his life. The younger son is keeping himself busy playing sport and hanging out with friends, I think it's his way of trying not to think about it. Anyway dh and I are taking them to a Grand Prix raceday next weekend, it's a really good day out & I'm sure the boys will love it. So I guess we are basically just taking each day as it comes.

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